The Borgias 2.3: The Beautiful Deception

And Juan's just like, "Adios, cabrónes."

We open on a gruesome shadow cast on a stone wall. Well, I say gruesome, but the only difference between this scene and Clayton's death scene in Tarzan (Disney version) is that it's more disturbing. Than this show. That scene in Disney's Tarzan is more disturbing than this scene in SHOwtime's The Borgias. Does that blow your mind? It shouldn't. 

Lucrezia just happens to be out and about this morning, shopping for froufie gowns that are presumably intended to torture little Groombaby. Cesare shows up; he's walking from the general direction of the hanging spectacle, so we know his goofy smile and jovial attitude is such an act. He's a bit too eager to hustle Lucrezia home - "It's getting hot" and all that - but Lucrezia's smart. Lucrezia's Lucrezia. She can tell something's wrong just by looking at him.

And that's when we hear some guy yell, "CUT HIM DOWN! GIVE ME A HAND! I NEED A SHARPER BLADE!"

And that's when we hear Lucrezia yell, "No. No! NO!"

Though Cesare tries to stop her, she runs to him, busting through crowds. She throws herself on the body, wailing. Proper Italian widow wailing, too - nice touch. Cesare swings his sword at the gawkers - "IS THIS A SPECTACLE? DO YOU LIKE TO STARE AT TEARS?" They scatter like a few feet, but Cesare sheaths his sword anyway, like, "Point made, bitches." He's so hot when he's being protective of his bereaved sister.

Lucrezia's piecing everything together even while squeezing Paolo to death (heehee). "It's all my fault... And the pity was, he loved a Borgia." She pronounces her last name like it's a racial slur.

Cesare finds a "suicide note" pinned to Paolo's sleeve and passes it to Lucrezia, hoping it'll alleviate a bit of her guilt. Obviously, the presence of the note only serves to galvanize her suspicions, and ours, but Cesare isn't aware, and Lucrezia can't bring herself to speak the words right now. She stands and takes a few steps, gives a little moan, and collapses all over herself. Cesare scoops her up and carries her home. I guess she's too sad to put her arms around his neck. 

Cesare's already screaming at people as soon as they set foot inside. "Warm water, and a physician!" Lucrezia finally gets over her shock enough to squeak, "I want to die. I want to die." The words cut Cesare like a knife; he kisses her head and pleads, "Don't talk like that, please! You have a child to care for!" 

"Then we must both die," says Lucrezia. "Like Paolo."

Bad timing. The baby is already hungry, and Rodrigo's order for a wetnurse is yet unfilled.

Whoa, here are the physicians! Hey guys, the Vatican comes with Physicians-On-Demand!

Has anyone realized that we haven't yet seen a mass in the Vatican? Not a wedding, just a regular ol' mass? Well, NOW WE HAVE! It's cool to see commoners in the Vatican, but this SHOw's not going to let us respect the Church's treatment of the poor for one second: we open on the grey-clad congregation dropping their hard-earned wages into shiny silver collection plates. Rodrigo (in his Carmen Miranda hat) offers all the donors Plenary Indulgences. Disgusting.

Della Rovere, rocking kind of a mountain man look. He was NOT that beardy when he left Umbria. I suspect crepe hair and spirit gum. He's recognized by a Dominican monk who, Dellaro points out, refused to donate - someone's feeling a bit Lutheran today, as well. They riddle, and then decide to chat over dinner: "Break bread with me, brother." It's the most Shakespearean scene I've ever seen. Practically every tragedy has some scene early on where there's a bunch of noble assholes talking a bunch of noise, and then at the end, when all the important people start shuffling out, two minor nobles who have thus far done nothing but crack wise in the back suddenly converge and start speaking sense, promising to discuss matters further over wine/bread/a rousing game of chess.

Rodrigo's getting undressed. Cesare kicks out the squire and takes over the undressing of his father. Um. Rodrigo has never heard of Paolo, but is very sorry he's dead. Though not shocked. "He dared to come to Rome!" 

Cesare: Yeah, he came to see Lucrezia.

Rodrigo: Which obviously he didn't. (Evil glare)

Cesare: *balls retract up into body* Eep, no, no he didn't!

There are WAY too many layers to the Papal costume (interpret that as a metaphor if you wish). Cesare's been working at it for a few minutes now and Rodrigo's still covered from neck to wrist to to. Anyway, says Cesare, the pressing problem is that Lucrezia's on a hunger strike, and has signed up little Groombaby for the hunger strike as well. Rodrigo's like, There's a baby in danger? I'M ON IT!

Lucrezia's very catatonic when Rodrigo goes to her. Oh, those sullen teenage girls. He's trying to cheer her up but failing because his thesis is, Paolo committed suicide, so you can't feel that bad about him dying. Then he says "Up" and tries to pull her to a sitting position. She's totally limp. They wrestle. It's funnier than it should be. He's really earnest but still referring to himself as "We", which is extremely annoying, as in: "Tell us what we can do to make things right."

And then Lucrezia Borgia stares deep into his eyes and whispers, "Ask Juan."

Groombaby is absolutely losing his shit. Cesare asks if he's feverish yet. "It will follow," says the baby nurse. "As night follows day." Hm, that's awfully poetic for a baby nurse. Getting a bit above her station?

When Rodrigo presses him, Cesare's timid lie collapses like a house of cards and he admits to organizing a liaison. Then he finally yells at Rodrigo for marrying her to Sforza the Rapist - "You married her to a brute, and she found solace in a stable boy!" Damn straight, Chezzie.

For some reason, when Rodrigo asks whether Juan did it, Cesare can't bring himself to actually say "yes". It's interesting - you'd think that Cesare would be all over throwing Juan under the bus, but there's still a little vestigial terror in the idea of selling out his brother for murder (the bad kind of murder). It's... sweet?

Brother Giuliano (for that is, coincidentally, the Domenican monk's name) is just as amused by Julius Caesar as everyone else. "He's of the Capuchin order," cracks Dellaro, threatening to join the Capuchins if Brother Giuliano won't let him join the Domenicans. His motivation for entering the Domenican brotherhood? Well, guess which order his beloved Savonarola belongs to? The scene ends just as he's about to bring up his whole "Kill the Pope" line.

Rodrigo is yelling at Vanossa for facilitating the little tryst. And Vanossa's yelling at him right back. Go Vanossa!

Family meeting: Chezz, Juan, Rodrigo, Vanossa. Rodrigo sits himself aggressively across from Juan and asks him the Big Question. In his surliest and least convincing teenager voice, Juan denies it. And then Rodrigo just THROWS HIMSELF ACROSS THE TABLE AND STARTS CLOBBERING HIM. Candles topple over. Vanossa and Cesare shriek. Juan tries to run and fails. Rodrigo is snorting and shaking his fist and it's amazing. Without copping to the deed, Juan insists that Rodrigo's best bet for getting Lucrezia re-hitched is to bury Paolo in an unconsecrated grave. Rodrigo threatens Juan with peasanthood if he doesn't shape the fuck up.

Brother Giuliano starts off terrified of Dellaro, but flipflops pretty quickly when Dellaro mentions that he's pretty sure he can get Savonarola on board. Hope this doesn't turn into another embarrassment.

Rodrigo sits by Catatonic Lucrezia's bed, squeezing her hand and begging her to speak to him. "You are the light of my life," he says. Thank GOD he's dropped the Royal We. Her terms: give Paolo a Christian burial. Rodrigo painfully lies that he can't, it was a suicide, but then Lucrezia whips out the note. She gets really fierce for a moment, spitting words. "My Paolo could not read or write." Then he realizes that Lucrezia knows Juan done it. "I will not have this family at war with itself," he repeats. He leaves to conference with the team.

Whoa, weird angle on the baby. Kinda looks like he belongs here right now. The babynurse starts crying. (I'm a little bit surprised that the child's hunger is still an issue. Lactating women can't be that hard to find in an era before universally available contraception. Or maybe it's a snobbery thing...) Rodrigo conferences with Cesare - looks like he's going to keep up the suicide charade, but give the kid a Christian burial anyway. Then he gathers up the Groombaby and just goes ahead and says to his daughter, "We ask that you give this child your breast". If my father ever says that to me I'll probably vomit. Lucrezia's boobs must be rock hard and leaking by now. Lucrezia throws herself at Rodrigo with a huge smile on her face and nurses Giovanni beatifically. The kid is handsy; he paws at his Mama, pops his fingers into her mouth. It's adorbs.

Rodrigo's sitting alone, pondering life. Juan sneaks up on him and gives him a very awkward hug. Rodrigo just sits there not hugging back. Juan confesses without really speaking the words, and Rodrigo lays down the law: pick a Spanish wife, get your ass to Spain, and stop being such a goddamn embarrassment. Then he storms out, leaving Juan to cry shamefully.

Later, Cesare's doing all that needs to be done over Paolo's body. "Say goodbye to your father, my love," Lucrezia purrs, and then she jams the baby lips-first into the corpse's face. It's macabre, but it must have been such a fun shoot for Luke Pasqualino. Baby kisses are like little bits of heaven. They're like little topically-applied dabs of heroin.

Oh look, people are riding horses through Mediterranean scrubland, led by Catarina Sforza. Wonder where they're going? Wonder where anyone is ever going when they're depicted riding horses? We see the reverse shot - hey, what hill is that? Who cares about a hill? Oh - oh wait - the camera's panning... Oh look, an ocean. Surprise! They're in Naples! Also, why did I never realize you could see Mount Vesuvius in the background behind the castle? That's pretty fucking epic. I kept some volcanic rock from my hike up Vesuvius. Once, I found it and thought it was a cookie. "Not a very good cookie," I remember thinking. Then, "Oh."

Meanwhile, inside the pretty greenscreened castle, we say one last goodbye to our dear Alfonso as the hideous taxidermist (hideous on the inside, I'm not shallow) stitches up the seam of his jawline, the spot which corresponds perfectly to were we saw him make the first cut last episode. They probably planned that so they could reuse the dummy. Michelotto is just hanging out in the background. The Neapolitan castle is so fucking weird; why can Michelotto just hang out there so easily? Surely at least one of the soldiers recognizes him as the one redheaded guy in Italy who cheese-cut their compatriot a few months back. I kind of understand how Michelotto could have slipped in when it was bustling and plague-free, but even then. The Taxidermist is moaning about how bored he's been since King Ferrante stopped popping off noblemen left right and center. Michelotto slyly asks for information, which the taxidermist is so ready to give; he sells out Catarina and Giovanni Sforza in like three seconds. Who does he think Michelotto is? What's this weird fraternity they seem to have? Who does he think he's helping out? What does he think is in it for him if the castle gets attacked? Maybe there's some old Latin proverb about how the taxidermist always prevails? "He who stuffs death rebuffs death." I like it.

I'm pretty sure Catarina Sforza had black hair last season. Then again, so did Vanossa. WHAT is with the wigs? Catarina's doing all the heavy lifting with these negotiations; Sforza the Rapist is just kind of lingering in the back, rocking Severus Snape's actual haircut. Enter Chuzzie in his fuzzy wheelchair, looking like a total mess, barely able to sit himself upright. "You 'ave many cousins, I 'ave been told. Are they all impotent like you?" Everybody just cracks the fuck up. I don't necessarily find impotence "funny" in the real world, but I LOVE how this show is depicting it as the funniest shit for these people. It makes it totally funny, which is awesome, because Sforza the Rapist is the guy that everyone loves to hate, and if this show is telling me that I'm allowed to laugh at his reputed impotence, then I'm going to giggle my ass off. It's a rare character to see and difficult to pull off, the completely irredeemable buffoon, and this show is doing a fantastic job of tempering his amount of screen time so that he doesn't become tiresome.

The scene wraps up with the usual bullshit about how France is going to level Rome and then the Sforza kids get to keep the artillery. What I DID learn is that Chuzzie actually DOES refer to himself as "we", which hasn't been clear to me yet, so NOW I KNOW.

Juan is noisily nailing a fluffy-hair wench in his bedroom, which is lined with portraits, and getting her opinion on all his prospective wives. Lucrezia rocks little Groombaby's cradle, listening, her face going all scary and Borgia-y. Eventually, she grabs a candle and glides through the house, barging into Juan's room. "Forgive me, brother, had I realized," she snarks. Neither she nor Juan seem shocked enough at the situation. "Spare a thought for your nephew, who is trying to sleep downstairs." Juan climbs off "Bernadetta" and, duos testiculos presumably swinging, points out the frontrunner, Maria Enrique de Luna. "Clearly no peasant," spits Lucrezia with that awesome new Look in her eyes. It's a more hardened version of the Look she debuted when she took down Sforza the Rapist with the cunning use of spilled water. Juan doesn't even realize how fucked he is. "She is royalty, sis." He asks for her blessing. "You would have to have my forgiveness first," she quips non-comittally, and as Juan and Bernadetta throw themselves back into it, she casually slips her candle right under the convenient chandelier-supporting rope. Aw, fuck yeah, Lucrezia. High-fiving a million angels.

The following extremely long Juan/Bernadetta sex scene is shot entirely in chandelier POV, which means bird's-eye, which mean I've now realized just how much we human beings look like frogs when we're into it. I don't even think frogs look this much like frogs when they're porking. This is all, of course, intercut with shots of the rope sizzling and Lucrezia singing that little clapping game song to Groombaby - you know, the one she sang to Paolo in the stable? Juan has absolutely not quieted down, so Lucrezia is 100% privy to everything - including the sick metal thunk of the chandelier as it skewers the fuck out of poor old Bernadetta.

K... when all you've got holding up your chandelier is a dinky little hemp rope, and when some genius has chosen to position said chandelier RIGHT above your bed, WHY WOULD ANY SANE PERSON PICK A CHANDELIER WITH A FRAKKING SPEARHEAD IN THE MIDDLE?

Lucky for Juan (and I guess for me, since nasty Juan is occasionally my favourite), Bernadetta happened to be frogging on top when the chandelier went down. Unluckily for Bernadetta, she's currently dying on top of nasty Juan, who's screaming for someone to "Get her off me, for the love of God." Oh, I'm sorry, Juan, was the blood dribbling out of her mouth bothering your chest hair? Nothing compared to being impaled in multiple places, I'm sure. Cesare runs in (seems like he's always just around, eh?) and yanks the chandelier off her, complete with a lot of hilarious squelch foley. 

If I know the industry as well as I pretend to, I'm betting the foley was done by the same studio that did The Tudors and Cloverfield, among others. I did a workshop with one of its artists once (which was AMAHZING) and I can only imagine how much fun that scene was for them. "Hm, seems like we have a chandelier being yanked out of a hooker. Someone get a bowlful of seaweed!"

To his credit, Cesare looks pretty fucking horrified at the spectacle. He screams for the physicians-on-demand.

Oh look, Lucrezia finally got little Groombaby to sleep! She swans off to bed with this ethereal expression on her face, like for a moment she's transcended the dull confines of humanity and become a cold goddess, an angel, a legend.

Juan finds the smoldering rope and pieces everything together. He chuckles at first, like it's only a game, but he can't sustain it, and slowly everything hits him: He murdered his sister's lover. His sister tried to murder him back. And his face is just like, "My beloved Lucrezia tried to kill me." And that, kids, is what we call a David Oakes Moment.

This episode marks a significant milestone in each Borgia kid's development. I call it their "solidification", and I love that they were able to extend the process past the first season. Cesare's happens at the end of the episode, and it's all about him rising above his shitty Cardinal gig and being recognized for his immense talents. Lurezia lost Paolo, which was just the last straw in a hit parade that also included Djem's suspicious death and her less-than-happy marriage to Sforza the Rapist. We've seen her dark side, but Paolo's death made her a killer. Cesare and Lucrezia also solidified their relationship by banding against Juan and having him exiled to Spain.

Now, Juan's "solidification" is the most interesting to me. One of the reasons I'm so fond of Juan is that he's generally been a really good big brother to Lucrezia and Gioffre. He loves them. He's his best self with his younger siblings. However. Lucrezia tried to kill him. That's why I interpreted his reaction to the burnt rope as trying to pretend it was a game, because if Cesare had done it, it would have been part of a game. Their tiresome, neverending game. But Lucrezia is his baby sister, who loved him until yesterday. In losing her, he lost a lot of his capacity for kindness. Lucrezia aligning herself with Cesare against him is really what's turned Juan from a bumbling hedonistic narcissist to (I predict) a straight-up tyrant. Now, the kicker is, I can't help but feel that if Juan had spent more quality time with Lucrezia (instead of always with the hookers and trying to convince everyone he was manlier than Cesare), she would have tempered a lot of his cruelty, meaning Paolo's life might have been saved; and perhaps Juan and Cesare might have grown to be allies rather than enemies. Gioffre is Juan's last chance for redemption; I hope he doesn't fuck that up too. (Like, by screwing Gioffre's wife, for instance.)

"From the Judas cradle to the Judas chair," says Chuzzie as Alfonso's puppet body is arranged at the Table of Eternal Despair. "He did not enjoy the cradle, did he?" He did not, the doctor confirms. "Angle his head a bit," he orders the taxidermist, who complies. Doing so takes a lot of force and is accompanied by a foley of snapping twigs, which is just delicious. "See you, I'll come back soon," Chuzzie sing-songs hilariously as he's wheeled out of the room, waving bye-bye to the rest of the Disciples.

Michelotto's in the kitchen, practicing his knife-throwing on a beautiful charcoal drawing of the skinless male anatomy. It's at about 20% scale, but Michelotto's a fucking boss with the knives, so you KNOW he gets the organs. The creepy taxidermist walks in with his hilarious thimble hat - he's got news! Chuzzie's ordering everyone out of Naples! Michelotto knows on the spot that it will take at least three days to mobilize two armies to Rome. That's what we pay you for, Rosso. He hangs a bag of coins (no tacky Euro sign, sadly) on one of his throwing knives, but when the taxidermist goes to collect it, he whips around and pinions his sleeve against the knife board. The taxidermist just cannot believe his body is still intact. He's terrified. But all Michelotto wants to do is threaten him a whole bunch. And then he leaves that creep of a taxidermist alive! After having drowned a twelve-year-old altar boy!

I mean, maybe it's because attempted murder is a lot more heinous a crime than spying, but I'm inclined to think it's because there's this fraternity of creepy fucks that Michelotto respects. Remember when he first saw the Table of Eternal Despair last season? How he just sat there, staring at the puppets, like a Dementor at a birthday party? I think he honestly is just really fond of the taxidermist.

Oh look, another Borgia family dinner chez Vanossa. This should be congenial. Ha. I crack myself up. What's weird about this scene, I'll get it out of the way, is not only that Gioffre is conspicuously absent, but also that there seems to be a place set for him. There's a plate, with food and shit, and an empty chair. What, did they leave it out for the faeries? Does this whole thing take place while Gioffre's nel bagno? Bah. I guess the most interesting thing about Gioffre is Sancia, and I guess her story arc won't start until the second or third part of the season, which is fine, but I kind of miss Little B.

It's supposed to be Juan's going away dinner, I guess, so Vanossa's in an appropriately schmoopy vein. Juan drains his wine. "Let me serve you, brother," Lucrezia coos, and does just that. Cesare smirks, like "My sister is awesome." I guess it's kind of sad that nobody in Juan's family likes him anymore. Lucrezia does a whole lot of implying that the only reason Juan's wine is unpoisoned is that Lucrezia fucking let it be unpoisoned. Vanossa picks up on the weird vibe: "What is it with you children tonight?" Juan decides to make a speech of gratitude to Vanossa, who, he says, held the family together through all their early hardships in Rome, despite the Romans' harsh treatment of her. Of course, this is Juan we're talking about, so as his words get sweeter and more loving, his manner gets more wolfish, until he's bearing down on his siblings and implying - what? I don't know. I think he just felt kinda one-upped and figured he would try out his angry eyes. At one point, he does nonchalantly taste his wine, I guess implying something like "Well, it's NOT poisoned, so nyuh!"

Or maybe it's all in his "the heat of the Spanish son", our "Catalan blood" rhetoric - "I'm going to be awesome in Spain, and then I'll come back to visit and everyone will be so impressed with the Prodigal Son that you won't get any attention! Hah!" Maybe that's it. I don't know.

Anyway, he finishes it off by raising his glass to "La Madre", which he pronounces kind of awkwardly. Cesare leaps to his feet and repeats "La Madre!", pronouncing it LIKE SO MUCH BETTER. Like a bullfighter would. There are times when I just look at Francois Arnaud and go "You'd better hope I never run into you on the streets of Montreal, because Imma be ON YOU like SO FAST you don't even KNOW", and this is one of those times. All because he pronounced two Spanish words correctly. Hot damn, I'm easy to please. Lucrezia just says "Mother", because she's just a wild card, and then they all toast, except they do it properly, sending wine splashing everywhere. So if anyone's been poisoned, they've ALL been poisoned.

Michelotto rides through the night like so fast, you guys.

So the whole town has turned out to see Juan off to what will either be a mundane brush-off Act II story arc, or a FUCKING AWESOME Act II story arc - Spain is either going to rock or suck. There are a few too many banners and pennants than he probably deserves. Juan, in his kicky little red chapeau and red poncho under a silly breastplate, blows the bitchiest kiss ever to his siblings, watching impassively from a balcony. "A sad day to lose a brother," muses Lucrezia. Cesare agrees. Then they crack up because fuck Juan.

But then, oh then, in rides Michelotto, making a huge spectacle of himself. He's riding like a bobble head, like a first-time rider whose horse has just been stung by a bee. I bet his genitals are not even legally genitals anymore. Man, riding injuries are so hot right now. Michelotto, Daenerys from Game of Thrones, and... that's all I can think of, but, I mean, I'd call 2 a trend. Just like I'd totally call spinal injuries a trend. I think we're up to 4 now in the past two years, and that's just out of the shows I watch.

Anyway, Michelotto shares the fruits of his spying. How awesome is this?? Juan gets kicked out of Rome on the VERY DAY they hear of an attack! And Cesare doesn't have to deal with the Goon-falonieri crap this time around! Yay for Cesare! And Yay for Juan, too, because Lucrezia would have no desire to save his ass. Oh, sure, she'd step in before any poor people died, but she'd probably let it play out juuust long enough to see Juan cry in public. Or to see Rodrigo slap the shit out of Juan. In public.

(That's really how the episode ties together, by the way. Juan killed Paolo, Lucrezia and Rodrigo effectively exiled him to Spain, Cesare rocked the shit out of the French attack... in case you were wondering.)

Cesare then rushes the good news to Rodrigo. He's like, "Roll out the cannons! What's that? No cannons? Then make me just a shitton of cannons! Now who in my direct eyeline would be most suited for the job? Oh, that artist I fuck could surely get an artillery together in a week! That's part of art school, right? Artillery design?"

Victor/Victoria's looking kind of skeptical, but she's no dummy. She won't say no. She bounces off to get started, and Cesare reminds Rodrigo that the last time this happened, the Cardinals all went on spring break.

There are zero old white guys anywhere in the world who have even a rice grain of respect for Alexander Sextus. The cardinals are flat-out yelling at him. I guess this only bothers me because this show has done such a great job of making me just despise the Cardinals, individually and as a group. I've literally never heard one selfless or truly Jesus-y thing come out of any of their mouths. Dellaro likes to go on at length about how Jesus-y he is, but that's obviously a steaming pile. Rodrigo's sitting there like a teenager, rolling his eyes. That is, until Cesare walks in and, at Rodrigo's signal, fires a little makeshift handheld cannon. The entire College simultaneously shits their pants. Rodrigo jumps too, giggling adorably. He's like ten years old right now. It's kind of nice to see Cesare in his Cardinal's reds again. But his hat is making me weep for the loss of his first-season wig.

Well, that was an impressive little show-and-tell, but back in the workshop, Victor/Victoria breaks it to Cesare that the assembly line hasn't been invented yet, so it would take a month to make, like, a few. "A MONTH?" he snarls. She straighttalks that if they really buckled down, they could turn out either one decent cannon or two really shit cannons. Apparently some of the fault lies with Rodrigo, who ordered all the copper smelted to pay for his silly toga party. So Cesare gets pissed and smashes the little handheld cannon against the floor. It shatters. Plaster! What a great (?) idea! It's fast, it's plentiful, and cheap! Oh Cesare, WHAT are you planning?

Well, we know what Dellaro's planning. Brother Giuliano pokes his head into Dellaro's and Julius Caesar's spartan accomodations (lol?) and announces that the French/Sforzan army is on the way! Brother Giuliano is pretty sure that Chuzzie's gonna take care of this whole nasty "killing the pope" business for them, but Dellaro's been through this before. He knows what's up.

Cesare drops by the foundry to check on the progress. Victor/Victoria shows him a completed "cannon". Cesare is blown away by the craftsmanship, and actually makes a HWAH sound of triumph when she tells him there are 95 more on the way.  All the happiness tickles Victor/Victoria, and she starts giggling like a girl. Cesare's like, people who have penises don't giggle like that. And that's her undoing. Cesare gets this crazy, almost sick, sort of addicted face and pulls aside the lapel of her jacket. Instead of her customary "Please don't violate me" face, V/V just stands there smirking, letting Cesare process. It's like so hot you guys, you don't even know. This crazy pressure builds up in his throat; the words are too big to say. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, licks his lips, and goes, "You're... a..." "Yes," she finishes, bedroom eyes a-flutter.

(Kay, one day I'll be able to get through an episode without seven hundred Game of Thrones references, but IT IS NOT THIS DAY. When Cesare says "You're a...", how much did it remind you of Theon Greyjoy realizing that the girl he just molested was his sister, "YARA!" "You're a." "Yara." You see? Phonetically. Also, I guess it's kind of uncool to just assume that everyone who watches this crazy show also watches GoT, but... you definitely do, right?)

Anyway, Cesare is staring at V/V with this amazed expression on his face. It's the same expression you'd have if, I don't know, you were chatting with some rando in the Starbucks lineup and then suddenly you realized that said rando just happened to be your favourite child star all grown up. You'd probably prod their face too. "There's nothing in this damned city what it seems," said Cesare, exiting. "At least I know you can keep a secret."

I finally believe my Shakespeare profs' party line about how breeches plays (Twelfth Night, As You Like It, etc, etc) were so popular mainly because the crossdressing women were really, really hot, and really appealing to both genders. Doesn't work so well anymore, though. Menswear now is so harsh and unornamented, I think Renaissance-era dress was ideal. Softer, so that the actress' beauty could shine through unencumbered by all the frills of women's weeds, but not weakened by the harsh lines of, say, a suit. It's why Amanda Bynes looked so awkward in She's The Man. Shoulda worn a doublet, kiddo.

Wheeeeeere was I. Oh, Rodrigo's barefoot! I seriously think Rodrigo has a foot fetish. He had a whole dream about wearing poor people shoes last season, not to mention his Lucrezia nightmare with her freakish tiny feet, and just earlier this episode he roared at Juan that he might end up in peasant shoes. Ooh, scary. Yup, foot fetish diagnosed. He's pacing, trying to figure out what to tell the waiting French ambassador.

Cesare leads him to the window. The "cannons" are all riding up to the battlements. "You need to trust me, Father, for once," says Cesare. POINT TAKEN. Rodrigo grabs him and kisses him kind of violently. "Tell that envoy that Rome is more than just her walls," says Rodrigo. "She is the Eternal City, and she will NOT be raped and deflowered." Yeah, like Rome's still got anything resembling a hymen at this point. (Just don't talk about rape and Rome, ok? Because there's that whole Sabine women thing that everyone's just WAY too comfortable discussing, and it makes me feel icky.)

Chuzzie is not super thrilled that he has to get out of bed and go to war today. He's still looking really clammy. Catarina Sforza is pretty taken aback that Rome is planning to fight. Man, Chuzzie just never picks the right Italians to advise his marching strategy, does he? He wonders aloud whether Borgia blood could cure his flu. "We could bathe in it together, your majesty," says Catarina. "AHEEE!" giggles Chuzzie, before wrinkling his nose and losing interest. Michel Muller, man. This guy's the most legit thing ever. *slow clap*

A bunch of the Papal guards crack wise about how light the cannon is as they hoist it up, Michelotto lurking nearby. (Sidenote: I always enjoy really technical scenes like this, that display how this world functions. Also why I enjoyed Pillars of the Earth. Before, I was never really able to believe the Middle Ages, if you will, because you so rarely see representations of how things were done. I was like, "How the fuck did [that building go up? / they get your dress that colour]? Faaaaake." Something a lot of sci-fi/fantasy/historical fiction writers forget: If you fail to display the mechanics of the world, your... you... I don't know. You fail, I guess. Faaaaail.) 

The nose of the cannon in question knocks against the scaffolding as they pull it in, revealing the plaster underneath the paint and prompting a hysterical round of laughter from a baldy who clearly thinks himself too old for his shit. "They've given us toy cannons!" So Michelotto stabs him and throws him over the side of the wall. As you do. He takes everyone's stunned silence as an opportunity to make a speech about how they're all going to pretend the cannons are real, OR FUCKING ELSE. Oh, jeez, and you let the taxidermist live?

Eh. I guess Naples is important.

The fouth good thing about plaster is that it can be glued back together. "Will it pass?" asks Cesare. "Let's pray," says Victor/Victoria. Cool.

General Blond reckons that twelve hours of non-stop cannon fire should take the walls down neatly. Sick Chuzzie wonders aloud if he could sleep through it.

The Cardinals all get bitchy with Cesare about his lack of experience, which you know from last season Cesare just LOVES hearing. Rodrigo blesses him and sends him on his way. Cesare's wearing this coat that's just, like, man.

Then we get a great tight shot of his horse's anus as he rides away. Did we need to see that? Eh. Probably not.

Parley time! "You make a manly figure on your horse, Cardinal," says Catarina, "but the French cannon will soon break down your walls. And you will be impotent in the face of them." Oh, whatever, Cat. I was really ready to like you after reading your Wikipedia page, but you're just obnoxious.  I guess they were like, "Hey, all our strong female figures are also sympathetic. Let's just make this one a jerk." I mean, what's cool is they're pretty consistent with how all the Sforzas are just the worst. Ascanio Sforza knows. He's not cheering for his meanie cousins even a little bit. But I do see what he means now, about Giovanni Sforza lacking the Sforza "vigour". Giovanni's a weenie when he's not terrorizing an adolescent girl. Chuzzie points out the array of flags along the wall "To welcome us?" And Cesare's like "Your Highness is indeed welcome... to SUCK MY DICK!" and then Michelotto cuts a rope, and all the flags drop to the ground. Surprise! It's cannons! (Oh hey, the flags all bore the SPQR emblem, that's interesting.) All the French are like durrrrrr... Catarina (the smart one) is like, "How did he manage to..."

After some mild trash talk, Cesare trots back inside the walls, and all the Cardinals start crossing themselves like they have holy Tourette's. General Blond asks if he should fire. With a chest full of anger, Chuzzie mutters, "Do I look like a fool?" And then--

"RETREAT!"

And the city goes wild! The church bells ring in victory! It's like the happiest scene I've ever seen! 

Ascanio Sforza: Do you know what that sound is?

Me: THOSE ARE THE SHRIEKING EELS!

But the answer is actually "The Sound Of Our Salvation". The Cardinals kiss each other a bunch of times and then start repeating "God is Great" over and over again. And there's this Hungarian extra playing a Vatican guard... worst extra I've seen in my entire life. It's hilarious. He kind of has this confused grin on his face and his eyes dart around way too much. Well, serves the director right for directing his extras to act all stiff and expressionless during a celebratory scene. Everyone should be celebrating!

There are some more stiff, expressionless Hungarians in this next scene, but they don't pull as much focus, because all the focus is on Giulia Farnese and Lucrezia running to embrace Rodrigo, who is practically weeping with relief. It's lovely. And then in strolls Cesare with his huge balls - I mean, ball. He's holding a cannon ball. A "cannon ball". "We should melt down that bell, Holy Father," he announces, looking kind of stoic. Why, asks Rodrigo. "To make cannon," he growls, and then SMASHES the plaster ball on the ground. LIKE a MOTHERFUCKING BOSS. "Real cannon this time!" he crows. Everyone pauses for two seconds, and then Lucrezia gets it and just shrieks with laughter and leaps into his arms. Giulia follows suit. Cesare holds the ladies and lets out a huge battle cry for no reason. "HARGH." Lucrezia shrieks with more laughter.

And that's credits! With Lucrezia the happiest we've ever seen her! Wow, what a great episode for Holliday Grainger. What a great episode for everyone. Fuck, guys, I think another group hug is in order. GROUP HUG!!!

(Coupla things before we close, because I didn't want to ruin the punch of the last scene with my ramblings: I feel like Cesare is going to get with Victor/Victoria. He could TOTALLY get with Giulia Farnese and I would be right behind him cheering him on. We already know his deal with Lucrezia. I just thought I'd point out that Cesare is a champion right now. But you already knew that. You know those "moments" I was mentioning before, back during the family dinner scene? Kay. That battle cry/victory cry/autistic belch he just let loose during the group hug - consider that another moment. I love it. I love it. I want. Je veux. Voglio.)