The Borgias 2.5, "The Choice"

"God will judge your actions now. So please, if anyone is willing..."

Fuck yeah, this episode!!

This time around, we get to see Rich People Church. Rich people get to sit on chairs. It's much less depressing to watch rich people drop coin into the collection basket.

Suddenly, Lucrezia has a tremendous Signorina Obvious moment during which she realizes that the Church is able to look so shiny and ornate because they leech cash out of the devoted's hands every Sunday. Welcome to consciousness, Lucrezia!

She, Vanossa, and Giulia Farnese are sitting together, the better to facilitate their little womanly tête-à-têtes concerning all things that would ruin the College of Cardinals' day.

Rodrigo is still probing Cesare about the KABOOM. Cesare's still being coy. He dryly cites his Cardinal status as proof of his innocence. Rodrigo, Cesare, and Ascanio Sforza are all wearing their big boy pants today. Ascanio Sforza looks much less vile in his civies.

The current plan: Rodrigo and Cardinal Sforza are road-tripping up to Florence to spy on Uncle Fester/Savonarola and hang out with Frollo/Machiavelli. Cesare's going to Catarina Sforza's castle in Forlì, intending to drag her back to Rome. Cardinal Sforza thinks he's an idiot for going alone. As they go their separate ways, Rodrigo epically roars, "You tell that Lady that if she does not obey Us, we shall reduce her fortunes to dust and DRAG HER IN CHAINS THROUGH THE STREETS OF ROME THE CHOICE IS HERS! TO FLORENCE, AND ITS HERETIC SAVONAROLA!!! BE PREPAAAAAAAAARED!"

Girls Ep. 3, "All Adventurous Women Do"

Scene 1:

Charlie has shaved his head. He breaks it to Marnie as a surprise. She is understandably enraged. "Whooooooo-whee," he hums awkwardly. "You look scary to me, like Mickey Mouse without the ears. Why are you doing this!?" It's in support of someone at the office who's starting chemo. Marnie yells at him for making her look like an asshole.

Hannah emerges from her bedroom, all gothed-up, posing, purring, "How do I look?"

"You look like you're about to put a hex on some popular girls," says Charlie. Hannah's like, "All right, American History X".

Marnie wonders why everyone in her life looks scary. Ha. That's nothing. Sometimes I have goth days, and on those days I tend to wear concealer as lipstick to really affect that White Walker look.

The Borgias 2.4 - Stray Dogs

Go ahead.

Paint us.

We open very soon after where we've closed - indeed, I don't think anyone's even had a wardrobe change. Rodrigo, Cesare, and Victor/Victoria are all toasting their great plaster victory. The dynamic is kind of hilarious, vis-à-vis Victor/Victoria's vaginahood: Rodrigo doesn't know Cesare knows. Cesare doesn't know Rodrigo's tapped that. Victor/Victoria doesn't know how unlikely it is that she'll live out the season.

Here's another thing that's kind of queer: it seemed like nobody in the city knew about the plaster cannons, except for Cesare and Victor/Victoria. ...AND all the employees of all 20 or 30 foundries in Rome. HOW did this not get leaked?

Micheletto shows up, kind of killing the mood with his sociopathic ginger presence. He's clutching the general area around his heart, which could be a sign of grief, but it looks like he's just been stabbed and is being pretty casual about it. Cesare knows immediately that there's something terribly wrong, BUT WHAT? And then Micheletto reveals that the French rode in on the road through Ostia, right by the convent of St. Caecelia... DUN DUN DUN. Ride, Cesare, ride to your ladylove whom you abuse horrifically!

SMOKE ON THE HORIZON. OH HEEEEEEEELL NO.

Girls episode 2 (Vagina Panic)

Scene 1:

Hannah and Adam fuck. Hannah is once again having sex like the good little bewildered feminist that she is: "I like everything that you're doing." "It seems like you want to cum on my tits, so you should cum on my tits." "That was really good. That was so good. I almost came."

As for Adam... remember when Marnie called him That Animal? Citation: "I knew when I found you [on the street, at age 11] that you liked it this way. You're a dirty little whore and I'm going to send you home to your parents covered in my cum."

Hannah: "No, don't do that, they're going to be so angry."

Ah, but who could blame her. Sometimes it's just easier to let the men have their way. 100% chance of success for one of you, it'll be over quicker, and you'll still get some cardio out of it.

The Borgias 2.3: The Beautiful Deception

And Juan's just like, "Adios, cabrónes."

We open on a gruesome shadow cast on a stone wall. Well, I say gruesome, but the only difference between this scene and Clayton's death scene in Tarzan (Disney version) is that it's more disturbing. Than this show. That scene in Disney's Tarzan is more disturbing than this scene in SHOwtime's The Borgias. Does that blow your mind? It shouldn't. 

Lucrezia just happens to be out and about this morning, shopping for froufie gowns that are presumably intended to torture little Groombaby. Cesare shows up; he's walking from the general direction of the hanging spectacle, so we know his goofy smile and jovial attitude is such an act. He's a bit too eager to hustle Lucrezia home - "It's getting hot" and all that - but Lucrezia's smart. Lucrezia's Lucrezia. She can tell something's wrong just by looking at him.

And that's when we hear some guy yell, "CUT HIM DOWN! GIVE ME A HAND! I NEED A SHARPER BLADE!"

"Girls" episode 1 (Pilot)

I heard a term, "FUBU", which stands for "For Us By Us", referring to works of art created by young people hoping to be the voice of their generation. It's kind of a deprecating term, but fuck that, I like it. And I'll be using it whenever I spot something that is overwhelmingly FUBU.

Scene 1:

Hannah snarfs spaghetti in a silent uncomfortable dinner in a nice restaurant. Her parents are in town for a visit, played by career TV parents Becky Ann Baker and Peter Scolari. (Side note: who else watched Peter Scolari's Disney Channel show Honey I Shrunk The Kids? I remember it as being weirdly good, much better than the movie.) Hannah describes her book-in-progress - four essays, to eventually be nine. "It's a memoir," she explains, as everyone in the restaurant suppresses either an eye-roll or a shriek of laughter. Then her mother jumps in and announces that they won't be supporting her anymore. "We can't keep bankrolling your 'groovy' lifestyle." Hannah: "Do you know how crazy this economy is right now? I could be a drug addict, do you realize how lucky you are? Everyone I know gets help from their parents."

Announcing: "Girls"!!!

On Sunday, I had a friend over. We were eating and watching TV because screw you, that's where I get my kicks.

We'd just finished an episode of Rome, and were looking for something else. Well, I wasn't going to suggest watching that evening's new installment of The Borgias, because such an activity is only appropriate in private, so I thought for a bit and then said:

"Well, I heard about this show that just premiered tonight, actually. It's called 'Girls'. I think it's supposed to be about us. Like, our people. I mean, It might sound a lot better than it actually is, but I guess it's worth a try."

So we watched it, my friend and I, and when it ended, we just sat there, mouths hanging open.

For, you guys, Girls is GOOD.

So good, in fact, that I decided to cover Girls concurrently with The Borgias. The Girls pieces will be quite different; they won't exactly be "recaps", in that the focus isn't on funny commentary. I'd call them "breakdowns".

So if you're watching Girls, hopefully you'll find value in my breakdowns. Or just slide right past them to get to the Borgias recaps; I won't be offended. But either way, you should really watch Girls. Lena Dunham must become famous.

The Borgias Season 2, Episode 2: Paolo

"Be safe," she says, because she's seen this show before.

If you're a character of low class, and they name an episode after you, just get out. Run. It's not going to end well. It should, but it won't. Don't blame the writers - blame the Borgias.

Paolo rides a donkey... And he's totally un-deformed! Indeed, I'd go so far as to say "unscathed"! And looking hotter than ever, because he's on a horse, and he's got this little extra kick in his step that I guess comes from having rid himself of the stench of Sforza. He asks a farmer for directions to Rome. "Can't you smell it from here?" says the farmer, accurately, giving Paolo an opportunity to reveal just how in-over-his-head he is - "Does Rome smell?" "It stinks!" Yeah, poor Narcissus has absolutely no idea what he's in for. The farmer points him in the right direction, and Paolo heads forth on his donkey to Jerusalem, I mean Rome. Jerusalem? What would possess me to write "Jerusalem"? Hm. Dunno. Let's see how this plays out, shall we?

BACK, BITCHES: Borgias Season 2, Episode 1: The Borgia Bull

Old rivalries. New wigs.

Jeremy Irons, sexily: Previously, on The Borgias.

HABEMUS PAPA!

SIMONY!

EVIDENCE!

LECHERY!

FAKE CHASTITY!

NEW WHORES!

ASSASSINS!

VULTURES!

FLYING CARDINALS!

ALFONSO!

CAREER DISAPPOINTMENT!

MARITAL RAPE!

SILLY PORTENTOUS NIGHTMARES!

GROOM BABIES!

THE FRENCH WAY!

KABOOM!

THE "ART" OF WAR!

TORSOS!

THE CROWN OF NAPLES!

PLAGUE!

IL BAMBINO!

And just as we're starting to catch our breath, we're hit with:

NEW OPENING CREDITS!