Things I Wish I Never Saw: A Rage-Fuelled Special Edition Recap of the (Awful) True Blood Season 4 Finale

I wish I'd never seen Nelsan Ellis try to pull off a Fiona Shaw impression. This is mostly because Sam Trammel's Tommy impression set the bar higher than most commercial airliners fly and this Lafarnie bullshit is squatting on a powerline.

I wish the opening sequence was still relevant to the show. Remember those days? Those sweet good days?

I wish I hadn't seen Raelle Tucker's writing credit on this episode. Because the lesbo crush I had on her just disappeared.

(I actually kind of love the fact that Hoyt perhaps literally kicked the shit out of Jason.)

I wish to the Dear Lord above I had never heard Arlene speak the words "Zombies are the new vampires!" Because that makes NO FUGGING SENSE WHATSOEVER. HOLY SHIT. THE WHOLE POINT OF TRUE BLOOD IS THAT VAMPIRES ACTUALLY EXIST. They are not some fad phenomenon that could quite possibly be linked to the political climate. THEY EXIST AND THEY ARE SCARY AND ARLENE IS RACIST AGAINST THEM. NOTHING IS THE NEW VAMPIRES. VAMPIRES ARE THE NEW VAMPIRES. Holy shit. This is where things really start to get pukey.

I wish I'd never heard Jesus say the words "Vampires Suck". But I am happy I heard him say "You Can't Trade Magic Like Fucking Pokemon Cards."

I wish I had not seen Lafarnie stab and kill Jesus. But admittedly that is only because I do love Jesus.

I wish Emma had not misinterpreted Arlene's obvious question about her Halloween costume as a question about her species. Because Emma is not retarded and it is cruel to make her look retarded via ze shit writing.

WHY IS SCOTT FOLEY ON THIS SHOW? Because it's one thing when a former Grey's Anatomy guest star walks onto this show and becomes Franklin Mott. It's quite another thing when a Grey's Anatomy star that already makes me want to shoot things walks onto this show and becomes someone who makes me want to shoot things. Did we really need a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" storyline? I vote no.

But it's kind of cool that apparently Alcide and Sam are hanging out.

I wish Alcide had a better cell phone ring.

I wish I had not seen Strong Confident Angry Holly prance around in a strippertastic faerie costume.

I wish I had not seen Sookie pretend like she's been high before. That V-trip does not count.

I wish I had not seen that stupid steadicam shot that surprise-revealed Bill and Eric chained to a fucking stake like some sort of whacky smash-cut in a dismal Pirates of the Caribbean sequel. If this is going to become an odd-couple buddy comedy I would prefer some more advanced notice.

I wish I hadn't seen Holly surreptitiously lay down a salt circle without Lafarnie noticing. And I also wish I hadn't seen Bill do that thing where he notices and then quickly starts hurling dorky little whatsits at Lafarnie to keep her distracted.

I wish I never had to ever watch Lois Smith reach her hand into Lafayette's throat and yank out an Aunt Petunia like some shit rip-off of something from Ghostbusters, or Casper. I so dearly wish that this scene didn't look like they hauled Lois Smith out of a drunken stupor and propped her up long enough to puke out lines that were deemed too idiotic for The Young and The Restless.

I wish they didn't feel the need to plow Marnie's nerd angst into us like a semi with severed brake lines. Need I even utter at this point that WE GET IT?

And you know who else is in that graveyard!?!?!? CAROLINE AND THOMAS AND PROBABLY SARAH COMPTON. And you know what was the best scene last season and probably in the whole history of the show? THAT SCENE WITH CAROLINE AND THOMAS COMPTON. SO WHERE WERE THEY? IN AN EPISODE FULL OF AWFUL CORNINESS WHY WAS I DEPRIVED OF SUCH A WONDERFUL MOMENT OF CORNINESS?

I wish I never had to hear Tara wail "Bitch talk to me!" over Lafayette's unconscious body.

I wish I never had to hear Eric drawl "Excuse me... we're feeling a little crispy up here!"Because mostly what I'm mad about with this whole episode is that I've been waiting for a mass-resurrection since Maudette Pickens died and they treated it with all the grace and aplomb and production values of a MadTV sketch and it nearly drove me to tears. Angry tears.

I wish Rene's inevitable comback was somewhat less fucking brain dead. Even if the aforementioned "Ghosts of Terry's Past" turn out to be legit shit, there's no excuse for this.

I wish I never saw Jessica run around in a slutty Little Red Riding Hood outfit. Except what I mostly wish is that the Jason/Jessica thing had never happened. I mean, I don't know, maybe it could have been good, but it just turned such the utter opposite of good that I don't even know what a "good" handling of the Jason/Jessica thing would even look like. (And by "good" I mean "exciting", and by "opposite of good" I mean "so boring that I feel the need to fast forward through their scenes and I don't even like Jessica anymore and I NEVER thought there'd be ANYTHING that would make me not like Jessica".)

I wish I never saw a Jason/Jessica sex scene because it always makes me feel like I'm watching porn. In that there's always stupid music and I'm not invested in either of the characters or the relationship at large.

I can't even quantify how much I wish Pam had never turned into a one-dimentional curse-words-and-cliches vending machine. Pam is not the least bit awesome anymore. The minute you accept comfort from Ginger the Glamour Zombie is the minute you probably need to move to N'awlins and become a cage fighter.

I wish Lafayette had not stabbed Jesus because now we have to watch him being sad.

I am actually glad I get to see Eric and Bill going at Sookies wrists at the same time.

But I wish I didn't have to see that NOT result in a proper threesome.

Do I even need to go into detail about how much I desperately wish I never ever had to see this bullshit out-of-character poorly-written poorly-staged poorly-shot overlong fucking wreck of a pile of shit of a come-to-Jesus I-Choose-Myself rip-off? And how this might have been the ultimate dealbreaker of the episode? "Dealbreaker" as in I can't even muster up a decent amount of excitement for season 5? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD TAKE TO GET ME TO POSSIBLY WRITE OFF SEASON 5?

It's actually kind of cool that Jesus will be wandering in and out of the coming seasons in forest green scrubs.

I wish I never had to see a cutesy Holly/Andy scene immediately followed up with a pukingly cutesy Luna/Sam scene. What's that line of Luna's? "Don't jinx it. I just feel like if we are too cute and cheesy, that God is going to... drop a brick on our heads." Dingdingding, if "God" is Me and "Drop a brick on our heads" is "Possibly stop watching what used to be my absolute favourite part of summer."

I wish I never had to see a scene that was all about what Jason and Jessica "like" that lasted for more than 10 seconds.

While I couldn't be happier that Steve Newlin's back (mostly because I have a feeling that Anna Camp might be hot on his heels), I dearly wish there was just a tad more context and suspense surrounding his reappearance. Because, I'm sorry, as it is it looks like they only jammed him in there because test audiences were playing Russian Roulette out of sheer boredom.

Same as above, except replace Steve Newlin with Russell Edgington (and Anna Camp with that bitchin' crystal candy jar).

YO, WHAT IF IT WAS PAM WHO DUG HIM UP? Ok, that might be the motivation I need to tune in next season.

I wish I never had to hear Eric use the term "Gay Stormtroopers" because, while it was awesome, when combined with all the other vomitous self-referential horseshit in this episode, this was around the time I became convinced that the whole damn episode was written by the fans' twitter feeds.

I wish Nan didn't have to die. Because I loved her. That being said, Bill looked kinda hot while doing it. And at this point, I'll take what I can get.

I wish Brit Morgan would have gotten the slightly less shit-soaked end of the stick in this episode. That woman is a fantastic actress and a great human being and her exit was unceremonious and insulting.

And finally, I find it reprehensible that they killed Tara. Rutina Wesley was one of the greatest things about this show, in my humble opinion, and while she (like everyone else this season) was putridly wasted, her killing is almost so random that it looks like they fired her. 

To be honest, she's always seemed kind of ditzy in her interviews, so it might just be that she's a total idiot savant acting-wise and they canned her out of sheer annoyance.

But still, no. No to all of it.

There's been something off this whole season. It feels like something's broken, either there's dissension in the writer's room or they hired stupidly incompetent directors or the fact that they're working entirely in LA now is seriously impeding their creativity or I don't even know what. That being said, google searches for "true blood crew shakeups" have yielded nothing, as have "true blood falling out" and "raelle tucker juicy tell-all". However, "alan ball nervous breakdown" steered me towards his 1993 play Five Women Wearing The Same Dress, which is an interesting read.

Combat Hospital ep. 6, "Inner Truth" - Recap

Welcome to Kandahar. Bikini tops are standard-issue.

Who knew there were so many bikini models in Kandahar? Clearly there are plenty. Perhaps the Australians' beach party expertise extends to flying in a bunch of Yvonne Strahovskis because they are ubiquitous in these establishing shots. Really, it seems the only non-bikini-model in the bunch is the poor bitch who drew the short straw and has to stand off to the side in full armour with a big-ass gun. (I mean, I'm assuming she's a lady based on the very small bit of face I can see under all that business.)

Combat Hospital ep. 5, "Hells Bells" - Recap

First off, allow me to apologize for being SUPER RIDICULOUSLY BEHIND. Being a relatively new blogger, I'm still sort of discovering the fact that maintaining a blog when it's not your full-time job is HARD.

And now, our feature presentation:

You knew something like this was coming.

Still loving the theme song

So naturally, the Unpleasantness steps all over it with her smoker's voice. It's group therapy time! A cute blond kid shares his sad feelings about how he's home less than 24 hours and can only think about getting back to Kandahar. Sounds like a very intense emotional issue, laden with emotions such as fear, anxiety, and crushing guilt; and it sounds like something a lot of people experience and yet can't bring themselves to share. An ideal topic for a group therapy session. So how does Unpleasantness react?

Combat Hospital ep. 4, "Wrong Place at the Right Time" - Recap

"This is the best job ever." -Props Department

Lovely orange sunrise in the deserty distance gives way to the silly COMBAT HOSPITAL title card. But, and I know I haven't mentioned this before, I completely dig the theme music. I'm a sucker for middle-eastern percussion. It makes me feel kind of at home. Which is weird... must be a past-life thing.

Combat Hospital ep. 3, "It's My Party" - Recap

But more importantly, TIA CARRERE

Pederson snores like a trucker. Or like an elephant. Or like a foley guy standing in front of a microphone fake-snoring. Gordon is not impressed.

Then we get to see her with her hair down for the first time and finally she looks like Michelle Borth, like her sexy pouty hair-everywhere IMDb photo.

Then she's showering in a stall that only comes up to her shoulders. Kandahar is just going to keep looking more and more like summer camp throughout the episode. Especially when a nasty saucer-sized and depressingly CG tarantula inches its way over the shower wall to the strains of ominous horror-movie music. So, because Gordon is a chick and a military chick, she grabs her gun and shoots the fucker!

Combat Hospital ep. 2, "Enemy Within" - Recap

Pederson: "And how do you propose we get her onto the base?"

Gordon: "I propose we Wizard of Oz that shit."

The title card strikes me as being super cheesy to the point of hilarity - goofy font over a panoramic shot of the airfield looming ever closer to your eyeballs - reminds me of the opening credits of The Rocky Horror Picture Show except it's not a comedy. Wait, let me check Wikipedia... yep, apparently they think they're not a comedy, so I'm obliged to consider them as such. However hard it might be. And that silly title card isn't helping.

Combat Hospital ep. 1, "Welcome to Kandahar" - Recap

"Listen, kids, when someone as genetically perfect as me or as intimidatingly tiny as her tell you to mop the floor, you stop flashing your medical degrees in my face and MOP THE FUCKING FLOOR, ya hear?"

We open with urine on our heroine's hands. That's not a euphemism, it's simply a logical deduction - she is holding a pregnancy test; thus, there is urine on her hands. It's by far the most notable thing about this scene. Other tidbits include: according to the ambient noise she is clearly flying on a plane, she is wearing a flack jacket (that's what they're called, right?), and the whole shebang is about to touch down in Kandahar Province, Afghanistan.

True Blood Sneak Peek - RECAP

I'm doing this, y'all, don't even try to stop me.

You can call her MAAAB.

Click. Fzzzz. Choir of angels. And my whole body relaxes into the pure bliss and exhilaration of anticipation. Yes, it's only the HBO title card, and yes, I have in fact heard that sweet sweet symphony since that sad sad day in September; but hearing it once again at the vanguard of a brand new True Blood episode - well, it's like the Star Wars theme. Dime a dozen, right, crappy sitcoms shell out for it or the Imperial March left right and center as a fix-all and it's everywhere and you hear it all the time... but if you were to time travel back to nineteen-seventy-whatever and catch one of the first screenings of The Empire Strikes Back with all the crazy newly-minted Star Wars nerds in a time when nobody had been entirely sure there would be a second, and in a time when it looked like Harrison Ford had up and finished with the franchise, and the lights dimmed and that silent unassuming Arial-typefaced open-ended once-upon-a-time quietly faded in and faded out, are you going to tell me that you wouldn't have a mild heart attack upon hearing that first trumpet blast? Same basic principle.

The family that slays together, stays together.

Sooo, kids...

I've been feeling a little torn up over the end of our sweet, sweet time together. Allora, I have made a... TRIBUTE! Retrospective! ...Thing.

I present, your Benevolent Clicktator's YouTube debut.

It's, er, humourous.

Subscribe to my YouTube channel, I guess? I'll put other videos up... at some point?

Clicky out.

The Borgias ep. 9, Nessuno (Nobody) - Recap!

See ya later; Lucrezia Borgia got asses to kick and names to take.

Y'all ready?

Credits, and YO! Everything makes sense now! There's Rodrigo and Giulia's first awkward spider-man kiss; there's Michelotto snapping the shit out of a neck; there's Rodrigo walkin', there's Della Rovere kissin', there's Rodrigo holdin' a rosary, Giulia holdin' a lamb, Juan sexin' a Sancia, and Rodrigo manifesting in a puddle of ink. I am weirdly satisfied, as though I have completed a simple puzzle. And I am enjoying it, for I know henceforth that I shall never have a similar joy towards these opening credits again.

The French army musters. "Muster muster muster," says the Army in that strange language of clanking armour and vague hollering. Della Rovere coaches Charles on Deposition Theory; namely, as we've previously learned from Rodrigo and Dr. McP, that the whole College of Cardinals needs to show up if anything is to be accomplished. "I propose you offer ice cream cake," he suggests, or would if he knew anything about managing people. Giulia curtly warns them that the Cardinals have probably all done what cardinals do best - flown (geddit like the birds?) - but she might be bluffing. The torso-flinging cannon is being towed by honest-to-goodness yaks.

The Borgias ep. 9, Nessuno (Nobody) - Review

Call me crazy, but I don't believe I've ever been asked to strip down to my undies in my place of business.

Nessuno (Nobody). A title that is actually Italian for an episode that is actually good.

Nessuno (Nobody). A misnomer, perhaps, since one thing this episode did do was give us at least a tasty tidbit of everybody. (Except Alfonso, but he might be dead.)

Nessuno (Nobody). Maybe it's accurate, since the downside of squeezing in a wrap-up of everybody's storyline means that some characters get weak wrap-ups. For instance, Awesome Juan's wrap-up basically amounted to "he lived happily ever after schtupping his little brother's wife; Little Gioffre suspects nothing". And Della Rovere's wrap-up was that he got his ass handed to him by Lucrezia, but that's old news by this point. However, Giovanni Sforza's trial and declaration of impotency was so hilariously justified and I loved it. And Charles' dismay at having inherited a wasteland of corpses was just beautiful.

The Borgias ep. 8, The Art of War - Recap

That's a torso, y'all.

Stables. Night. Giulia Farnese sneaks around the corner holding a lantern in only the most appropriate sneaking clothes: a giant-ass fancy purple gown. I can't help but feel that some yoga pants or a good solid lycra bodysuit would have suited her purposes somewhat better, what with all the ducking and twirling that is often part-and-parcel of sneakery, but sadly spandex is a) not invented yet and b) rather out-of-fashion among wealthy Roman ladies. Paulo is conked out IN the stables, à la Samara from The Ring, so I guess we're now taking bets on when exactly he's going to go psycho and start butchering horses (or trying to have sex with them, one of the two). Giulia gently shakes him awake; he reacts with the fear of a man who has been prodded awake in the middle of the night by a pretty lady dressed for the damn Oscars. "Are you The One?" she whispers. He nods immediately because the Oracle told him so. She threatens to hang him if he tells anyone about their clandestine boffery. "It would be a shame to maim that body of yours," she says, creepily, like some sort of Disney villain (how creepy would that exchange be if the genders were reversed?) and then orders the horses. Paulo watches her go through sleepy squinty eyes. Man, have you ever tried to saddle horses on two hours of sleep? Me neither. But it's gotta blow.

The Borgias ep. 8, The Art of War - Review

Holliday Grainger has got ALL of our noses.

Last season ended with Lucrezia being PREGGERS, Y'ALL. So, by the law of historical dramas, Lucrezia will either give birth one episode later OR during something that historically happened two years later. And, since there was no panicked belly-clutching to be seen this episode, it's gotta be the latter.

AND IT'S CESARE'S BABY.

(Not.)

(But I wish.)

No, it's not Cesare's baby because the man is still forcing us to suffer through hella inane angsty Ursula scenes that are not so much awful as they are f'ing POINTLESS. You know, I could almost forgive awful? Because at least that would mean they tried. But why waste your time, your actors' time, your crew's time, and most importantly MY OWN PERSONAL TIME shooting and editing a scene that goes NOWHERE and does NOTHING? Nobody had sex. Nobody died. Waste of time.

ANNOUNCING: Upcoming "The Borgias" Fanfic Compedium!

Greetings, subjects;

In honour of the The Borgias season finale happening A WEEK FROM TOMORROW Y'ALL, WHAAAT? Your Benevolent Clickator will be scouring the internet for the raddest and saddest fan-written The Borgias fiction! We're talking slash, incenst, slishcest; angst, AU, and Mary Sues; Harry Potter crossfics, time-travelling, resurrection, Ménages-à-Trois with Michelotto, the Secret Salacity of Dr. Nerdo McPious, MD.

AND I NEED YOUR HELP.

Yes, dear subjects, I want the links to your favourite fluff, your guiltiest pleasures, the top of the heap and the seedy underbelly. And, more importantly, I want YOUR crap too! Hit me, dear readers, with everything you have.

Post links in the comments; or send links and, if you're awesome, your own sweet creations (copy-pasted instead of attached, if you please) directly to meeee! at benevolent.clicktator@gmail.com!

Depending on what I find, I'll be posting the best, the worst, and the best worst to this page in the weeks after the season finale. It'll help wean you off the Borgia teat.

Thank you, and be well.

Clicky

The Borgias ep. 7, Death, on a Pale Horse - Recap

How do you solve a problem like a Borgia? How do you calm your loins when he's around?

French camp! As the army packs up their greesly things, Della Rovere and that blond general stroll through the camp chit-chatting about purveyors of greesliness. "Tell me, Cardinal," asks General Blond, "What is the Italian for cannon?" "We have no such word, General." Ditto for battery, cannonball, and something that sounds like "ordinance". General Blond snickers. I'm thinking snickering at Della Rovere is practically a hobby for most of them by this point. And that's where the French word "delarovère" (“pansy-ass holy man”) comes from. Kidding. Anyway, the conversation makes no sense, since it's not established exactly what language they're speaking. And no, "accents" is not a language.

So now that we're all prepped and foreshadowed, we move on to: Legs! The legs from the opening titles, in fact! I'm surprised they're only showing up now. Anyway, it's Juan and Sancia, talking all sorts of nonsense and rolling around and being hot and stuff. And I'm going to defend Juan's hotness for a moment: that haircut is not his fault and he looks a lot like James Purefoy. We can't all be Françios Arnaud, nor can we all get François Arnaud's wig. Something distracts Sancia, and she hops off Juan's testes and pendentes to look out the window. Little Gioffre (who is still Little Gioffre to me - I don't care who he is, where he's from, don't care what he did as long as he loves playing with Lucrezia's dolls) is chasing pigeons or something. Sancia is charmed by this; I think she loves Little Gioffre as much as I do. It's a funny thing, when your husband gives you baby pangs, but for some reason I don't think Sancia is put off, 'specially since she's got Juan's pasty "vigour" to play with.

The Borgias Ep. 7, Death, on a Pale Horse - Review

"Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you!"

-King Charles

Ah, Death on a Pale Horse - the episode we've all been waiting for. Or should I say, the episode SHOwtime (is that how I'm meant to spell it now?) insists we've all been waiting for. The episode foreshadowed by Rodrigo's metaphors and by Alfonso screaming "CARNAGE" right through his nose. And carnage there was. Right there on the screen. The director pointed to his diorama entitled "Carnage" and helpfully explained, "This is carnage."

Sarcastic enough? ...well. I can't put my finger on why, exactly, the carnage was not carnage-y enough for me. There were certainly all the requisite elements of carnage. Indeed, they went above and beyond, in terms of the carnage-ees; I can't recall ever seeing children being war-carnaged before. Perhaps it's because I watched the episode immediately following a particularly "greesly" episode of Game of Thrones. Maybe it was the lack of proper gore; maybe their method of "here, grab this child securely but safely, turn him away from the camera, swing your sword and simultaneously spray the bloodpack; we'll do the rest in foley" was simply too easy for me.

So I thought about other historical drama series battles, ones that had made me sit up and go OOOH SHIT. Ones that were packed with carnage and plenty grisliness. Ones that took place in the sixth episode of the second series, entitled Philippi, of a show that remains my favourite to date, Rome.

The technical similarities outweigh the differences, I think, but this I know: in Rome's Battle of Philippi, the forces colliding were spawned in the very first episode of the first season; this was a culmination of eighteen episodes of growing and floor-crossing and back-stabbing and clinging on the part of every character. We knew the leaders on both sides. We loved the leaders on both sides. And we hated them. We had both loved and hated them and loved them more for it, and we couldn't pick sides because they were both right and both so, so wrong. And we knew the outcome, but in that moment, we could hope for divine intervention.

Well, we (and I'm speaking in the royal "we", the Rodrigo "we") know Della Rovere only slightly better than any speaking Cardinal on this show, and we love him even less. We can feel mild pity for him, but no more than the show will allow, and since the show has pushed towards this carnage from the beginning, we are allowed very little. And yes, I loved King Charles in The French King, but I didn't love him love him, you know, not enough to make his actions this episode any more exciting than "Oh look, he's crazy, that's interesting." And we knew diddly-squat about Lucca, and less about the Luccans. And yes, Show (SHOw), we saw what you did, with the old ladies and little girls. Try again. It'll take more than a bunch of jogging Hungarian extras to get me misty-eyed.

I realize this review was entirely about the battle sequence. Sorry.

CHACHACHACHACHAAAANGES

Greetings, ever-growing populace.

Some of you may have noticed that, in the recent half-hour, your Benevolent Clicktator is now also your Benevolent Twittator, spreading TV fanaticism throughout the world at 140 chars a pop!

(Twitter. I'm trying to say I got twitter.)

Follow me, bitches.

NEXT!

I designed a logo!!! ...it's shit.

Microsoft Word's finest, the product of a whole three minutes of Google Image searching, courtesy of incessant shift-command-4 screenshooting, the accuracy of which was commendably mediocre.

But it's what I've got for now. And it might mean that I need to change my beloved navy-and-orange theme. But not just yet, because the TV is rad and the site is rad and I can deal with the colour clashing for now.

Tomorrow, please enjoy the newest The Borgias episode, "The Art of War", and then meet me back here for the review! And then the recap!

And kids, I'm gonna need to pick a new show for when this is all over. Preferably in its first season. I might put up a poll when I figure out how the hell. Until then, please leave suggestions in the comments or in my suggestion box!

I love you, je t'aime, ti/te amo, ich liebe dich.

Clicky out.

The Borgias Ep. 6, The French King - Recap

Pro tip: If a baby is made on the Table of Eternal Despair, NEVER LOOK IT IN THE EYE.

Pesaro Castle, AKA Casa di Sforza. Lucrezia sells Giovanni on a liniment that will allegedly heal his leg, though it will hurt. "Count again?" he asks. She giggles. "Yes, my lord." With a rag, she applies the goo - looks somewhat like olive paste - and in her sweetest voice she begins to count. He counts with her. And after Four, "And we are done." Single digits, just like Francesca promised. Talking of which, Francesca is standing by, and she and Lucrezia exchange satisfied glances. Giovanni curses his horse, guessing that a viper startled it. Lucrezia cautions him to count his blessings, for though he is confined to this tiny room, at least his leg is saved. He puts his kind face on and tells her she's been good to him while he's been laid up, and thus taught him that nobility "springs from the soul". And then he whizzes all over the kindness and sincerity of the last statement by proclaiming, "I forgive you the accident of your family name." Lucrezia swallows this latest gross insult, made all the more painful by his preceding kindess, and replies, "I must accept your forgiveness then, my lord, for the... accident... of my Borgia blood." And then, as further admission of the nice man lurking within, he offers her the full use of his horse. Lucrezia pretends to be impressed, all the while knowing that Paulo would hook her up regardless of whether Giovanni allowed it.

A white-haired ambassador for Naples conveys King Ferrante's regards to Rodrigo, Juan, and the assembled Cardinals. "King Ferrante can neither hear nor see, I believe," scoffs Juan, earning a smack from Rodrigo which resonates against his armour. In front of everyone. How embarrassing. The ambassador forges on with a suggestion that an independent Naples is a happy/loyal Naples, and on a completely unrelated note (not), he presents Ferrante's last unmarried daughter as a suitor for Rodrigo's son. "Sancia, Duchessa of Squillace," he proclaims. Juan asks where the hell is Squillace. "In the Kingdom of Naples," he replies unhelpfully, and reveals the portrait. It's very beautiful, and stylistically much better than Silvia's, though it doesn't look much at all like Emanuelle Chriqui. Which tells you a little something something about the general medium of painting in general. Juan and Rodrigo, though, are both taken and convinced. Juan even displays a wee hint of jealousy: "My younger brother Gioffre is all of thirteen years old." But according to the ambassador, they'd assumed the match was for the Duke of Gandia, also known as-- "Me!?" says Juan, before going off on a very fast and self-convincing rant about how such a match is beneath him, thankfully cut off by Rodrigo, who loudly asks the ambassador to please say nice things about him to King Ferrante. The ambassador, who looks mostly like Count Rugen, purses his lips, less than pleased. Well, for that matter, where the hell is Gandia, Juan?

The Borgias Ep. 6, The French King - Review

I was thinking, in lieu of a review this week, we would have a little event. A beauty pageant. Or an ugly pageant. And now, I present, the illustrious finalists of the Mr. Ugly "The Borgias" Cast Member 1492!

King Charles of France. Pros: Has campaigned extensively for the title. Cons: Has a personality that is surprisingly endearing.

The Borgias Ep. 5, The Borgias In Love - Recap

"LUCREZIA!! WHY ARE YOUR FEET SO GROTESQUELY TINY!??"

Open on Lucrezia in the bath again, in all her finery, pale and staring. Rodrigo kneels, horrified, weeping. Whoops, not in the bath - under the bath. Dead? He yanks her out. "What have I done? Will God ever forgive me?" She starts to rise, staring at him with pupil-less eyes. "God may forgive you, Father, but I never will." She's not, in fact, standing, but flying, rapturing, floating, and he caresses her tiny white feet as they rise past him. And methinks the most gruesome thing in this scene is those damn tiny feet. They are the feet of a child. Or a creepy wee doll. They're not right, is what I'm saying. Her hair is suddenly dry, and she stares down at him, judging him, holding her hands out like a saint, finally taking her place between the pair of painted angel wings in the ceiling. Dead and gone to heaven.

"LUCREZIA!" Rodrigo wakes in his bed, reaching for the ceiling and screaming. It's almost a punch line.

No, Lucrezia is very much alive, and not that much better off. She faces away from Sforza the Rapist, face all red. He wakes, looks her over, and sighs. She didn't snore, which he appreciates, but she wept, which he didn't, and he tells her that needs to stop. So of course she whimpers a bit. He takes a peek under the sheets and sees that she bled, confirming, to his utter shock, that she was, in fact, a virgin, and utterly rocking his perception of what their marriage was. He's being nicer this morning, which I appreciate, but he's not apologizing, which I don't. He starts to pull his pants on and talks some nonsense about her dowry, and then says her new name, "Lucrezia Borgia Sforza", which elicits a sob. "Do you hunt?" he asks, almost hopefully. I'm sure he does. She doesn't respond. He seems a tad disappointed at first, but then he realizes that they "need hardly see each other", except their marital duties, which will be kept brief and businesslike, he promises her. "My vagina is not a balance sheet," she doesn't say, and she bursts into tears anew when he closes the door behind him.

The Borgias Ep. 5, The Borgias In Love - Review

A mad Milanese urine shower is like the least disturbing thing Della Rovere has witnessed this week.

So here's what you missed on The Borgias. Rodrigo managed to marry Lucrezia off to Ascanio Sforza's cousin Giovanni who is also cousin to Ludovico Sforza the Duke of Milan which is good for them because Della Rovere's been on the campaign curcuit trying to get principalities north of Rome to agree to give the French Army uninterrupted passage en route to depose Rodrigo and (presumably) to install Della Rovere himself as Pope in return for the entire Kingdom of Naples which is ruled by a bean-headed vegetable and his awesome/twisted/underused son Alfonso but too bad for Lucrezia because Giovanni Sforza is a disgusting piggish marital rapist. Cesare met some new ass called Ursula Bonadeo but her shitty husband insulted Vanossa in the worst way so Cesare is now on the warpath and on top of that his lapdog Michelotto has once again screwed the pooch. And that's what you missed ooon THE BORGIAS.

Rodrigo has mad guilt sweats about saddling Lucrezia with Giovanni Sforza - he obviously doesn't know about the whole marital rape malarky, but his nightmares are making him feel oogly. Once again, we get a further taste of Jeremy Irons' awesomeness as he weeps and stuff. It's like every single week they give him awesome performance opportunities - gross old man crotch-grabbing, goofy accidental innuendo, weeping... maybe next week will be sword fight week! (Please?)

The Borgias Ep. 4, Lucrezia's Wedding - Recap

This isn't funny.

DO NOT GET MARRIED IN RENAISSANCE ROME.

We open on black-clad Uncle Fester scream-preaching at a bunch of veiled women and the occasional dude in yet another lovely marble hall - my spidey senses tell me this is Girolamo Savonarola, a Florentine monk, fire fetishist, and historical buzzkill. Cardinal Della Rovere, also in black, pushes through to the front of the crowd, looking up at Uncle F with either admiration or fear - and given Della Rovere's buzzkilling expertise, I'm going with admiration. Uncle Fester is blaming the current audience on Rodrigo's election, which, come on, we all saw how it went down, that's just abusive. Surely you can find something that's actually their fault to scold them about.

Back in Rome, Lucrezia is sweating it out (literally) in her golden bed. Cesare strikes a very imposing figure with his black cleric's robe against the golden wall hangings. Lucrezia frets that she's caught a something-or-the-other; Cesare caresses her hand and suggests that she's "sick of heartbreak". Djem's death is still clearly a sore spot for both of them, for different reasons. Lucrezia asks if it's true that his estate payed for her dowry; Cesare avoids the question. If it is so, Lucrezia insists she could never marry Giovanni Sforza, "no matter how handsome he is." "Who told you he was handsome?" Cesare deadpans. Lucrezia laughs ruefully. She makes Cesare repeat how Djem died - Swamp Fever - and looks only mostly convinced. "A mosquito killed my Moor?" Calm down, Desdemona. She mutters half-hopefully about maybe the same mosquito bit her, and then asks, "You would not lie to me, would you Cesare?" Cesare's like "Uhhh..." Then he makes out with her hand and she does not mind one bit. You guys, I think today might be the day the incest happens...

The Borgias Ep. 4, Lucrezia's Wedding - Review

Della Rovere meets the lesser-known employee of the Pit of Despair.

I know there are those who would criticize this show for being rather event-of-the-week driven. I, for one, think that's a little harsh; not because it's untrue, no, certainly not, but because the events thus far have barely qualified as such. For every bitchin' assassination there are about 600 dry expository conversations deconstructing said assassination until it barely even rocks anymore. So, this week's unabashedly event-driven episode was, for me, quite fantastically welcome.

What's impressive about this show is that its writers have the unique ability to suggest a lot of time passing each week, and make the hour feel like at least two, without actually boring the viewer. Or at least, this viewer. An episode that encompasses the entirety of Lucrezia's wedding, from the earliest stages of planning to the heartbreaking aftermath, plus a few subplots, without me feeling like I've been cheated, deserves a thumbs-up.

The Borgias Ep. 3, The Moor - Recap

"Men have knobs. Women have fannies. Pop knob in fanny."

-Jeremy Irons

The clips used in the title sequence are starting to look a more familiar. I must say that my favourite is still the painting of a skull biting a distraught woman's chin.

Naples. Seabirds chirp, and Della Rovere strides down a lovely terrace looking terribly red. He is presented to his Royal Highness King [something - Fanta?] of Naples, and his teenaged son Prince Alfonso. Della Rovere bows low to both of them, and lets a very awkward few seconds go by before peeking up to check what's going on. King F has a head like a bean covered in stringy white hair and he glares at the proceedings with the general malaise of a homeless person. Alfonso starts cackling as if he were stoned and watching South Park. His haircut is the worst. When he finally gets himself under control, he stage whispers, "He can't hear you." Della Rovere straightens, nonplussed. "He's deaf as a post. Has been for years." Alfonso leans over and screams Della Rovere's reason for visiting into his father's right ear. "REMEMBER BORGIA?" The kid is nasally and British. "HE'S APPOINTED A VERITABLE CASCADE OF CARDINALS." He turns to Della Rovere and asks if "cascade" works, like a gaggle of geese or an army of ants, and when Della Rovere remains speechless he shrugs and sticks with "cascade". "Among them his son," Della Rovere adds, completely stumped. Alfonso duly translates. "CESARE BORGIA, REMEMBER HIM?" Judging by the way he basically spits all over his father's ear, Alfonso does. The King doesn't, or is a vegetable. "You see?" says Alfonso almost sadly. "He hears nothing.

The Borgias Ep. 3, The Moor - Review

"Watermelon anyone?"

"Yes please."

This episode, methinks, was all about showing us just how high the stakes were, reminding us why exactly everything last episode was of such grave goddamn importance. This time around, people die. By the thousands. And by the thousands, I mean around ten. But still.

As always, though, this historical drama succumbs to the disease of telling us everything in exposition-heavy dialogue. They seem to be pushing this great imminent war, and all we're given are measured discussions about funding the armies and political banter that is, by necessity, temperate. I'm not watching this show for its temperance. I'm watching for the sex (curiously absent from this episode, though I have a few nice things to say about Colm Feore's bum) and mad leaders stabbing each other in the dick.

We are somewhat fulfilled in terms of the latter as we follow Della Rovere's trip to Naples, where the vegetable king's son Alfonso (played to utter perfection by Augustus Prew) takes the liberty of showing off his father's gruesome gallery of stuffed human corpses, trophies he'd collected before his at-the-time untreatable dementia hit. It's a fantastic scene. It's also an isolated scene. According to IMDb, we should not expect to see Alfonso any more this season, which is an absolute tragedy, since he's one of the most enjoyable characters on the show so far.

Another character that we most definitely will no longer see is Djem, the half-brother of the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, who crashes with the Borgias for a bit. While there, he's utterly chill with all the kids (except wee Gioffre, sadly missing from this episode): he looks up to Cesare as a mentor, Juan as a pal, and Lucrezia as a little sister, or potential love interest. Djem is written and acted wonderfully, especially his misguided attraction to Christianity, and his murder, while heartbreaking, reveals tons about Cesare's and Juan's relationship, which is always fascinating

Other plot points: the Spanish Jews gain entry into Rome... for a price, Cesare is made Cardinal (sad), Michelotto screws the pooch on an attempted assassination (facepalm), Michelotto somewhat redeems himself when another assassin botches the shit out of Djem's murder (woohoo), and Lucrezia eavesdrops on a suitor parade (rather funny) before finally being saddled with one mysterious Giovanni Sforza.

The Borgias Ep. 2, The Assassin - Recap

Ok, there's literally no indication as to where the first episode ends and the second begins, so this is how it's gonna have to be. Enjoy.

Jeremy Irons will wear his hood indoors if he damn well pleases.

Back at Casa di Borgiakids, Vanossa is watching a sleeping Lucrezia somewhat mournfully, which looks a bit like a vigil at first glance, which is scary. Outside, scary dudes are climbing a ladder. Rosso, whose name we learn now is Michelotto, charges forward. Everyone's all happy to see him. He asks if he's too late, and then, without further ado, stabs the shit out of the guy at the base of the ladder. Everyone starts running in all directions. Cesare cuts off one of their escapes. Michelotto guts the guy from behind.

Back at the late Orsini's, Juan charges up the stairs, followed by a bunch of soldiers, screaming at no-one in particular to get out of his way. In the ruined dining room, the remaining cardinals are on their knees. He tells them to pray somewhere else and orders his men to arrest the servants.

Michelotto hastily drags the bodies around on the ground. Cesare stonily asks if he planned it. Michelotto scoffs that if he'd planned it, Cesare would be down a hot sister to fantasize about. Actually, I think Michelotto's overestimating himself; it took Cesare like two seconds to figure out the plot back in the banquet hall and stop him. All of it was Orsini's doing, and Orsini, as we know, had no business handling his own fork and knife let alone an onslaught. Della Rovere had nothing to do with it. Now Michelotto is masterless, like a "stray dog". Which sounds a little desperate. Cesare's like "yeahhh, I don't so much go for keeping active bombs under my pillow." Then he goes, "Your name, sweet assassin." Odd thing to say. Michelotto introduces himself, but he pronounces it more "Micheletto", which is weird, because I checked both IMDb and Wikipedia for the spelling, but whatevvver. Cesare orders him to dump the bodies in the Tiber and meet him at the Vatican gate in two hours to talk business. A show's just not a show if there's not bodies being dumped in the Tiber.

The Borgias Ep 1, The Poisoned Chalice - Recap

My suckling pig with rosemary ate my homework.

Title sequence. Sexy and bloody Renaissance paintings and frescoes intercut with sexy and bloody snippets from what I'm sure are only the first two or three episodes, all strung together in a melting-ink oil-and-water suggestion-of-blood sort of thing, while a bunch of Gregorians chant some dies iraes. If the Rome and True Blood title sequences had a baby and abandoned it in a dumpster, and if the baby was then found and raised by an Italian Philippa Gregory, this would be it.

Contextual title cards - what is interesting is that they are written in past tense, implying that everything we're watching has absolutely happened and there's nothing we can do about it. Rome 1492. The center of the Christian world. (Still, yes, but the Protestants won't admit it.) The seat of the papacy. (Still, obvs.) The Pope had the power to crown and un-crown kings. To change the course of empires. (Not anymore, which I guess is a good thing.) The Church was mired in corruption. (Still, but that's half the point of the Church, nay?) Pope Innocent VIII was dying (not anymore because he's dead), And the Papal throne was the prize desired by all. (Only slightly truer then than it is today.)

Papal bedroom, where a priest delivers the aforementioned Innocent a communion wafer. Can I just say, re-naming yourself Innocent is like trying to disguise a herpsore as a beauty mark - everyone knows what you've been up to. Jeremy Irons, here playing Cardinal Rodrigo Borgia, peeks his Keith Richards-esque face into the frame. "You are afraid to enter," croaks Innocent, "but you must. I am about to meet my maker." Rodrigo steps lively, followed by Cardinal Shortwhitebeard, Cardinal Angryeyes (who seems to be entering from the other side), Cardinal Blurryfacedextra, and others, as Innocent admits he is very afraid. Then he helpfully greets Cardinals Sforza (the aforementioned Angryeyes), Orsini (Shortwhitebeard), Borgia (got it, thanks), and Della Rovere (Colm Feore! I saw him play Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady once!). Innocent predicts the four in-focus actors will "fight like dogs", which I take to mean that they are the preferiti (can you believe I remembered that? I read Angels and Demons like six years ago!). Della Rovere crosses himself a propos of nothing, already setting himself up to be that fucking guy. "It was pure once," Innocent gasps, talking of the Papal throne. "We have all sullied it with our greed. Lechery." Our greed for titties. The present company looks a bit tactfully expressionless. "Which of you will WASH IT CLEEEAAANN?" Everyone's like PICK ME. Rodrigo pipes up, "It shall be cleansed, Your Holiness, with the tears we shed for you." Excellent, Mr. Borgia, ten points for Gryffindor. Della Rovere and Orsini have the visceral, panicky look of men who know they just lost a chance for self-promotion. (Or are about to turn into werewolves.) Orsini says something rude at Rodrigo's shoulder about him being a dirty Spic and a white Moore, or something, but Rodrigo tactfully ignores him and repeats, "As Vice Chancellor, I swear before the Living God." He kneels by Innocent's bedside, and all of a sudden everyone's jumping on the bandwagon, with their "And so do I's" and "Rest Assured's" and crowding the sickbed with their voluminous red robes, and Della Rovere's just standing there trying to decide between looking like a sycophant and looking like a surly rebel. So he opts for a third option: the one-up. "The glory of the Holy Mother Church will be restored, in my lifetime," he swears, kissing Innocent's hand and casting a wholly indiscreet glare at Rodrigo. As the camera pans away to show a lovely, detailed set, Innocent blesses the assembled group, and then one cardinal crosses himself, and then everyone else remembers that that's what they're supposed to do and they cross themselves as well, just like Christmas mass. Keep reading. There will be sex.

The Borgias Ep. 1+2 - Review

Jeremy Irons has got the conch.

Rome, 1492. Cardinal Rodrigo Borgia, played by Jeremy Irons, snatches the hilarious hat right off the head of the recently deceased Pope Innocent VIII through means of trickery and, word of the day, simony. SIMONY, I tell you! Between beating down his detractors, blocking punches from his ex-sort-of-wife Vanossa and sexing desperate fallen noblewomen, he survives an assassination attempt with the help of his son...

Cesare Borgia, played by the sexy sexy sexy sexy and FRENCH François Arnaud, is a very unwilling bishop who gets his kicks apathetically screwing prostitutes and trying not to think about screwing his pretty fourteen-year-old sister Lucrezia. Cesare Borgia, just like his historical counterpart, is also a fucking psycho, spending his pent-up aggression on masterfully assisting his father's nefarious plots, and by assisting I mean, of course, doing the whole god damn thing itself, for no other reason, it seems, other than that he simply must be doing something illegal at all times or his head will explode.

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