The Borgias Ep. 2, The Assassin - Recap

Ok, there's literally no indication as to where the first episode ends and the second begins, so this is how it's gonna have to be. Enjoy.

Jeremy Irons will wear his hood indoors if he damn well pleases.

Back at Casa di Borgiakids, Vanossa is watching a sleeping Lucrezia somewhat mournfully, which looks a bit like a vigil at first glance, which is scary. Outside, scary dudes are climbing a ladder. Rosso, whose name we learn now is Michelotto, charges forward. Everyone's all happy to see him. He asks if he's too late, and then, without further ado, stabs the shit out of the guy at the base of the ladder. Everyone starts running in all directions. Cesare cuts off one of their escapes. Michelotto guts the guy from behind.

Back at the late Orsini's, Juan charges up the stairs, followed by a bunch of soldiers, screaming at no-one in particular to get out of his way. In the ruined dining room, the remaining cardinals are on their knees. He tells them to pray somewhere else and orders his men to arrest the servants.

Michelotto hastily drags the bodies around on the ground. Cesare stonily asks if he planned it. Michelotto scoffs that if he'd planned it, Cesare would be down a hot sister to fantasize about. Actually, I think Michelotto's overestimating himself; it took Cesare like two seconds to figure out the plot back in the banquet hall and stop him. All of it was Orsini's doing, and Orsini, as we know, had no business handling his own fork and knife let alone an onslaught. Della Rovere had nothing to do with it. Now Michelotto is masterless, like a "stray dog". Which sounds a little desperate. Cesare's like "yeahhh, I don't so much go for keeping active bombs under my pillow." Then he goes, "Your name, sweet assassin." Odd thing to say. Michelotto introduces himself, but he pronounces it more "Micheletto", which is weird, because I checked both IMDb and Wikipedia for the spelling, but whatevvver. Cesare orders him to dump the bodies in the Tiber and meet him at the Vatican gate in two hours to talk business. A show's just not a show if there's not bodies being dumped in the Tiber.

The Borgias Ep 1, The Poisoned Chalice - Recap

My suckling pig with rosemary ate my homework.

Title sequence. Sexy and bloody Renaissance paintings and frescoes intercut with sexy and bloody snippets from what I'm sure are only the first two or three episodes, all strung together in a melting-ink oil-and-water suggestion-of-blood sort of thing, while a bunch of Gregorians chant some dies iraes. If the Rome and True Blood title sequences had a baby and abandoned it in a dumpster, and if the baby was then found and raised by an Italian Philippa Gregory, this would be it.

Contextual title cards - what is interesting is that they are written in past tense, implying that everything we're watching has absolutely happened and there's nothing we can do about it. Rome 1492. The center of the Christian world. (Still, yes, but the Protestants won't admit it.) The seat of the papacy. (Still, obvs.) The Pope had the power to crown and un-crown kings. To change the course of empires. (Not anymore, which I guess is a good thing.) The Church was mired in corruption. (Still, but that's half the point of the Church, nay?) Pope Innocent VIII was dying (not anymore because he's dead), And the Papal throne was the prize desired by all. (Only slightly truer then than it is today.)

Papal bedroom, where a priest delivers the aforementioned Innocent a communion wafer. Can I just say, re-naming yourself Innocent is like trying to disguise a herpsore as a beauty mark - everyone knows what you've been up to. Jeremy Irons, here playing Cardinal Rodrigo Borgia, peeks his Keith Richards-esque face into the frame. "You are afraid to enter," croaks Innocent, "but you must. I am about to meet my maker." Rodrigo steps lively, followed by Cardinal Shortwhitebeard, Cardinal Angryeyes (who seems to be entering from the other side), Cardinal Blurryfacedextra, and others, as Innocent admits he is very afraid. Then he helpfully greets Cardinals Sforza (the aforementioned Angryeyes), Orsini (Shortwhitebeard), Borgia (got it, thanks), and Della Rovere (Colm Feore! I saw him play Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady once!). Innocent predicts the four in-focus actors will "fight like dogs", which I take to mean that they are the preferiti (can you believe I remembered that? I read Angels and Demons like six years ago!). Della Rovere crosses himself a propos of nothing, already setting himself up to be that fucking guy. "It was pure once," Innocent gasps, talking of the Papal throne. "We have all sullied it with our greed. Lechery." Our greed for titties. The present company looks a bit tactfully expressionless. "Which of you will WASH IT CLEEEAAANN?" Everyone's like PICK ME. Rodrigo pipes up, "It shall be cleansed, Your Holiness, with the tears we shed for you." Excellent, Mr. Borgia, ten points for Gryffindor. Della Rovere and Orsini have the visceral, panicky look of men who know they just lost a chance for self-promotion. (Or are about to turn into werewolves.) Orsini says something rude at Rodrigo's shoulder about him being a dirty Spic and a white Moore, or something, but Rodrigo tactfully ignores him and repeats, "As Vice Chancellor, I swear before the Living God." He kneels by Innocent's bedside, and all of a sudden everyone's jumping on the bandwagon, with their "And so do I's" and "Rest Assured's" and crowding the sickbed with their voluminous red robes, and Della Rovere's just standing there trying to decide between looking like a sycophant and looking like a surly rebel. So he opts for a third option: the one-up. "The glory of the Holy Mother Church will be restored, in my lifetime," he swears, kissing Innocent's hand and casting a wholly indiscreet glare at Rodrigo. As the camera pans away to show a lovely, detailed set, Innocent blesses the assembled group, and then one cardinal crosses himself, and then everyone else remembers that that's what they're supposed to do and they cross themselves as well, just like Christmas mass. Keep reading. There will be sex.

The Borgias Ep. 1+2 - Review

Jeremy Irons has got the conch.

Rome, 1492. Cardinal Rodrigo Borgia, played by Jeremy Irons, snatches the hilarious hat right off the head of the recently deceased Pope Innocent VIII through means of trickery and, word of the day, simony. SIMONY, I tell you! Between beating down his detractors, blocking punches from his ex-sort-of-wife Vanossa and sexing desperate fallen noblewomen, he survives an assassination attempt with the help of his son...

Cesare Borgia, played by the sexy sexy sexy sexy and FRENCH François Arnaud, is a very unwilling bishop who gets his kicks apathetically screwing prostitutes and trying not to think about screwing his pretty fourteen-year-old sister Lucrezia. Cesare Borgia, just like his historical counterpart, is also a fucking psycho, spending his pent-up aggression on masterfully assisting his father's nefarious plots, and by assisting I mean, of course, doing the whole god damn thing itself, for no other reason, it seems, other than that he simply must be doing something illegal at all times or his head will explode.

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