Scene 1:
Hannah and Adam fuck. Hannah is once again having sex like the good little bewildered feminist that she is: "I like everything that you're doing." "It seems like you want to cum on my tits, so you should cum on my tits." "That was really good. That was so good. I almost came."
As for Adam... remember when Marnie called him That Animal? Citation: "I knew when I found you [on the street, at age 11] that you liked it this way. You're a dirty little whore and I'm going to send you home to your parents covered in my cum."
Hannah: "No, don't do that, they're going to be so angry."
Ah, but who could blame her. Sometimes it's just easier to let the men have their way. 100% chance of success for one of you, it'll be over quicker, and you'll still get some cardio out of it.
Charlie and Marnie fuck.
Well, this is something we don't see enough of on TV: bored sex. Or should I say, bored/annoyed sex. Hm, why is it that all the sex on TV (present show excluded) is either happy funtimes sex or rapey horribletimes sex? I feel like MOST real-life sex is bored mehtimes sex. Maybe people assume that bored sex on film has to be boring. Well, Queen Lena disagrees, you fools!
Charlie lays a bunch of Gomez Adams kisses down Marnie's arm. He's having just the best time. Marnie is the definition of not even trying. Eventually she suggests turning around. More like demands. "But you hate doggy!" Eugh, speaking for myself, I LOATHE the phrase "doggy style". It's not cute. It makes me think of wet dog smell. Marnie brushes him off. "You said it makes you feel like a piggy bank!" "I said it makes me look like a piggy bank," she snaps.
But Charlie just... well, Charlie's a guy. "Jesus this feels so good! Oh my god! Oh my god!"
There's nothing worse than someone being affectionate when you don't feel a reciprocal urge. It's like a clingy best friend. It's like an overbearing mother. That being said, there's pretty much no way you could ever express such a sentiment without sounding like a horrible person - just the worst person ever - so Marnie wisely keeps her mouth shut.
Scene 3:
Shoshanna's $2100 bachelorette pad. Jessa's listening to French whatever on her bigass noise cancelling headphones. Shoshanna's listening to Kelly Clarkson on her speakers. It's a weird double-decker matrix of sound.
Shoshanna is making a manifestation board, a collage to provide drive and inspiration. Hey, Caroline from 2 Broke Girls shares that hobby!
"Can I make one?" says Jessa. Shoshanna nearly wets her pants with amazement that she suggested something Jessa finds cool. "We should make one together!" "No, I want to make my own," says Jessa bluntly. Shoshanna gets it together pretty quick: "You totally should. That's better."
Scene 4:
Hannah's on her way out of Adam's house, double checking that she's got all her personal effects on her. "Spectacles, testicles, wallet, --" "GOODBYE!" hollers Adam from the bed. Charming. Also, apparently he has no memory of the hooker fantasy from the night before. So, what, is that sort of filth just a nervous tick? Just a natural little quirk? Chaaarming.
Then he and Hannah have a little mini exchange on the subject of abortions, for Jessa has one scheduled for today. "That's kind of a heavy fucking situation," says Adam, suddenly alert and engaged. Hannah has a more practical perspective; she admits she has "very little sympathy for people who don't use condoms."
So Adam decides to ruin her day by proclaiming, "Girls never ask me to use condoms."
So what's that, a one-two-three-four punch of ruining Hannah's day? "I have multiple partners, while you have only me. I never use condoms. I clearly didn't include you in my rundown of all my sexual partners, which could mean that I don't value you as much as I value them. I might have gone in unsheathed without you knowing, just like in Knocked Up."
I'm not sure which of the above Bad Things Hannah decides to focus on, but Adam actually reveals his humanity when he realizes she might be freaking out. And he's actually really cute and charming as he tries to comfort her, which I hate, because I can practically hear Hannah falling for it.
Scene 5:
Marnie and Charlie are having one of those weird amorphous arguments wherein Charlie's trying to figure out why Marnie seems two seconds from punching a wall at all times, and Marnie is spouting what seems (to Charlie's ears) like gibberish. "You should be able to go about your business, piss me off, and not give a fuck! That's what men do!"
Oh, poor Charlie. Marnie sounds like she's being unreasonable, but what I'm hearing is that she's feeling smothered by Charlie's attentions and she wishes he could be as self-sufficient as she is right now. She wants him to back off. And she's sort of communicating that, but he's jumping immediately to the "nice guys finish last" bullshit, the "friendzoned" anxiety. "You want me to be one of those guys who's like, 'Fuckin suck it and then fuckin lay down and take a nap. You want these fucking nuts in your mouth'."
Then again, Marnie is basically asking him to just hang out until she feels like being a good girlfriend, so that's pretty selfish. She's stonewalling him because she doesn't want to break up with him, but she knows deep down that any impartial observer would tell her to break the fuck up with him. She's being genuine about what she wants - she wants Charlie to be independently happy - but from a guy's perspective, that sounds like a total set-up. I.e., "That was a test, you idiot."
Anyway, this exchange also happens:
Marnie: Have you seen your nuts? Ew.
Charlie: Like I know you're joking, but that's not funny, to be like "Ew".
(Poor, poor Charlie. She's not joking. No girl who ever makes fun of her boyfriend's balls is ever joking. Balls are gross.)
Charlie leaves as Hannah gets home, just in time to bear the brunt of Charlie's nice-guys-finish-last rage. "Ladies. I mean sluts. [To Hannah] You're a slut." Given the night she's had, Hannah pouts for a few minutes before Marnie calms her down.
We already know that Hannah is at her smartest when she's giving Marnie advice - "You are a 23 year old girl who's had the same boyfriend for four years, so, you're allowed to be bored." Marnie scolds her in turn for letting That Animal ladle on the abusive rhetoric, or as Hannah puts it, "Hooker stuff, daddy stuff, a combina- a platter of stuff." Marnie replies, "Adam can not do that to you. He's not allowed. He's not your boyfriend."
Oh, poor Hannah. I think she feels guilty that his dirty talk doesn't bother her more. And Marnie's straight-talking, while (I think) necessary, is hurting her. And there's always this lingering thing of, "It's easy for those of us who have boyfriends." And even that is ringing hollow these days because Marnie is unhappy in her relationship... Hannah even said it in the first episode, how can Marnie be unhappy when she's loved that much?
Scene 6:
Hannnah googles "Diseases from no condom for one second." Checks herself. Then, "Stuff that gets up around the side of condoms."
Grrrrrl, that is NOT how you look at your vagina. You're supposed to use a hand mirror.
Scene 7:
Previously unknown fact: Marnie works at a posh art gallery. Hannah calls her and asks her to book her an STD appointment concurrent to Jessa's abortion. Marnie is absolutely her mom. Hannah's made a commitment to be more responsible, despite only having had sex with "2 1/2 men."
Meanwhile, Hannah's attiring herself in an outfit that is SO MUCH WORSE than the pretty 50s dress she was wearing the night before. Pink and blue plaid shirt, shapeless brown pencil skirt, grey tights. And it hurts all the more because I've probably done worse.
Scene 8:
Shosh, Jessa and Hannah eat fro-yo. Hannah's airing Adam grievances: "He disappears for two weeks and doesn't send me any text messages and I feel like I invented him."
So Shoshanna excitedly extracts a self-help book entitled Listen ladies: a tough love approach to the tough game of love, which lists such worldly nuggets as:
"If a man doesn't take you on a date, he's not interested. Point blank."
"Sex from behind is degrading. Point blank. You deserve someone who wants to look on your beautiful face, ladies."
Jessa takes serious issue, not with the author's egregious misuse of the phrase "point-blank", but at someone's (Shoshanna's? The Author's?) callous inclusion of Jessa in the amorphous "Ladies".
Is sex from behind degrading? Daenerys Targaryen would have me think so. Is that the B-plot of this episode?
Scene 9:
Jessa is fucking angry about the book, hurling all sorts of vitriol Hannah's way, closing with the imminently quotable line: "If I wanted to go on some dates, I would. But I don't. Because they're for lesbians."
Hannah quizzes her on what emotion she's feeling that's causing her to be such a bitch, earning her a spiteful "I am not a character from one of your novels. Stop grilling me so hard."
"Ok," says Hannah, glumly affronted. "Also I write essays so..."
Anyway, here begins this episode's excellent treatment of the question of motherhood in an abortion scenario. Envisioning an opponent that doesn't exist, Jessa loudly defends her future motherhood skills to Hannah, who can only meekly agree. And then she closes the whole rant with this little nugget: "Also I want to have children with many different men of different races!"
People like Jessa are like a downward spiral of figuring out the problem. She's being awful. But she's going through this crisis. But she got herself into this crisis. But she's got these issues. But I have issues too, and I'm not awful. And then, when you're on the verge of an epiphany ("I have to get this awful person out of my life"), suddenly she does something amazing and you forget the awfulness. I'm sure Hannah's been through that vicious circle hundreds of times, but she's an optimist when it comes to people, so she's more often on the "she's amazing" side than the "she's awful" side. Marnie, however, is generally pessimistic towards people, and I'm pretty sure Hannah's the only glue holding Jessa and Marnie together. So Marnie generally considers Jessa a friend, meaning she'll do shit for her, but she's more often stuck on the "she's awful" part of the cycle, which makes it all the worse when Jessa acts like Jessa and throws it in her face. Sucks to be Marnie!
All that said, I think it's so great that Lena Dunham is discussing childbearing from a young adult's perspective. It's a really important question that doesn't get discussed enough. And usually when it is discussed, it's always tied to a significant other, like "I really want kids with that guy" rather than "I want kids in general". Or, "I'm a strong, confident woman who don't need no offspring," even though the two rarely go hand-in-hand. I'm just saying, a lot of young women start to ponder motherhood a lot sooner than most popular media would have us believe. Now, I know it's generally not good TV to see a bunch of twentysomethings hanging out discussing motherhood when the alternative is heavy fornication and drug use, but I'm just saying, the two aren't mutually exclusive. Queen Lena knows.
Scene 10:
That already-infamous Hannah Fucks Up A Sure Thing scene. Friendliest job interview banter ever. They like the same bar. They agree on the following statement: "I like a bar where the average patron could be described as 'crotchety'."
And then... date rape joke.
"Maybe you're not used to office environments like this, but jokes about rape, or race or incest, it's not 'office okay'."
That's just Hannah's Gen Y "anything for a joke" thing coming out. Also, her tendency to feel too comfortable with people too quickly, which ties into her optimism-towards-people thing, which... She probably would have hated that job anyway. (But, like, she really needs a job.)
Scene 11:
Jessa avec cigarette veers into random little Brooklyn bar. It's 1:00 (when her abortion is scheduled to begin). "These things never start on time. I'll have a White Russian."
Oh, so easily explained away by a couple of tears and defensive outbursts and perhaps a drug binge and then some sloppy wet hugs and everyone will forgive her. I won't lie that the ol' "I'm such a mess; you HAVE to forgive me" bit is totally foreign to me. One time I had to ask a prof for an extension, so I rubbed oil into the roots of my hair and used theatrical makeup to make myself look anorexic, and then trembled my way through our meeting. I'm not proud of lying, but I'm super proud of the lie.
Scene 12:
Clinic.
Hannah: "Where's Jessa?"
Marnie: "She's not here! Because she's never fucking here when she needs to be!"
But Marnie's got her own reasons for being on edge. Marnie's having "I haven't gotten pregnant despite my sexual irresponsiblity" anxiety and is worried she's barren. For some reason, she starts hating on the regularity of her period.
Hannah: "I never know when I'm going to get my period, and it's always a surprise, and that's why all my underwear is covered in weird stains." There are two kinds of woman: one who knows when her period is coming, and one whose underwear is all covered in weird stains. PREACH.
Enter Shoshanna, who stopped for snacks because her sister's labour took "hours". Because she things aborting a baby is the same basic process as having a baby.
One thing I HATED about Juno was the way it vilified abortions. Unintenionally, sure, but still, it ultimately displayed a very conservative viewpoint on the issue of abortion, because the sum total of the protagonist's decision was "I'm going to have a casual abortion that's casually no big deal." Which is exactly what the Santorums of the world would love to believe of all young women who make that choice. Then, some picketer chick (who, as a woman and as a human, was wrong to be picketing that clinic in the first place, no matter how sweet and Asian she was) tells her that her baby has [insert whatever developed bit of anatomy here], and suddenly Juno actually thinks about it and realizes - GASP - she would be KILLING a BABY. The rest of the movie is generally fine (although to be frank I haven't seen it since I was a teenager and if I watched it now I'd probably snort and spit), but its fucking tasteless handling of the issue of abortion is horrible. Anyway, Girls does it better. But I guess that's not such a surprise.
Scene 13:
A very cute boy walks in that weird bar looking for a payphone. Jessa offers her "cellular phone". He points out the litany of texts and missed calls; Jessa brushes him off. He leaves a very interesting message for his mom. "Hey mom, I'll call you back in a few hours, hope you're feeling better." I really hope he sticks around so we can figure out what the deal is with his mom and why he doesn't have a phone. (Although if the answer is that he just prefers to be off the grid, then I'll be glad to punch him. You can't be a functional person in this day and age if you're off the grid. You can only be an annoying person.)
After he hangs up, he asks Jessa what she's drinking. "Milk," she smirks. There's A Moment.
Scene 14:
Trailer Line!
Shoshanna: "Marnie told me you were getting an STD test? Fun."
Hannah: "Do you really think that sounds like a lot of fun?"
Shoshanna: "Just that... you have sex and then have a test about it."
Nobody makes more tasteless jokes than a virgin trying to pretend she's not. Sorry, was that a spoiler? It really shouldn't be, after that massacre of awkwardness. Hm, I wonder if they're going to exploit that plotpoint right away or if, like Grey's Anatomy, they'll just let her be a virgin for a while.
Hannah has AIDS phobia.
Shoshanna: "It's not that hard to contract either, haven't you seen RENT?"
Marnie: "Please. It's practically why I moved to New York." PREACH
Hannah finally explains her little "Stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms" panic: "He will leave his penis in there until it shrinks as guys are wont to do." It's so great to see us represented on television. And by "us", I mean "twentysomething girls who use the word 'wont'."
Marnie: "Are they wont to do that?"
Shoshanna: "Yeah like when they're with me they're wont to."
Hannah cautions Marnie to be nice to Jessa when she shows up.
Marnie: "It's a bummer, because like she ruined it..."
Hannah: "How could she ruin the beautiful abortion you threw? You're a great friend and you threw a really great abortion." Hannah really is the smartest when she's telling Marnie what's up. Hannah and Marnie bring out the best in each other. Jessa brings out the worst in Marnie. I couldn't tell you what the deal is with Jessa and Hannah yet. And Shoshanna's still the yappy tagalong so I haven't got a read on her relationship matrix yet.
Scene 15:
Jessa pushes the cute boy into graffitied bathroom. "Put your hands down my pants," she orders. "Already?" Cute boy dives; comes up with his fingers horrifyingly covered in raspberry juice. CELEBRATION. No, seriously, a bloody crotch is absolutely cause for celebration sometimes, which is FUCKED. Like, even when you know for a fact you can't be pregnant, the first thought in your head when a late/missed period occurs is CANCER.
But as everyone who's watched I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant knows, it's possible to get fake periods while pregnant. DON'T BE FOOLED, JESSA!
Scene 16:
Marnie bitches some more to Shoshanna about Jessa, which is weird, since they're supposed to be cousins. But Shoshanna's got bigger things on her mind, such as the fact that she's a TOTAL VIRGIN! Marnie's like, "Sex is really overrated." Classic.
The thing is, Shoshanna thinks it's the biggest deal in the world. Marnie doesn't, but Shoshanna is clearly having a moment, and if Marnie doesn't also get worked up she'll just look really callous. Well, not only does Marnie not really think it's a big deal, but she also doesn't really give a shit about Shoshanna, so that is awkward. The sum total is that Marnie's sitting there trying really really hard not to brush her off and to affect the appropriate amount of excitement. Which means that the best she can come up with is sharing a reciprocally awful secret: "I hit a puppy with my car once."
Here's the other sad thing about Shoshanna: she's a 21-year-old Sex and the City fan. Which means she has a VERY good idea about what sex is, how she wants her sex, who she would want to have sex with... There's probably something about it on her manifestation board. And yet, it hasn't happened yet... "It feels like everyone and their mother is having sex." I don't know what more to say. I just want to hold her and cry with her.
Scene 17:
"I'm 143 pounds, but the nurse weighed me with clothes on, so... that was a rude thing to do," says Hannah.
And the, the third repetition of the phrase "the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms." It's weird that a health care worker is blowing off that concern, because I've actually heard from a health teacher that the "stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms" is actually a huge concern. I believe "Don't let him get soft inside you" were her exact words.
"I have a big fear of AIDS. ...It's more of a Forrest Gump-based fear, I mean, that's what Robin Wright Penn's character died of so... If you have AIDS, there are a lot of stuff people aren't going to bother you about, like, do you have a job, did you pay your rent, did you take an html course..." Or a Photoshop course. Also "a good excuse to be angry with a guy"? "Maybe what I really am is... wanting AIDS."
The doctor takes a seat and then says, very directly, "That is an incredibly silly thing to say. You do not want AIDS. Do you know that every 35 minutes a woman is diagnosed with HIV and a third of them are under 30, and most of them will die of it."
But honestly, I get where Hannah's coming from. I was having a conversation with my Girls-watching buddy and she got it too. One time I was getting ready for an exam that I was pretty sure I was going to fail, so instead of using the last hour to uselessly cram I decided to dress for my funeral - I picked a really cute outfit, applied full makeup, did my hair awesomely, and wore heels. And as I was leaving, I thought, "Oh, but are these heels a good idea? I'm very prone to pratfalls." And then I answered my own question with, "Isn't breaking your leg preferable to writing this exam?" And the answer was totally "Yes". At the time. Which was an incredibly silly thing to think - but so, so honest.
And there's the other thing, that people pay attention to you when you have a disease. Or so you would think. You'd think there would be this clarity of vision that would come with having a disease, where you would see who was really important to you, and what was important, and everything that was giving you grief before would no longer give you grief because of your new perspective on life. But in practice, that... can't totally be the case. All those grinning assholes who claim that AIDS/cancer was a "positive experience", we always forget that they're way stronger than us and the positivity came in spite of intense suffering and anguish that you probably would rather not go through.
Wrapping up this incredibly insightful scene is this exchange, after the doctor inserts the speculum:
Hannah: "Ow."
Doctor: "Is that painful?"
Hannah: "Yeah, but only in the way that it's supposed to be."
My Girls watching buddy and I practically cried and held each other as this line was spoken. Gentlemen - (if there are any of you even left) - if you've ever wondered what it's like to be a woman, remember those lines of dialogue. "Is that painful?" "Yeah, but only in the way that it's supposed to be." Holy shit. Womanhood in a nutshell. Am I right, ladies? Oh God, the life we agree to live.
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