The family that slays together, stays together.

Sooo, kids...

I've been feeling a little torn up over the end of our sweet, sweet time together. Allora, I have made a... TRIBUTE! Retrospective! ...Thing.

I present, your Benevolent Clicktator's YouTube debut.

It's, er, humourous.

Subscribe to my YouTube channel, I guess? I'll put other videos up... at some point?

Clicky out.

The Borgias ep. 9, Nessuno (Nobody) - Recap!

See ya later; Lucrezia Borgia got asses to kick and names to take.

Y'all ready?

Credits, and YO! Everything makes sense now! There's Rodrigo and Giulia's first awkward spider-man kiss; there's Michelotto snapping the shit out of a neck; there's Rodrigo walkin', there's Della Rovere kissin', there's Rodrigo holdin' a rosary, Giulia holdin' a lamb, Juan sexin' a Sancia, and Rodrigo manifesting in a puddle of ink. I am weirdly satisfied, as though I have completed a simple puzzle. And I am enjoying it, for I know henceforth that I shall never have a similar joy towards these opening credits again.

The French army musters. "Muster muster muster," says the Army in that strange language of clanking armour and vague hollering. Della Rovere coaches Charles on Deposition Theory; namely, as we've previously learned from Rodrigo and Dr. McP, that the whole College of Cardinals needs to show up if anything is to be accomplished. "I propose you offer ice cream cake," he suggests, or would if he knew anything about managing people. Giulia curtly warns them that the Cardinals have probably all done what cardinals do best - flown (geddit like the birds?) - but she might be bluffing. The torso-flinging cannon is being towed by honest-to-goodness yaks.

The Borgias ep. 9, Nessuno (Nobody) - Review

Call me crazy, but I don't believe I've ever been asked to strip down to my undies in my place of business.

Nessuno (Nobody). A title that is actually Italian for an episode that is actually good.

Nessuno (Nobody). A misnomer, perhaps, since one thing this episode did do was give us at least a tasty tidbit of everybody. (Except Alfonso, but he might be dead.)

Nessuno (Nobody). Maybe it's accurate, since the downside of squeezing in a wrap-up of everybody's storyline means that some characters get weak wrap-ups. For instance, Awesome Juan's wrap-up basically amounted to "he lived happily ever after schtupping his little brother's wife; Little Gioffre suspects nothing". And Della Rovere's wrap-up was that he got his ass handed to him by Lucrezia, but that's old news by this point. However, Giovanni Sforza's trial and declaration of impotency was so hilariously justified and I loved it. And Charles' dismay at having inherited a wasteland of corpses was just beautiful.

The Borgias ep. 8, The Art of War - Recap

That's a torso, y'all.

Stables. Night. Giulia Farnese sneaks around the corner holding a lantern in only the most appropriate sneaking clothes: a giant-ass fancy purple gown. I can't help but feel that some yoga pants or a good solid lycra bodysuit would have suited her purposes somewhat better, what with all the ducking and twirling that is often part-and-parcel of sneakery, but sadly spandex is a) not invented yet and b) rather out-of-fashion among wealthy Roman ladies. Paulo is conked out IN the stables, à la Samara from The Ring, so I guess we're now taking bets on when exactly he's going to go psycho and start butchering horses (or trying to have sex with them, one of the two). Giulia gently shakes him awake; he reacts with the fear of a man who has been prodded awake in the middle of the night by a pretty lady dressed for the damn Oscars. "Are you The One?" she whispers. He nods immediately because the Oracle told him so. She threatens to hang him if he tells anyone about their clandestine boffery. "It would be a shame to maim that body of yours," she says, creepily, like some sort of Disney villain (how creepy would that exchange be if the genders were reversed?) and then orders the horses. Paulo watches her go through sleepy squinty eyes. Man, have you ever tried to saddle horses on two hours of sleep? Me neither. But it's gotta blow.

The Borgias ep. 8, The Art of War - Review

Holliday Grainger has got ALL of our noses.

Last season ended with Lucrezia being PREGGERS, Y'ALL. So, by the law of historical dramas, Lucrezia will either give birth one episode later OR during something that historically happened two years later. And, since there was no panicked belly-clutching to be seen this episode, it's gotta be the latter.

AND IT'S CESARE'S BABY.

(Not.)

(But I wish.)

No, it's not Cesare's baby because the man is still forcing us to suffer through hella inane angsty Ursula scenes that are not so much awful as they are f'ing POINTLESS. You know, I could almost forgive awful? Because at least that would mean they tried. But why waste your time, your actors' time, your crew's time, and most importantly MY OWN PERSONAL TIME shooting and editing a scene that goes NOWHERE and does NOTHING? Nobody had sex. Nobody died. Waste of time.

ANNOUNCING: Upcoming "The Borgias" Fanfic Compedium!

Greetings, subjects;

In honour of the The Borgias season finale happening A WEEK FROM TOMORROW Y'ALL, WHAAAT? Your Benevolent Clickator will be scouring the internet for the raddest and saddest fan-written The Borgias fiction! We're talking slash, incenst, slishcest; angst, AU, and Mary Sues; Harry Potter crossfics, time-travelling, resurrection, Ménages-à-Trois with Michelotto, the Secret Salacity of Dr. Nerdo McPious, MD.

AND I NEED YOUR HELP.

Yes, dear subjects, I want the links to your favourite fluff, your guiltiest pleasures, the top of the heap and the seedy underbelly. And, more importantly, I want YOUR crap too! Hit me, dear readers, with everything you have.

Post links in the comments; or send links and, if you're awesome, your own sweet creations (copy-pasted instead of attached, if you please) directly to meeee! at benevolent.clicktator@gmail.com!

Depending on what I find, I'll be posting the best, the worst, and the best worst to this page in the weeks after the season finale. It'll help wean you off the Borgia teat.

Thank you, and be well.

Clicky

The Borgias ep. 7, Death, on a Pale Horse - Recap

How do you solve a problem like a Borgia? How do you calm your loins when he's around?

French camp! As the army packs up their greesly things, Della Rovere and that blond general stroll through the camp chit-chatting about purveyors of greesliness. "Tell me, Cardinal," asks General Blond, "What is the Italian for cannon?" "We have no such word, General." Ditto for battery, cannonball, and something that sounds like "ordinance". General Blond snickers. I'm thinking snickering at Della Rovere is practically a hobby for most of them by this point. And that's where the French word "delarovère" (“pansy-ass holy man”) comes from. Kidding. Anyway, the conversation makes no sense, since it's not established exactly what language they're speaking. And no, "accents" is not a language.

So now that we're all prepped and foreshadowed, we move on to: Legs! The legs from the opening titles, in fact! I'm surprised they're only showing up now. Anyway, it's Juan and Sancia, talking all sorts of nonsense and rolling around and being hot and stuff. And I'm going to defend Juan's hotness for a moment: that haircut is not his fault and he looks a lot like James Purefoy. We can't all be Françios Arnaud, nor can we all get François Arnaud's wig. Something distracts Sancia, and she hops off Juan's testes and pendentes to look out the window. Little Gioffre (who is still Little Gioffre to me - I don't care who he is, where he's from, don't care what he did as long as he loves playing with Lucrezia's dolls) is chasing pigeons or something. Sancia is charmed by this; I think she loves Little Gioffre as much as I do. It's a funny thing, when your husband gives you baby pangs, but for some reason I don't think Sancia is put off, 'specially since she's got Juan's pasty "vigour" to play with.

The Borgias Ep. 7, Death, on a Pale Horse - Review

"Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you!"

-King Charles

Ah, Death on a Pale Horse - the episode we've all been waiting for. Or should I say, the episode SHOwtime (is that how I'm meant to spell it now?) insists we've all been waiting for. The episode foreshadowed by Rodrigo's metaphors and by Alfonso screaming "CARNAGE" right through his nose. And carnage there was. Right there on the screen. The director pointed to his diorama entitled "Carnage" and helpfully explained, "This is carnage."

Sarcastic enough? ...well. I can't put my finger on why, exactly, the carnage was not carnage-y enough for me. There were certainly all the requisite elements of carnage. Indeed, they went above and beyond, in terms of the carnage-ees; I can't recall ever seeing children being war-carnaged before. Perhaps it's because I watched the episode immediately following a particularly "greesly" episode of Game of Thrones. Maybe it was the lack of proper gore; maybe their method of "here, grab this child securely but safely, turn him away from the camera, swing your sword and simultaneously spray the bloodpack; we'll do the rest in foley" was simply too easy for me.

So I thought about other historical drama series battles, ones that had made me sit up and go OOOH SHIT. Ones that were packed with carnage and plenty grisliness. Ones that took place in the sixth episode of the second series, entitled Philippi, of a show that remains my favourite to date, Rome.

The technical similarities outweigh the differences, I think, but this I know: in Rome's Battle of Philippi, the forces colliding were spawned in the very first episode of the first season; this was a culmination of eighteen episodes of growing and floor-crossing and back-stabbing and clinging on the part of every character. We knew the leaders on both sides. We loved the leaders on both sides. And we hated them. We had both loved and hated them and loved them more for it, and we couldn't pick sides because they were both right and both so, so wrong. And we knew the outcome, but in that moment, we could hope for divine intervention.

Well, we (and I'm speaking in the royal "we", the Rodrigo "we") know Della Rovere only slightly better than any speaking Cardinal on this show, and we love him even less. We can feel mild pity for him, but no more than the show will allow, and since the show has pushed towards this carnage from the beginning, we are allowed very little. And yes, I loved King Charles in The French King, but I didn't love him love him, you know, not enough to make his actions this episode any more exciting than "Oh look, he's crazy, that's interesting." And we knew diddly-squat about Lucca, and less about the Luccans. And yes, Show (SHOw), we saw what you did, with the old ladies and little girls. Try again. It'll take more than a bunch of jogging Hungarian extras to get me misty-eyed.

I realize this review was entirely about the battle sequence. Sorry.

CHACHACHACHACHAAAANGES

Greetings, ever-growing populace.

Some of you may have noticed that, in the recent half-hour, your Benevolent Clicktator is now also your Benevolent Twittator, spreading TV fanaticism throughout the world at 140 chars a pop!

(Twitter. I'm trying to say I got twitter.)

Follow me, bitches.

NEXT!

I designed a logo!!! ...it's shit.

Microsoft Word's finest, the product of a whole three minutes of Google Image searching, courtesy of incessant shift-command-4 screenshooting, the accuracy of which was commendably mediocre.

But it's what I've got for now. And it might mean that I need to change my beloved navy-and-orange theme. But not just yet, because the TV is rad and the site is rad and I can deal with the colour clashing for now.

Tomorrow, please enjoy the newest The Borgias episode, "The Art of War", and then meet me back here for the review! And then the recap!

And kids, I'm gonna need to pick a new show for when this is all over. Preferably in its first season. I might put up a poll when I figure out how the hell. Until then, please leave suggestions in the comments or in my suggestion box!

I love you, je t'aime, ti/te amo, ich liebe dich.

Clicky out.

The Borgias Ep. 6, The French King - Recap

Pro tip: If a baby is made on the Table of Eternal Despair, NEVER LOOK IT IN THE EYE.

Pesaro Castle, AKA Casa di Sforza. Lucrezia sells Giovanni on a liniment that will allegedly heal his leg, though it will hurt. "Count again?" he asks. She giggles. "Yes, my lord." With a rag, she applies the goo - looks somewhat like olive paste - and in her sweetest voice she begins to count. He counts with her. And after Four, "And we are done." Single digits, just like Francesca promised. Talking of which, Francesca is standing by, and she and Lucrezia exchange satisfied glances. Giovanni curses his horse, guessing that a viper startled it. Lucrezia cautions him to count his blessings, for though he is confined to this tiny room, at least his leg is saved. He puts his kind face on and tells her she's been good to him while he's been laid up, and thus taught him that nobility "springs from the soul". And then he whizzes all over the kindness and sincerity of the last statement by proclaiming, "I forgive you the accident of your family name." Lucrezia swallows this latest gross insult, made all the more painful by his preceding kindess, and replies, "I must accept your forgiveness then, my lord, for the... accident... of my Borgia blood." And then, as further admission of the nice man lurking within, he offers her the full use of his horse. Lucrezia pretends to be impressed, all the while knowing that Paulo would hook her up regardless of whether Giovanni allowed it.

A white-haired ambassador for Naples conveys King Ferrante's regards to Rodrigo, Juan, and the assembled Cardinals. "King Ferrante can neither hear nor see, I believe," scoffs Juan, earning a smack from Rodrigo which resonates against his armour. In front of everyone. How embarrassing. The ambassador forges on with a suggestion that an independent Naples is a happy/loyal Naples, and on a completely unrelated note (not), he presents Ferrante's last unmarried daughter as a suitor for Rodrigo's son. "Sancia, Duchessa of Squillace," he proclaims. Juan asks where the hell is Squillace. "In the Kingdom of Naples," he replies unhelpfully, and reveals the portrait. It's very beautiful, and stylistically much better than Silvia's, though it doesn't look much at all like Emanuelle Chriqui. Which tells you a little something something about the general medium of painting in general. Juan and Rodrigo, though, are both taken and convinced. Juan even displays a wee hint of jealousy: "My younger brother Gioffre is all of thirteen years old." But according to the ambassador, they'd assumed the match was for the Duke of Gandia, also known as-- "Me!?" says Juan, before going off on a very fast and self-convincing rant about how such a match is beneath him, thankfully cut off by Rodrigo, who loudly asks the ambassador to please say nice things about him to King Ferrante. The ambassador, who looks mostly like Count Rugen, purses his lips, less than pleased. Well, for that matter, where the hell is Gandia, Juan?

The Borgias Ep. 6, The French King - Review

I was thinking, in lieu of a review this week, we would have a little event. A beauty pageant. Or an ugly pageant. And now, I present, the illustrious finalists of the Mr. Ugly "The Borgias" Cast Member 1492!

King Charles of France. Pros: Has campaigned extensively for the title. Cons: Has a personality that is surprisingly endearing.

The Borgias Ep. 5, The Borgias In Love - Recap

"LUCREZIA!! WHY ARE YOUR FEET SO GROTESQUELY TINY!??"

Open on Lucrezia in the bath again, in all her finery, pale and staring. Rodrigo kneels, horrified, weeping. Whoops, not in the bath - under the bath. Dead? He yanks her out. "What have I done? Will God ever forgive me?" She starts to rise, staring at him with pupil-less eyes. "God may forgive you, Father, but I never will." She's not, in fact, standing, but flying, rapturing, floating, and he caresses her tiny white feet as they rise past him. And methinks the most gruesome thing in this scene is those damn tiny feet. They are the feet of a child. Or a creepy wee doll. They're not right, is what I'm saying. Her hair is suddenly dry, and she stares down at him, judging him, holding her hands out like a saint, finally taking her place between the pair of painted angel wings in the ceiling. Dead and gone to heaven.

"LUCREZIA!" Rodrigo wakes in his bed, reaching for the ceiling and screaming. It's almost a punch line.

No, Lucrezia is very much alive, and not that much better off. She faces away from Sforza the Rapist, face all red. He wakes, looks her over, and sighs. She didn't snore, which he appreciates, but she wept, which he didn't, and he tells her that needs to stop. So of course she whimpers a bit. He takes a peek under the sheets and sees that she bled, confirming, to his utter shock, that she was, in fact, a virgin, and utterly rocking his perception of what their marriage was. He's being nicer this morning, which I appreciate, but he's not apologizing, which I don't. He starts to pull his pants on and talks some nonsense about her dowry, and then says her new name, "Lucrezia Borgia Sforza", which elicits a sob. "Do you hunt?" he asks, almost hopefully. I'm sure he does. She doesn't respond. He seems a tad disappointed at first, but then he realizes that they "need hardly see each other", except their marital duties, which will be kept brief and businesslike, he promises her. "My vagina is not a balance sheet," she doesn't say, and she bursts into tears anew when he closes the door behind him.

The Borgias Ep. 5, The Borgias In Love - Review

A mad Milanese urine shower is like the least disturbing thing Della Rovere has witnessed this week.

So here's what you missed on The Borgias. Rodrigo managed to marry Lucrezia off to Ascanio Sforza's cousin Giovanni who is also cousin to Ludovico Sforza the Duke of Milan which is good for them because Della Rovere's been on the campaign curcuit trying to get principalities north of Rome to agree to give the French Army uninterrupted passage en route to depose Rodrigo and (presumably) to install Della Rovere himself as Pope in return for the entire Kingdom of Naples which is ruled by a bean-headed vegetable and his awesome/twisted/underused son Alfonso but too bad for Lucrezia because Giovanni Sforza is a disgusting piggish marital rapist. Cesare met some new ass called Ursula Bonadeo but her shitty husband insulted Vanossa in the worst way so Cesare is now on the warpath and on top of that his lapdog Michelotto has once again screwed the pooch. And that's what you missed ooon THE BORGIAS.

Rodrigo has mad guilt sweats about saddling Lucrezia with Giovanni Sforza - he obviously doesn't know about the whole marital rape malarky, but his nightmares are making him feel oogly. Once again, we get a further taste of Jeremy Irons' awesomeness as he weeps and stuff. It's like every single week they give him awesome performance opportunities - gross old man crotch-grabbing, goofy accidental innuendo, weeping... maybe next week will be sword fight week! (Please?)

The Borgias Ep. 4, Lucrezia's Wedding - Recap

This isn't funny.

DO NOT GET MARRIED IN RENAISSANCE ROME.

We open on black-clad Uncle Fester scream-preaching at a bunch of veiled women and the occasional dude in yet another lovely marble hall - my spidey senses tell me this is Girolamo Savonarola, a Florentine monk, fire fetishist, and historical buzzkill. Cardinal Della Rovere, also in black, pushes through to the front of the crowd, looking up at Uncle F with either admiration or fear - and given Della Rovere's buzzkilling expertise, I'm going with admiration. Uncle Fester is blaming the current audience on Rodrigo's election, which, come on, we all saw how it went down, that's just abusive. Surely you can find something that's actually their fault to scold them about.

Back in Rome, Lucrezia is sweating it out (literally) in her golden bed. Cesare strikes a very imposing figure with his black cleric's robe against the golden wall hangings. Lucrezia frets that she's caught a something-or-the-other; Cesare caresses her hand and suggests that she's "sick of heartbreak". Djem's death is still clearly a sore spot for both of them, for different reasons. Lucrezia asks if it's true that his estate payed for her dowry; Cesare avoids the question. If it is so, Lucrezia insists she could never marry Giovanni Sforza, "no matter how handsome he is." "Who told you he was handsome?" Cesare deadpans. Lucrezia laughs ruefully. She makes Cesare repeat how Djem died - Swamp Fever - and looks only mostly convinced. "A mosquito killed my Moor?" Calm down, Desdemona. She mutters half-hopefully about maybe the same mosquito bit her, and then asks, "You would not lie to me, would you Cesare?" Cesare's like "Uhhh..." Then he makes out with her hand and she does not mind one bit. You guys, I think today might be the day the incest happens...

The Borgias Ep. 4, Lucrezia's Wedding - Review

Della Rovere meets the lesser-known employee of the Pit of Despair.

I know there are those who would criticize this show for being rather event-of-the-week driven. I, for one, think that's a little harsh; not because it's untrue, no, certainly not, but because the events thus far have barely qualified as such. For every bitchin' assassination there are about 600 dry expository conversations deconstructing said assassination until it barely even rocks anymore. So, this week's unabashedly event-driven episode was, for me, quite fantastically welcome.

What's impressive about this show is that its writers have the unique ability to suggest a lot of time passing each week, and make the hour feel like at least two, without actually boring the viewer. Or at least, this viewer. An episode that encompasses the entirety of Lucrezia's wedding, from the earliest stages of planning to the heartbreaking aftermath, plus a few subplots, without me feeling like I've been cheated, deserves a thumbs-up.

The Borgias Ep. 3, The Moor - Recap

"Men have knobs. Women have fannies. Pop knob in fanny."

-Jeremy Irons

The clips used in the title sequence are starting to look a more familiar. I must say that my favourite is still the painting of a skull biting a distraught woman's chin.

Naples. Seabirds chirp, and Della Rovere strides down a lovely terrace looking terribly red. He is presented to his Royal Highness King [something - Fanta?] of Naples, and his teenaged son Prince Alfonso. Della Rovere bows low to both of them, and lets a very awkward few seconds go by before peeking up to check what's going on. King F has a head like a bean covered in stringy white hair and he glares at the proceedings with the general malaise of a homeless person. Alfonso starts cackling as if he were stoned and watching South Park. His haircut is the worst. When he finally gets himself under control, he stage whispers, "He can't hear you." Della Rovere straightens, nonplussed. "He's deaf as a post. Has been for years." Alfonso leans over and screams Della Rovere's reason for visiting into his father's right ear. "REMEMBER BORGIA?" The kid is nasally and British. "HE'S APPOINTED A VERITABLE CASCADE OF CARDINALS." He turns to Della Rovere and asks if "cascade" works, like a gaggle of geese or an army of ants, and when Della Rovere remains speechless he shrugs and sticks with "cascade". "Among them his son," Della Rovere adds, completely stumped. Alfonso duly translates. "CESARE BORGIA, REMEMBER HIM?" Judging by the way he basically spits all over his father's ear, Alfonso does. The King doesn't, or is a vegetable. "You see?" says Alfonso almost sadly. "He hears nothing.

The Borgias Ep. 3, The Moor - Review

"Watermelon anyone?"

"Yes please."

This episode, methinks, was all about showing us just how high the stakes were, reminding us why exactly everything last episode was of such grave goddamn importance. This time around, people die. By the thousands. And by the thousands, I mean around ten. But still.

As always, though, this historical drama succumbs to the disease of telling us everything in exposition-heavy dialogue. They seem to be pushing this great imminent war, and all we're given are measured discussions about funding the armies and political banter that is, by necessity, temperate. I'm not watching this show for its temperance. I'm watching for the sex (curiously absent from this episode, though I have a few nice things to say about Colm Feore's bum) and mad leaders stabbing each other in the dick.

We are somewhat fulfilled in terms of the latter as we follow Della Rovere's trip to Naples, where the vegetable king's son Alfonso (played to utter perfection by Augustus Prew) takes the liberty of showing off his father's gruesome gallery of stuffed human corpses, trophies he'd collected before his at-the-time untreatable dementia hit. It's a fantastic scene. It's also an isolated scene. According to IMDb, we should not expect to see Alfonso any more this season, which is an absolute tragedy, since he's one of the most enjoyable characters on the show so far.

Another character that we most definitely will no longer see is Djem, the half-brother of the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, who crashes with the Borgias for a bit. While there, he's utterly chill with all the kids (except wee Gioffre, sadly missing from this episode): he looks up to Cesare as a mentor, Juan as a pal, and Lucrezia as a little sister, or potential love interest. Djem is written and acted wonderfully, especially his misguided attraction to Christianity, and his murder, while heartbreaking, reveals tons about Cesare's and Juan's relationship, which is always fascinating

Other plot points: the Spanish Jews gain entry into Rome... for a price, Cesare is made Cardinal (sad), Michelotto screws the pooch on an attempted assassination (facepalm), Michelotto somewhat redeems himself when another assassin botches the shit out of Djem's murder (woohoo), and Lucrezia eavesdrops on a suitor parade (rather funny) before finally being saddled with one mysterious Giovanni Sforza.