The Borgias 2.4 - Stray Dogs

Go ahead.

Paint us.

We open very soon after where we've closed - indeed, I don't think anyone's even had a wardrobe change. Rodrigo, Cesare, and Victor/Victoria are all toasting their great plaster victory. The dynamic is kind of hilarious, vis-à-vis Victor/Victoria's vaginahood: Rodrigo doesn't know Cesare knows. Cesare doesn't know Rodrigo's tapped that. Victor/Victoria doesn't know how unlikely it is that she'll live out the season.

Here's another thing that's kind of queer: it seemed like nobody in the city knew about the plaster cannons, except for Cesare and Victor/Victoria. ...AND all the employees of all 20 or 30 foundries in Rome. HOW did this not get leaked?

Micheletto shows up, kind of killing the mood with his sociopathic ginger presence. He's clutching the general area around his heart, which could be a sign of grief, but it looks like he's just been stabbed and is being pretty casual about it. Cesare knows immediately that there's something terribly wrong, BUT WHAT? And then Micheletto reveals that the French rode in on the road through Ostia, right by the convent of St. Caecelia... DUN DUN DUN. Ride, Cesare, ride to your ladylove whom you abuse horrifically!

SMOKE ON THE HORIZON. OH HEEEEEEEELL NO.

Hey, it's just like the video for Andrew Lloyd Webber's Pie Jesu up in there. (Oh god, do yourself a favour and click the link. It's utter insanity.) A pair of Hungarian extras carry a limp Hungarian extra off camera through the smokey, plastery, claustrophobic set. Micheletto appears, carrying a torch, which looks so weird in this context. He leads Cesare through the rubbly hallways into that chapel, which is improbably unburnt, clear of ash. There, on the ceiling, is an absolutely (sort of unrealistically) exquisite depiction of Ursula Bonadeo in all her golden-haired Lucrezia-surrogate glory, lookin' all fine in a coral dress, plucking her lute strings (NOT a euphemism, although I have, coincidentally, used said euphemism before in these pages.)

But there on the floor, lying amongst her sisters (all of whom are bleeding gruesomely between their thighs, meaning that either these Vestal Virgins were all actually virgins, or the French were more brutal than we could have imagined), is Sister Martha in all her hack-haired missing-eared burnt-faced dead glory, lookin' all tragic in her ruined habit.

This is one of the reasons I'm not a huge fan of this episode, aside from the weird tonal problems (although the tone in this scene is definitely problematic). I didn't feel as though we were done with Cesare and Urusula yet. From where I was standing, it looked like they could have leeched that scenario for like another season at LEAST. I'm pretty disappointed that she died; I feel like there were so many other ways they could have hit their character goals for Cesare this episode. Like, rape is enough. Rape is that horrible. Also, I take issue with Cesare's reaction upon finding her body. I get that we're going with this whole stone-cold killer thing, but his monotone ire was not only disappointing, it was boring. Direction mistake?

Anyway. We get to the meat-and-potates of Cesare's episode arc. With much purpose to his voice, Cesare reminds Micheletto that he was a "stray dog" when Cesare found him working for Orsino Orsini (ha! remember that idiot?); might there be more stray dogs available for the adoption in Rome? Well, Rome has historically had a bit of a stray dog problem, in more ways than one. Should be no trouble at all.

Cesare's curly wig goes in many directions when he walks against the wind. It's epic.

Rodrigo and Ascanio Sforza are eating... nuts? looks like nuts (not each other's) when Cesare walks in. Ascanio sardonically congratulates Cesare on his Beautiful Deception. Cesare glares at Rodrigo for spilling the already quite liberally scattered beans. Rodrigo shrugs, as if to say "Hey, you never made me pinky swear." Schemin' ensues. Turns out Cardinal Sforza's urine-happy cousin Ludovico (il Moro, remember him?) is on his way to Rome, bringing offers from the Doge of Venice and the Duke of Mantua (R+J Act V scene i, what UP) to help rid Italy of this Egyptian plague. Frogs. Get it? Cesare's like, "Forgive me for remembering, but A, this is the same pisser (hahaha I kill myself) who let them through the front door in the first place, and B, seriously, fuck the Sforza's, I'm so fucking done with the Sforzas, you, and your pisser cousin up north, and that horrid jerk Catarina, and let's not forget that slug who raped my beloved sister, and also your bowlcut. All of that can just go to hell, plz thx." And Ascanio's just like, preach.

Ludovico Sforza rides into the city through cheering crowds, tailed by a goatee guy  and a very pretty brunette. 'Bout time we got some brunette sisters back in the cast, since Vanossa went all auburn on us and Sancia just effing disappeared. I took issue with the Roman commoners for cheering too loudly at Juan's going away party, but it looks like they'll take literally any excuse to put their hands in the air and shout.

Micheletto leans against a pillar, watching the spectacle go by. After they pass, he turns and strides purposefully down the walkway. Every few feet, he comes upon a similarly scraggly-haired guy wearing clothes that look like they were just cut from a corpse that had been dead for a week; he prods these men in the back, and they immediately drop whatever they're doing and fall into step behind him. Eventually, they're just this phalanx of badassery, swaggering through the streets in terrifying formation. These, I presume, are our Stray Dogs.

What made this scene really epic upon first viewing was the close resemblance between one of the Dogs and Carbo, the Gallic gang leader in Rome. But IMDb says no. Whatever. Until he's assigned a first name, he's Carbo.

Micheletto leads the Dogs into some queer little abandoned workroom. Just as they're starting to get inquisitive, Cesare strides out of the shadows in a cape: "I have been told by my friend Micheletto that you know each other well enough to happily hate each other." "Well, I definitely hate you, Battista," chuckles a male pattern balding guy to Carbo, who I guess is named Battista. That nickname didn't last long. Battista hurls back, "You piece of piss, Orsini. As a Colonna I despise you AND your sorry dick." Ok, from now on that's my go-to outburst. Not that I want it to be - I mean, I like my job - but sometimes you just hear something so rhythmic that it lodges itself in your vocabulary, right there, right at the surface, ready for the moment when the accountant asks you to redo her binder tabs for the third time.

Anyway, Cesare bets that everyone hates the French more than each other. He'd be right, because apparently the Stray Dogs are also all scions of the great Roman families. While Chezzie concedes that they can't defeat them in the field - "My brother already tried that, and he's an idiot" - what they can do is have themselves "a bit of sport". Now Cesare's getting a little crazy-eyed, a little shiny-eyed, a little Professor Quirrell, and I have a feeling that this is the debut of the crazyeyes he'll be sporting for the rest of the series. It's pretty great, even with his twee little curls framing his face just so.

On the other hand, a wig would be way more consistent than Cesare's hair has been so far this season - holy shit, is that his real hair? No. I choose not to believe such a thing.

Vatican. Ludovico, Goatee guy and pretty Brunette are hanging in the lobby with Ascanio Sforza, schemin'. "But can he be tempted into battle?" says the Goatee guy nervously. "He can be tempted by anything," says Sforza in kind of a flip Rupert Everett-style under-the-breath sneer.

Cardinal Sforza leads the three into the receiving chamber and presents Ludovico, who kisses Rodrigo's ring and introduces his two companions - the Francesco Gonzaga, Duke of Mantua (SOJOURN IN MANTUA), and the Duchessa, Lady Bianca. And then, the editor goes nuts, just starts splicing in a bunch of soft-core porn footage, throwing Rodrigo into a horny tailspin. Actually, Bianca is Wet-Tits from episode one! Thank god for that flashback - No offense to the actress, she's a very beautiful girl, but she has a very vague face. Rodrigo holds out his ring, looking like the Ghost of Christmas Future. She kisses it. Rodrigo is not a subtle man, and this is the least subtle he's been in his life.

Enter Cesare, whose eyes have not calmed down. He's ready for a fight, and he gets it as soon as Ludovico opens his mouth:

Ludovico: We all have something in common today.

Cesare: And what is that? Suspicion? Of each other? Or is it hatred?

Ludovico: If the Cardinal would let me finish...

Cesare: If the Cardinal could see how hatred would turn to love.

And then he performs several pelvic thrusts in the Dukes' direction while screaming "SUCK IT" over and over again.

Ludovico's finally realized that the French, who were so eager to slice the Papal armies in half, might not be so kind to the Italian cities on his way back up the boot. "So why did you welcome them in!?" spits Cesare. Ludovico ignores him and lists the noblemen who have pledged their armies to the coalition. Rodrigo just stares at Bianca, who is currently clad in probably my favourite wardrobe of the season. She's got this tiara that's like BLAM, and these earrings that are like ba-DANG, and this necklace that's like OH SWEET JESUS YES. As for the Dukes, their main reason for sending their best young men to die in battle is "One Word: HONOUR."

As you can imagine, Cesare LOVES that. Cesare, who's probably got a better understanding of the twin natures of honour and dishonour than anyone in Christendom, is just so impressed by Sforza the Pisser's sudden adherence to the notion of Honour that he can't even stand it. When they're alone, and Cesare's changed out of his red dress, Rodrigo muses that it's probably got something to do with Honour's cousin, Valour. "Honour has many cousins." "Like Cardinal Sforza," Cesare quips. "And they've all led kings and armies to their doom," Rodrigo truths. While it's true that this is not my favourite episode by any means, it's definitely the most quotable of the season. 

Rodrigo things they should go for the deal; in the end, he points out, it's of no real benefit to them if Milan and Mantua commit military suicide against the French, because they might need Milan. Huh. Wise. Even Cesare seems to agree.

The Stray Dogs are swaggering through the stables, apparently lost. Micheletto jumps out from behind a niche and pins one of them up against the wall, berating them for being really noisy motherfuckers. Then Cesare pipes up and beckons them into an armoury. Their target, he says, is the French scouts. He starts passing out weapons: a light crossbow, a Spanish garotte (of which we've seen plenty), a Trident (a spring-loaded Swiss Army knife-style three-pronged monstrosity), and a Paso Doble (an short-handled pike thing, clearly designed to rip out ze guts, with a handle that doubles as a sheathed dagger). Micheletto picks out something he calls a "Raven's Beak", which is like a stiletto knife crossed with a battle-hatchet, and drives it into the tabletop. Cesare sneers that the going plan is a battle governed by honour. "Let us show them another way."

This scene was fucking rad.

Rodrigo's getting sewn into an epic red poncho while Giulia Farnese cooks the books. She's a little inquisitive about his motives for marching off to war. "I know you, Holy Father," she purrs, sidling up to him. He jams his face into hers. She evades. "And know you always have many ends in view." Rodrigo's like, mayyyyyyybe. Giulia gets her schemin' face on (on Lotte Verbeek, schemin' looks like it was painted by Leonardo Da Vinci) and requests a little more thrust in her investigation. "You found more irregularities?" asks Rodrigo, surprised for some reason. "There are so many, Holy Father," Giulia sighs wistfully, "in this Vatican of yours..." For a moment, Rodrigo looks like he's going to protest with something really fucking quotable, but then he just shrugs and agrees. It's funny.

The Stray Dogs (and a few Dogettes) have set themselves a feast in a small town square. Cesare shows up and hustles them out of sight; they regretfully rise from the table and drag their ladies away. Sure enough, not a moment later a bunch of froggy scouts bust through a fence into the now-deserted square. One of the scouts lifts a white shawl from the ground; the Dogs have dressed it like a hastily-abandoned wedding party! "No bride, no bridesmaids..." laments one of the scouts. "NO NUNS!" whoops another, in a "Good Times, Eh?" sort of vibe. Ew. "They have heard about the size of your dick," says a bald one. Mad respect to whomever wrote this episode, but WHAT is with the amount of "dicks"? "Cock" would sound much more historically accurate, I think. But what do I know. I am an ignorant layperson.

If they cannot rape a wedding party, the scouts are determined to rape a wedding feast, which they do, with gusto. (Ugh, that sounds like I mean to say they fucked the food. That wasn't my intention. Eh. Serves me right for using "rape" so flippantly.) Anyway, on Cesare's signal (Cesare, by the way, is wearing a silly mask [Il Capitano?], and is the only one who is doing so) the Stray Dogs burst out of hiding and employ their delicious weaponry, killing a few until Cesare orders restraint. "These men have a tale to tell."

Giulia Farnese leads Lucrezia into the ruined bathhouse that Victor/Victoria showed her back in "Paolo". The camera work is really interesting here - it's the first time I feel the show has really taken pride in their set design. It's an unbroken shot, darting almost at random through the space, showing us the scattered urchins crouching in various alcoves. Giulia unleashes a few bummers: the orphanage in Piazza Navona is now a Cardinal's palace, the spring that used to feed the baths got diverted to feed probably one dude's sorry bath. Giulia's proposal: "I would use my wit, and yours, to outwit those who would divert funds and water from poorhouse to palaces." Lucrezia is really enthusiastic at the prospect of showing up a bunch of dirty cardinals (she got a taste of it last season when she trounced Della Rovere). And the kicker: Giulia wants to get Vanossa on board. Lucrezia's understandably shocked and amused, but Giulia's like, remember what I told you last season, about how it's ridiculous for women to hate each other? Anyway, what with the whole Victor/Victoria fun trinity times, Giulia's grown up kind of a lot. She's pretty amazing right now. BUT WILL IT LAST.

Oh for the love of God, these women are too beautiful. Vanossa is full of confused angst. But Lucrezia and Giulia are sensitive, and keep it all-business, and after taking a few moments to collect herself, Vanossa jumps on board. "If you would catch a Cardinal or two," she instructs, "you would do well to ask one who was a courtesan. However distasteful this may sound to you, my daughter, and to you, La Bella Farnese, you will have to acquaint yourselves with the brothels of Rome." Giulia and Lucrezia are just like, waaaaaait, this sounds like it's going to be awesome. I love how this season is all about Rodrigo's women getting down and dirty. It's thrilling.

Cesare and Micheletto enter the most fucked-up set so far. You know that scene in Titanic where the deck is tilting and everyone's just hanging off shit? It's like that. Each scout is strapped to something, looking various levels of dead. Cesare waves around a pennant he found in the nunnery and asks whose it is. It's theirs, obvs, but he knew that already. "Do you know where it was found?" he snarls at one scout whose head is clamped in an iron circle lined with spikes. Micheletto slowly turns a tightening screw. Blood begins to drip down his face, like a fucked up Jesus in a Good Friday play. "I cannot speak, my lord," he pleads. Michelotto releases the screw. Cesare lifts the scout's necklace. "And these ears cannot hear," he intones, because the necklace is hung with HUMAN EARS. Fuck me. "You collect them as trophies, you sick fuck." (I may have added that last bit.) The scout pleads for a quick death; Cesare scoffs, "Who speaks of dying? My associate is a master; he can keep you alive for weeks! In a universe of pain!" Case in point: Micheletto strides up to another scout, strapped to a wheel, and gives him a purple nurple with  pair of pliers. The scouts toss around blame for a while until finally, the wheel guy squeals: "Giovanni! ...The Lord Sforza."

I think at this point, that was almost good news for Cesare. He thrives off hate. He didn't always, but he does now, and bravo to the writers and to François Arnaud for making that transition gracefully. Learning that it was Giovanni Sforza who facilitated the devastation at St. Caecelia's, well, that's just hate compounding hate. 

A surge of fire. It's almost beautiful to watch. Now that Cesare's got what he wants, it's back to business: "The truth, then, on troop movements, booty, cannon, may yet set you free."

Rodrigo/Cesare father/son time! Rodrigo's starting to hear rumours about his "dark son" - "Would you keep secrets from us?" Cesare's like, do bears shit in the woods? "You're a cleric, not a soldier." Cesare's like, oh great, that line. But Rodrigo's point is not to preach; it's to teach. "Vengeance should never be seen as that. It should always be unexpected, and it should rarely be public. And the one salient point is this, vengeance is patient. It can wait a lifetime if necessary, because it never dies." So it's decided: Cesare will accompany Rodrigo to war, to see what he means. He's also gotta drag Cardinal Sforza along - can't trust him with the Vatican, because you know very well why. "We thought we would leave them in the safe hands of that one blessed person in whom we can utterly, utterly place our trust."

Cesare strides into the Cardinals' chambers to greet this blessed person. And there is Lucrezia, getting cozy in Rodrigo's chair, smoothing her pretty tangerine dress over her knees, looking suuuuper proud of herself. Cesare crows with delight and takes a knee in front of her. "Show me your hands, Cesare," she commands. "Is it true what I have heard, that they are stained with blood?" And without another word, she kisses them, strokes them over her face. She's sick. I love it. But she's worried about her big bro: "I see before me a lost sheep." "Utterly lost, my love," Cesare smiles, and he kisses her ring as the rest of the Cardinals file in. "You may sit, Cardinals," she calls.

Rodrigo rushes in, apologizing for having to rush out. He explains that he's signed a bull putting Lucrezia in charge. "Are there any questions?" Cardinal Vesucci stands. "Can a woman, your Holiness, occupy the chair of St. Peter's?" "Well," Rodrigo scoffs, "plainly one does." He spits a bit of Latin and scrams, leaving the Cardinals to cross themselves bewilderedly.

The bald scout is hanging by his wrists from the ceiling (I believe Argus Filch preferred similar methods), and the way his body is swaying, combined with the wound at his side that I REALLY don't believe is coincidental, is making him look SUPER Jesusy. The crown-of-iron-spikes guy is ready to talk: the gunpowder, apparently, travels in the kitchen wagon, disguised as barrels of food. "Release him," says Cesare to Micheletto, and exits.

Then Micheletto walks up to the ruined man and, as gently as he would treat a lover, cradles the back of his neck, pulls himself close, and slides a knife into his gut with the utmost reverence. The camera focuses on Micheletto's tragically awestruck face, so we don't see the wound; we only hear the almost melodious song that is the zing of the metal, the wetness of the flesh, and the man's last shuddering breaths. It's sublime. The scoring, too, is wonderful, a surreal chord that sounds like the song of the Angel of Death. It's the sound that plays in Micheletto's head when he tries to sleep at night.

Rodrigo rides through the streets of Rome in the 15th-centry's answer to the Popemobile, throwing out In nome de patris as he goes to the kneeling commoners. "Have you heard, he's left his daughter in charge of St. Peter's?" says our dear, dear Dellaro in what will be his only line this episode. Brother Giuliano is horrified. He decides right then and there to rush into the arms of his dear Savonarola. "Surely this man cannot be allowed to live," he declares unironically.

Hilarious comedy music plays while four kitchen staffers shuffle awkwardly into the Cardinals' chambers, carrying between them a covered table. I should mention that from here on in, this is all an unbroken shot, and it is fucking epic. Eat your heart out, Joe Wright. "We would give the consistory a lesson in cookery," says Lucrezia, whipping the cover off with a flourish and tying it around herself like an apron, for that is what it is. "Cooking!? Women's work!? This is HIGHLY UNORTHODOX," they rabble. She scoops some flour into a sieve and shakes it into a bowl. "The good flower emerges; the chaff remains," she instructs, holding out the sieve for the Cardinals to see. Lucrezia continues in this vein for a while until one of the Cardinals (Piccolomini? Colonna?) asks, "Is there perhaps a metaphor?" Lucrezia proposes that the Curia acts as a sieve, extracting the good stuff - "And what is left for the poor? The needy? ...THE CHAFF," she snaps, dumping said chaff over a crazy-looking cardinal's lap. Everyone rabbles a bit, and I swear to god someone even says "Sweetie" in a super condescending way. Lucrezia swaggers back to the table and picks up a beautiful brass pitcher. "And what element do we lack to make this cake?" With a violent thrust, she tips the pitcher over Piccolomini's/Colonna's head while he spazzes hilariously; and yet, it is empty! Hahaha! (I bet the director led him to believe it was full. Directors can get away with that shit.) "Water," she announces, while everyone looks super cowed.

Next thing you know, Water! Lovely spring water comes streaming into the bathhouse. The sweet little orphans go nuts splashing around in it.

Rodrigo and Ascanio are riding the Popemobile over a plane when the horde halts; apparently Chuzzie is waiting for a private audience with Rodrigo in a church nearby. Wait, facing off against the Pope in a church? Way to stack the deck against yourself. I get that churches are safe spaces, but, I mean, the Pope is his own confessor!

By the time the get to the church, it's dusk - very atmospheric. Chuzzie is slumped over a table in front of the altar. "We are ill, your Holinaisse. This battle may be our last." Chuzzie wants to negotiate himself out of the battle - what's interesting is the writers and Michel Muller totally let us think that Chuzzie wants out of the battle purely on moral/exhaustion grounds. Like, usually when a character is running scared, they make him/her a panting gibbering mess, but they let Chuzzie keep his composure. It actually took a second viewing for me to clue into the fact that Chuzzie KNEW he was facing down everyone's and their brother's army (or should that be, everyone's and their cousin's?)... Lucca, this is not. You know what happened in Lucca. That's not what would be happening here. Rodrigo suggests a small gesture of good faith, i.e. giving back all the shit he stole, and maybe not sealing all their shit again. "With all due respect, your Holinaisse, we have been fooled by you before," he replies, and then launches into an epic battle threat that is so desperate and meaningless, the composer doesn't even bother laying in some epic timpani.

But there is an epic thunder clap.

"We hear you," says Rodrigo, and rises to leave. "Ah, listen-- is that the sound of rain? Can even the King of France light his cannon in the rain?"

"You think we do not know how to keep powder dry?" scoffs Chuzzie.

"Do you think the lord God doesn't know how to make rain?" says Rodrigo, and swirls out of there.

Strategy session! Gonzaga (Mr. Mantua) points out their higher-ground advantage. (Ah, yes, but Brutus had the higher ground at Philippi, did he not?) Rodrigo enters in his epic red cloak, which looks amazing, and points out grouchily that the rain stopped. "Armies can fight in the rain," says Gonzaga like he's speaking to a two-year old. This idiot doesn't fear the French cannon either. Massive eye-rolls from Chezz and Rodrigo. Rodrigo relays Chuzzie's threat; Gonzaga is not super impressed with the promise of carnage, and requests (actually kind of demands) that Rodrigo bless the armies, give the soldiers their last rites just in case, and take what may very well be his last confession.

"I have bloodied my hands in battle. I have killed. I have sent countless men to their doom, and I pray that God sees the justice of our cause and forgives me for our sins." Rodrigo asks him to defend the "justice" part; Gonzaga cites "Honour" and "Valour" as his goals. Rodrigo manages not to facepalm. "You pledge your arms to the service of God and his Vicar on earth?" "I do, your Holiness." And do you promise to fight in his name and his name alone?" Ditto.

And then he asks, "Do you pledge the spoils of battle entirely to his Holy Mother Church?" Gonzaga just sits there with an Oh Shit face. Rodrigo leans in close and whispers, "God's blessing comes with a price." HAHAHAHAHAHA I love Rodrigo. "I do, your Holiness," says Gonzaga - his face, it's like he's passing a pineapple through his rectum. High five, Rodrigo. High fucking five.

Aw sweet, he lugged the Carmen Miranda crown all the way from Rome! Rodrigo marches down the line of troops, dropping In nome de Patris as he goes. The cohorts drop to their knees as he passes. It's really cool, really rhythmic. Cesare whips holy water at them like a monkey flinging poo. But what about the poor fucks in the back who don't get any holy water? That's not fair.

That night, Duchessa Bianca Wet-tits receives Rodrigo, Cesare, and Ascanio Sforza in her palace. Rodrigo takes her arm and accompanies her up the stairs. They flirt like two sexually repressed teenagers. "When you... gave me your blessing, I had not yet met my husband," says Bianca, somewhat sheepishly. But then she pulls that little pendant Rodrigo have her from her bazooms: "I have not yet forgotten those times."  Turns out it's a vial of perfume; she dabs some behind her ears.

Later, Rodrigo prays over dinner, adding at the end a plea for rain. "Is my husband's survival dependent on rain?" asks Bianca as she tucks in. Turns out Gonzaga is one of those douchebags who views battle as an art, and cannon as a vulgarity. See, I know I made that Obi Wan Kenobi joke before, but the thing is, lightsabers are actually effective against blasters. I mean, these stupid Italians were bewildered by Chuzzie's pikes, for God's sake.

Rodrigo - again barefoot - sneaks through the palace. Cesare - again in his silly Il Capitano mask - lurks in a corner, waits for him to pass, and then sneaks out. I really wish they'd included the scene where he shows up in a mask and the rest of the Stray Dogs are like, "Oh shit, you were serious about masks?" and Cesare's like, "You mean I'm the only one wearing a mask? You guys are dicks." And they're like "You don't HAVE  to wear a mask, dude," and Cesare's like "I'm CESARE BORGIA. I'm kind of a big deal." And they're like, "Then just change your wig. Easy fix. There's no such thing as paparazzi."

The Stray Dogs ride out, black against a blue sky, epic as you please.

Rodrigo is praying over a bejeweled rosary when Bianca slips in, apologizes for interrupting, and then proceeds to not leave. "No, you cannot," says Rodrigo, all panicked. Because he's the Pope, and thus the guardian of morality. Or? "You have a husband," he insists. "And you have a mistress," she truths. Apparently, it's the fact that her husband might die tomorrow that's getting Rodrigo angsty. But Bianca claims she has "unfinished business" with the Holy Father, and goes about the business of revealing her formerly wet tits. "So let me pray with you, for rain," she purrs as they mack.

The French are all Hon Hon Hon in their camp. Those fools. The Dogs approach from under a tunnel. "Oy," says one, and when his target frog turns to look, he blows a dart in his neck. Lol!

Darn. This sexy, sexy scene is interspersed with a boring-as-hell Bianca/Rodrigo sex scene. Ugh. Moving on.

(Though I will mention the part where Bianca takes his crucifix in her fingers and sucks on it. That part I will mention.)

(I also may mention the part where he sucks a nipple. That must have been a fun day of shooting.)

Anyway, the Stray Dogs carnage the fuck out of the camp. Michelotto takes a barrel of gunpowder and draws a trail to the fake kitchen wagons. Cesare lights it. KABOOM, MOTHERFUCKERS! Cesare raises his mask and smirks. Like a bawsse.

Rodrigo and Bianca mistake the KABOOM for thunder. "And after thunder comes..." "The deluge," giggles Bianca. Close!

Apparently, by the time the lovebirds rouse themselves from their sex coma, the battle is supposed to have been well underway. Way to be concerned, you horny little imps. Rodrigo realizes there's no sound of French Cannon; he leaps from the bed and throws open the windows, letting the light blast right through his billowy nighty. Ever wondered what Jeremy Irons' ass looks like? Or just how decrepit and skinny he could be?

Later, he throws on his red battle cloak and walks through the field of dead. He looks mildly put off by the devastating loss of human life. Gonzaga the Cuckhold is lying across a medic's table, a giant wood splinter sticking greusomely out of his side. "SO MANY DEAD," he calls, still super jazzed from the fight. "SO MUCH GLORY." Fuckin idiot. The medic yanks out the wood. I hope that hurt, you ideological numbskull. "These words, your Holiness, is proof that Valour lives still!" Rodrigo goes, "Mmm, yeah, and Honour, no doubt." Rodrigo's great this episode. He gives props to God, for the rain, proceeded by what he'd assumed was thunder, but Gonzaga corrects him - "The French munitions were destroyed, by some brave Roman souls... I mean, I am now in the eternal debt of Rome, and I pledge all booty from this field of battle to our Holy Mother Church." Rodrigo goes Hm, Cesare? while a bunch of ant-sized frog soldiers flee up the hill behind him.

The Neapolitan physician administers an elixir to Chuzzie, who is in a serious funk. He asks whether the physician carries around any poisons - "'Alf my army is dead, and they cry out for me to join them." He knocks back his meds and then bellows in pain and rage - it's terrifying, but unfortunately it's also hilarious. (Or fortunately... do you think the director and Michel Muller know that Chuzzie is hilarious?)

Cesare swans nonchalantly into Rodrigo's tent. Rodrigo asks, rhetorically I'm sure, if Cesare has anything to confess about the previous night. Cesare acts all innocent. "My night was satisfactory, as I'm sure was yours!" Lol. "I slept the sleep of the good and the just... as I hope you did, Holy Father."

Credits!

Sad. In an episode full of the most quotable lines on celluloid, it ends on a "meh" line? But it's fine... the episode yielded the Stray Dogs, which is awesome possum orange blossom.