I wish I'd never seen Nelsan Ellis try to pull off a Fiona Shaw impression. This is mostly because Sam Trammel's Tommy impression set the bar higher than most commercial airliners fly and this Lafarnie bullshit is squatting on a powerline.
I wish the opening sequence was still relevant to the show. Remember those days? Those sweet good days?
I wish I hadn't seen Raelle Tucker's writing credit on this episode. Because the lesbo crush I had on her just disappeared.
(I actually kind of love the fact that Hoyt perhaps literally kicked the shit out of Jason.)
I wish to the Dear Lord above I had never heard Arlene speak the words "Zombies are the new vampires!" Because that makes NO FUGGING SENSE WHATSOEVER. HOLY SHIT. THE WHOLE POINT OF TRUE BLOOD IS THAT VAMPIRES ACTUALLY EXIST. They are not some fad phenomenon that could quite possibly be linked to the political climate. THEY EXIST AND THEY ARE SCARY AND ARLENE IS RACIST AGAINST THEM. NOTHING IS THE NEW VAMPIRES. VAMPIRES ARE THE NEW VAMPIRES. Holy shit. This is where things really start to get pukey.
I wish I'd never heard Jesus say the words "Vampires Suck". But I am happy I heard him say "You Can't Trade Magic Like Fucking Pokemon Cards."
I wish I had not seen Lafarnie stab and kill Jesus. But admittedly that is only because I do love Jesus.
I wish Emma had not misinterpreted Arlene's obvious question about her Halloween costume as a question about her species. Because Emma is not retarded and it is cruel to make her look retarded via ze shit writing.
WHY IS SCOTT FOLEY ON THIS SHOW? Because it's one thing when a former Grey's Anatomy guest star walks onto this show and becomes Franklin Mott. It's quite another thing when a Grey's Anatomy star that already makes me want to shoot things walks onto this show and becomes someone who makes me want to shoot things. Did we really need a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" storyline? I vote no.
But it's kind of cool that apparently Alcide and Sam are hanging out.
I wish Alcide had a better cell phone ring.
I wish I had not seen Strong Confident Angry Holly prance around in a strippertastic faerie costume.
I wish I had not seen Sookie pretend like she's been high before. That V-trip does not count.
I wish I had not seen that stupid steadicam shot that surprise-revealed Bill and Eric chained to a fucking stake like some sort of whacky smash-cut in a dismal Pirates of the Caribbean sequel. If this is going to become an odd-couple buddy comedy I would prefer some more advanced notice.
I wish I hadn't seen Holly surreptitiously lay down a salt circle without Lafarnie noticing. And I also wish I hadn't seen Bill do that thing where he notices and then quickly starts hurling dorky little whatsits at Lafarnie to keep her distracted.
I wish I never had to ever watch Lois Smith reach her hand into Lafayette's throat and yank out an Aunt Petunia like some shit rip-off of something from Ghostbusters, or Casper. I so dearly wish that this scene didn't look like they hauled Lois Smith out of a drunken stupor and propped her up long enough to puke out lines that were deemed too idiotic for The Young and The Restless.
I wish they didn't feel the need to plow Marnie's nerd angst into us like a semi with severed brake lines. Need I even utter at this point that WE GET IT?
And you know who else is in that graveyard!?!?!? CAROLINE AND THOMAS AND PROBABLY SARAH COMPTON. And you know what was the best scene last season and probably in the whole history of the show? THAT SCENE WITH CAROLINE AND THOMAS COMPTON. SO WHERE WERE THEY? IN AN EPISODE FULL OF AWFUL CORNINESS WHY WAS I DEPRIVED OF SUCH A WONDERFUL MOMENT OF CORNINESS?
I wish I never had to hear Tara wail "Bitch talk to me!" over Lafayette's unconscious body.
I wish I never had to hear Eric drawl "Excuse me... we're feeling a little crispy up here!"Because mostly what I'm mad about with this whole episode is that I've been waiting for a mass-resurrection since Maudette Pickens died and they treated it with all the grace and aplomb and production values of a MadTV sketch and it nearly drove me to tears. Angry tears.
I wish Rene's inevitable comback was somewhat less fucking brain dead. Even if the aforementioned "Ghosts of Terry's Past" turn out to be legit shit, there's no excuse for this.
I wish I never saw Jessica run around in a slutty Little Red Riding Hood outfit. Except what I mostly wish is that the Jason/Jessica thing had never happened. I mean, I don't know, maybe it could have been good, but it just turned such the utter opposite of good that I don't even know what a "good" handling of the Jason/Jessica thing would even look like. (And by "good" I mean "exciting", and by "opposite of good" I mean "so boring that I feel the need to fast forward through their scenes and I don't even like Jessica anymore and I NEVER thought there'd be ANYTHING that would make me not like Jessica".)
I wish I never saw a Jason/Jessica sex scene because it always makes me feel like I'm watching porn. In that there's always stupid music and I'm not invested in either of the characters or the relationship at large.
I can't even quantify how much I wish Pam had never turned into a one-dimentional curse-words-and-cliches vending machine. Pam is not the least bit awesome anymore. The minute you accept comfort from Ginger the Glamour Zombie is the minute you probably need to move to N'awlins and become a cage fighter.
I wish Lafayette had not stabbed Jesus because now we have to watch him being sad.
I am actually glad I get to see Eric and Bill going at Sookies wrists at the same time.
But I wish I didn't have to see that NOT result in a proper threesome.
Do I even need to go into detail about how much I desperately wish I never ever had to see this bullshit out-of-character poorly-written poorly-staged poorly-shot overlong fucking wreck of a pile of shit of a come-to-Jesus I-Choose-Myself rip-off? And how this might have been the ultimate dealbreaker of the episode? "Dealbreaker" as in I can't even muster up a decent amount of excitement for season 5? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD TAKE TO GET ME TO POSSIBLY WRITE OFF SEASON 5?
It's actually kind of cool that Jesus will be wandering in and out of the coming seasons in forest green scrubs.
I wish I never had to see a cutesy Holly/Andy scene immediately followed up with a pukingly cutesy Luna/Sam scene. What's that line of Luna's? "Don't jinx it. I just feel like if we are too cute and cheesy, that God is going to... drop a brick on our heads." Dingdingding, if "God" is Me and "Drop a brick on our heads" is "Possibly stop watching what used to be my absolute favourite part of summer."
I wish I never had to see a scene that was all about what Jason and Jessica "like" that lasted for more than 10 seconds.
While I couldn't be happier that Steve Newlin's back (mostly because I have a feeling that Anna Camp might be hot on his heels), I dearly wish there was just a tad more context and suspense surrounding his reappearance. Because, I'm sorry, as it is it looks like they only jammed him in there because test audiences were playing Russian Roulette out of sheer boredom.
Same as above, except replace Steve Newlin with Russell Edgington (and Anna Camp with that bitchin' crystal candy jar).
YO, WHAT IF IT WAS PAM WHO DUG HIM UP? Ok, that might be the motivation I need to tune in next season.
I wish I never had to hear Eric use the term "Gay Stormtroopers" because, while it was awesome, when combined with all the other vomitous self-referential horseshit in this episode, this was around the time I became convinced that the whole damn episode was written by the fans' twitter feeds.
I wish Nan didn't have to die. Because I loved her. That being said, Bill looked kinda hot while doing it. And at this point, I'll take what I can get.
I wish Brit Morgan would have gotten the slightly less shit-soaked end of the stick in this episode. That woman is a fantastic actress and a great human being and her exit was unceremonious and insulting.
And finally, I find it reprehensible that they killed Tara. Rutina Wesley was one of the greatest things about this show, in my humble opinion, and while she (like everyone else this season) was putridly wasted, her killing is almost so random that it looks like they fired her.
To be honest, she's always seemed kind of ditzy in her interviews, so it might just be that she's a total idiot savant acting-wise and they canned her out of sheer annoyance.
But still, no. No to all of it.
There's been something off this whole season. It feels like something's broken, either there's dissension in the writer's room or they hired stupidly incompetent directors or the fact that they're working entirely in LA now is seriously impeding their creativity or I don't even know what. That being said, google searches for "true blood crew shakeups" have yielded nothing, as have "true blood falling out" and "raelle tucker juicy tell-all". However, "alan ball nervous breakdown" steered me towards his 1993 play Five Women Wearing The Same Dress, which is an interesting read.
