The Borgias Season 2, Episode 2: Paolo

"Be safe," she says, because she's seen this show before.

If you're a character of low class, and they name an episode after you, just get out. Run. It's not going to end well. It should, but it won't. Don't blame the writers - blame the Borgias.

Paolo rides a donkey... And he's totally un-deformed! Indeed, I'd go so far as to say "unscathed"! And looking hotter than ever, because he's on a horse, and he's got this little extra kick in his step that I guess comes from having rid himself of the stench of Sforza. He asks a farmer for directions to Rome. "Can't you smell it from here?" says the farmer, accurately, giving Paolo an opportunity to reveal just how in-over-his-head he is - "Does Rome smell?" "It stinks!" Yeah, poor Narcissus has absolutely no idea what he's in for. The farmer points him in the right direction, and Paolo heads forth on his donkey to Jerusalem, I mean Rome. Jerusalem? What would possess me to write "Jerusalem"? Hm. Dunno. Let's see how this plays out, shall we?

Rodrigo's Lair. A manservant gathers up the debris of Rodrigo's Ludi Taurii - Janus, Minerva, and Vulcan litter the floor while their "real-world" counterparts are sprawled snoring in post-tri-coital bliss, tangled in what I'm sure are some awesome-smelling silk sheets. Well, Janus and Minerva are snoring. Vulcan - our sweet Victor/Victoria - is giving into the post-coital flight instinct, easing her nubile body out from under Jeremy Irons' perhaps somewhat less nubile body and hauling naked ass out of there.

Paolo - jeez, he's like a proper man now - saunters down what I assume is Via Appia, like a boss. Sadly, the peasant girls do not start laying down olive branches, nor do they start singing "Hosanna Superstar!" repeatedly, which is a shame.

"We... had a dream... that we were a trinity upon this bed last night," says Rodrigo. He's being kind of weird about it. Giulia smiles to herself. Rodrigo, admitting to his blackout drunkenness the night before, asks whose crazy idea that was. That's it, Rod, piece it together. "I'm afraid it was mine," said Giulia, not sounding all that afraid. Rodrigo awkwardly (and, I know it's incredibly hard to believe, completely unsexily) sentences her to frequent bondage and whipping as penance. But Giulia's self-satisfied serenity does not falter. And I'm just like, "Yay! Vanossa next!"

The show decides to fuck with everyone by depicting a painter lying on scaffolding and painting a ceiling. I mean, faithful viewers will recognize him as Pinturicchio from last season, and history buffs will be like "Wrong year wrong Pope", and art history buffs will be like "Yeah, and also wrong painting, jerks," but seriously, put your hand up if you DIDN'T immediately go OH HEY MICHELANGELO HOW'S THE SISTINE CHAPEL GOING? Oh put your hands down, you goddamn liars. You shall be bound and whipped often as penance for your falsehoods.

Cesare's standing under the scaffolding drumming idly on a mandolin, looking a little edgy. Enter Ursula Bonadeo! I'm happy to see her. I slung a lot of crap her way most of last season, but we ended on a good note. Clearly she and Cesare did NOT. Ursula's got that nun pose perfected - you know the one. All tall nuns ever depicted on screen ever have stood the exact same way - kind of on a diagonal, head bowed. Even Kate Winslet in Extras. It's like the most pious pose ever invented.

We learn that the fresco is in honour of St. Caecelia, the founder of the order, and patron saint of music, and that Cesare is determined to use Ursula as a model. Spitefully, violently determined. Because, you see, he's already anticipated that Ursula wouldn't be super down - and Ursula's already anticipated that he won't take "no" for an answer. So he's ready when she tries to get the fuck out of there - grabbing her by the habit, SMACKING HER FACE INTO A STONE OR PERHAPS WOODEN SURFACE, pulling rank, throwing her into a corner, smacking a lute into her chest, ripping off her habit... It's hilarious, you guys. Pinturicchio is just up on the scaffolding like "Wait, is this the part where the good guy steps in? Oh my gosh, I totally think it is... Hey, erm, St. Caecelia isn't a nun, eh?" But Cesare is too busy grabbing at Ursula passionately, sexually, posessively... "I would restore this hair to what it was before God snatched it from me." Ursula's terrified, experiencing what I probably shouldn't call the pre-rape jitters, but Cesare wrenches himself away from her, hysterically declaring that his blasphemy is for a higher purpose, and assuring himself that Pinturicchio can resurrect that hair in paint.

This is the worst treatment of a woman on this show since Lucrezia's rape. Really, the only reason it isn't the worst is because of the lack of rape, although a few things - Ursula's reactions, mainly - would seem to suggest that Cesare is not innocent of that crime either. But surprisingly (to me), it was probably my favourite scene in an episode that boasts about three or four candidates for the title. The writing, acting, blocking - perfect. Perfectly horrible. Cesare's emotional narrative is so rich, so dense, I could swim in it. This is a man who has been forced into a religious position that he absolutely does not want and actively despises. He ends up falling in love with like the only woman in Rome who seems to give half a shit about religious propriety. And as a direct result of his actions, she gives herself over to a religious life - a life that, unlike Cesare, she takes absolutely seriously. And, poor idiot girl, in a last-ditch effort to get away from Cesare, she's gone and sealed herself in St. Caecelia's, of all freaking places, where Cesare is literally her master. The forbidden fruit dangling right in front of his lips, if you'll forgive the cliché. She's there, all the time, taunting him with her steadfast devotion. And here's the kicker: the only reason he has power is to abuse it. That's literally why Rodrigo gave it to him, so he could abuse it. Now, Cesare's in this position that he despises, with full license to abuse his frighteningly high level of power, and this one woman who is trapped directly in his sights... just a total sitting duck, at the mercy of his shitty mood. And literally everything in his life puts him in a shitty mood. And because Cesare is fucking crazy, this is the sort of shit he comes up with.

And... like... he's still... so... likeable. I mean, SHO, what the hell? HOW?

Well, here's something else I have a major fucking problem with: Alfonso is dead. I can't. I can't. I also sort of refuse to believe it, so let's just charge straight ahead into--

One of the Umbrian nuns trying to airplane a spoon into Della Rovere's more normal-looking mouth. Dellaro waves her away. Another nun comes charging down the path, going all Nonna on his ass about how he needs to eat something other than rainwater - apparently he's got a bit of a poison phobia now and hasn't found a willing taster. And then he just sort of... straight up asks for a Capuchin monkey. And the nuns glance sidelong at each other, all "Did he just ask for a Capuchin monkey? What is a Capuchin monkey and where the hellfuck are we going to find such a thing?"

Well, what I did NOT remember upon first screening is that Cesare used a Capuchin monkey way back in episode 1 as a poison tester, which coincidentally saved him and his father from death and gave Cesare a chance to retaliate by offing Orsini in his own house, winning himself a Michelotto in the process! Remember also that it was the Orsini incident that changed Rodrigo's attitude towards murder. So the monkey is perhaps an indication of Dellaro sort-of taking Cesare's advice - he'll never play with the Borgias, but he's certainly willing to learn the rules of their game.

A gorgeous, colourfully-dressed, Esmeralda-looking wench scans the street. Our dear Paolo catches her eye and she goes after him, giving the sales pitch. For she's a hooker, you see. One of those rosy-cheeked shiny-haired street walkers that were so common in the olden days (not). Her opening line: "You looking for a lady?" Which he totally misinterprets as some sort of divination (hookermancy). "How did you know?" And then she totally misinterprets his eager Romeo act as a sort of Michael-Cera-trying-to-get-laid act, and it's super cute when she promises to find him "a Lucrezia" and he's like "LEAD ON, MILADY!" Oooh, you know what I love about this show? How Paolo pronounces Lucrezia. Lucrrreeezia. Mmmm. It's decided: I am going to find myself a cute Italian boy, introduce myself as Lucrezia, and then just live that lie for the rest of my life. Totally worth it to hear him call me Lucrrreeezia every night.

Also cool: There are so few scenes were we just get to walk through Rome. Rome did it so awesomely, it's nice to watch another team attempt the same effect. They're quite successful throughout this episode, lots of motion, lots of extras. It feels exciting, tangible. Good job.

Victor/Victoria is deep into her restoration work when Rodrigo rolls by, commenting on how up-and-at-'em she is. "Where do you sleep?" he purrs. "Under silk covers last night," she quips. Saucy! I love it! More frequently, though, she enjoys a lovely straw mat on a studio floor. "So you know the streets of Rome," says Rodrigo excitedly. "You live among the Common People!" She's says "Fine," and in thirty seconds time, he says,

I wanna live like common people,

I wanna do whatever common people do,

I wanna sleep with common people,

I wanna sleep with common people like you...

Well else could she do? She goes, "I'll see what I can do."

And then he lays a long kiss on her cheek just in time for Ascanio Sforza (who has stolen Alfonso's bowl cut) to think he's witnessing something super gay. Victor/Victoria smirks some more. "Come to view our Roman treasures?" says Rodrigo, Vanna White-ing. "Etruscan, I would wager," says Cardinal Sforza, unimpressed. "Wow, cool story, Bro," says Rodrigo, unimpressed. Sforza is also unimpressed with the newly-hewn David, for some reason, and even LESS impressed with the state of the treasury. And he's least of all impressed with Pope Alexander VI. So Rodrigo's out of touch with the commoners, and he's out of touch with the clergy... Rodrigo is IN touch with zero people.

Meanwhile, Esmeralda has taken Romeo to a great suggestion of Il Balcone di Giulietta, where several Giuliettas are super down to be Lucrezia for him. Eventually, they realize Paolo is actually seriously trying to hunt down Lucrezia Borgia, The Actual No-Bullshit Lucrezia Borgia, which is hilarious to them. Less hilarious to Paolo, who gets a bit shirty about them all implying that Lucrezia costs a lot and storms away. And I'm just like, better plan, I'm finding myself a cute Italian boy and telling him my name is Lucrezia Borgia and living that lie, because the only thing hotter than Paolo's pronunciation of Lucrrreeezia is his pronunciation of Borrrgia. 

Meanwhile, Cardinal Sforza is trying to get it through Rodrigo's iron skull that they are OUT of MONEY. Hey? Hey guys? HAVE A GARAGE SALE. The Cardinal goes so far as to attempt a little illustrative analogy - "Cardinal Piccolomini's hair." "Getting thin," says Rodrigo. "He's bald," says Sforza. And Rodrigo's like "For my scapegoat, I choose... YOU! Do something about it! I'm busy! I'm schmoozing the common people! I was BORN one!" And Cardinal Sforza's like,

You came from Spain, you had a thirst for knowledge,

You came to Rome to join the Cardinal's College,

So don't pretend. You're not their friend.

I love how just nobody has respect for Pope Alexander anymore. But Rodrigo actually keeps a level head through Cardinal Sforza's condescension, daring him to go on a nighttime walkabout with him. Sforza literally laughs in his face and tells him that everything he wants to do is stupid. Ascanio, your haircut is stupid. Have a garage sale.

Back in Umbria, the nuns have scored a Capuchin monkey. Actually! And his name is Julius Caesar.

Esmeralda is still trailing Paolo, apologizing, still trying to figure out a way of squeezing some ducats out of him. Paolo once again reveals how far out of his depth he's swimming - "Must you so debase yourself? ...Better to starve, I'm sure." And he says all this totally sincerely, conversationally. Not because he's actually that dumb, or over-religious; he's just an innocent. He's an innocent who is lucky enough to have the love of Lucrezia Borgia, and unlucky enough to have the love of Lucrezia Borgia. Another thing Paolo can't believe: class divides, their very existence. With all this wealth, how can anyone starve? "There is wealth, of course, but we starve, whilst Lucrezia Borgia dines on a silver plate. With a fork!"

[Sidenote: Ohhhh, so forks ARE a new thing. I spent a significant amount of time last season trying to figure that very thing out. Too little too late, SHO.]

"I'll bet Lucrezia Borgia dines with a fork of solid gold," quips Esmeralda. Smash cut to:

Lucrezia Borgia ACTUALLY dining with a fork of solid gold! Wow! That blew my mind the first time I saw it. Because, you know, she said that thing hypothetically, and then it was totally true, you guys! Anyway, it's a proper family lunch, the topic of conversation being a lot of self-congratulation about the success of the festival. Segue-ing into a snippy little debate on the Chain of Being. Juan is totally into the Chain of Being. Rodrigo's more of a humanist, chortling that if you take away all of Juan's cool toys (the Gonfalonieri-ship, Gandia, his "filigreed codpiece, har har har") he'd be one of them. Juan is less than amused. Rodrigo once again proposes a walkabout, daring his sons to join him. Juan is pretty against it. "Our saviour did," Rodrigo rebuts. "Yes, but he was not the Pope, was he, Father?" Well well, SOMEONE'S sounding a bit Lutheran today.

Cut to: Victor/Victoria lacing up Giulia Farnese's unfiligreed codpiece, while she does up Victor/Victoria's vest. For they're both playing breeches tonight. Lotte Verbeek was crafted in a lab to play a breeches role. I'm so effing glad the show went in this direction. I now understand with absolute utter clarity why Renaissance audiences were so obsessed with women in men's apparel on stage. These women are so beautiful right now that I'm deliberately stretching out this paragraph just so I can keep the episode paused on this image.

But of course, Rodrigo's gotta bust in with his giant burlap cloak and walking stick. "Ragazzi" (boys), he purrs. They all look really pleased with themselves - as well they should.

Oh look, homeless people! The trio walks the gauntlet of the disenfranchised poor, Rodrigo loudly wondering how people can "live like this", until someone notices Giulia Farnese's nice shoes and grabs at her. Rodrigo draws his sword and they scamper away, only to be followed by a woman begging for alms. She holds up her baby, which we all know is Rodrigo's weakness - thus amplifying his horror and revulsion when he realizes the woman's baby is dead. "To bury the infant, then," she calls without missing a beat. "A grave costs money, even a pauper's grave."

Giulia and Rodrigo contemplate how the ancient Romans were said to maintain order in their streets, providing water, building aqueducts and all that. Now, not only is that not a thing, but the city is overrun with pigeons, which is causing Rodrigo to slowly flip his shit. Victor/Victoria (their tour guide for the evening) guides them into a former bathhouse, which is now just a flophouse, a shelter for Rome's orphans (and mice and pigeons). Rodrigo is not really loving this Whole New World. "There is an entire branch of the Curia dedicated to charitable works," he sniffs. "But its bounty never reaches them," says Victor/Victoria. Ooh, relevant.

The Ragazzi decide to make a pit stop at a tavern, where they get caught up in a game of... dreidel? Something like it? Plump wenches dance arrhythmically on tables and patrons sing some drinking song that sounds way too much like Gregorian chanting. Rodrigo furtively assigns Giulia control of the bookkeeping, and to himself, the pigeon problem. Whoever fixes their problem first wins. Way to stack the deck, Rod. That tragic dead baby incident is forgotten as the Ragazzi win a bunch of chump change.

For some reason, the Umbrian nuns are packing Dellaro and Julius Caesar into a rolling sick bed for transport to Rome.

Rodrigo sits down for a conference with Cardinal Vesucci (formerly Cardinal Nose, or Rabbit-Baked-In-Milk), who has been in charge of public works for two decades. He and Rodrigo chuckle all nostalgically for about two seconds before Rodrigo slaps him in the face with his newfound social responsibility. "And the Cardinal has built himself how many palaces?" "Three?" says Vesucci with absolutely no hesitation, clearly missing the point. "The poor will always be with us, Your Eminence." Hey, Vesucci, even Jesus sounded like a dickhead when he attempted that rhetoric. Don't even try it. It should be noted at this point that Juan, and now Vesucci, both assume that Rodrigo's speaking in riddles whenever he tries out his new leftist rhetoric, which I'm sure doesn't tick him off at all.

So Rodrigo sentences to comb through two decades of financial records (slap number one), under the supervision of Giulia Farnese, vagina owner (slap number two). Giulia doesn't even waste a second on his misogyny, hitting him right away with "The Florentines have developed this new accounting software that you'll never be able to figure out because you're OLD." And just like that, Giulia Farnese is Vesucci's boss. And Vesucci's life, presumably, is changed. In like three minutes. It's exciting.

Meanwhile, Rodrigo is busy working on his end of the bet - he's called in a falconer to help with the pigeon problem. Of course Rodrigo knows how to falcon, he's badass. As soon as the bird is released, the pigeons just scram. Piece of cake. Rodrigo wins.

Somewhere between Umbria and Rome, that really bombshell-looking nun leads Dellaro's mule cart through a picturesque vineyard. Two field workers notice and block her way. Dellaro, who's been whittling, looks up with interest. The workers (who are wearing these boots that I would snap up in a heartbeat) start mumbling about her beauty and the value of her load, which is rustic Italian for "Imma rape you and steal your shit." With an unspoken agreement, one decides to investigate the cargo while the other gets a head start on the raping - that's the second habit to get ripped off in one episode! Borgias, you excite me. Two seconds later, both assailants welcome sharp projectiles into their chest, courtesy of Giuliano Della Rovere, who hasn't even moved from his reclining position. Remember how handily he pinioned that bumbling assassin to the confession grate last season? I think this is him realizing he's a great talent with long penetrative things. This is him deciding to not have others carrying out his carnage for him. "Sometimes, goodness needs the help of a little badness," he says to the nun by way of explanation. The nun crosses herself, retrieves her habit, and rolls on.

Outside the Vatican, Esmeralda is letting Paolo watch and learn as she tries to drum up business in like the cutest way: leaning seductively against the wall, boosting her cleavage with her hands, running her tongue along her teeth, and making little sexy baby noises at passing clergymen. Paolo's just sitting by taking it in good-naturedly. Until, that is, Lucrezia comes strolling out! With Juan! Oh, Juan's always so sweet when he's alone with Lucrezia. He's escorting her to a fountain to make a wish for her little Giovanni (I cannot for the life of me figure out why she would name her child after her rapist ex, but what can I do). A train of the smiling poor builds up behind them. Lucrezia flicks her coin into the fountain and silently makes her wish,  staring into the reflective surface so we all know exactly what she's thinking. Calmly, Paolo slides into the frame, so for a moment Lucrezia has no idea whether she's dreaming. She looks up to where her love is standing, solid flesh. "Narcissus," she breathes. All Juan sees is a commoner standing within defiling distance from his lovely pure sister, so before much else can go down Paolo's ear-deep in the wishing fountain, Lucrezia standing there shocked and panicky. It's a really sharp scene - Juan's moving really fast, filled with protective rage, and Lucrezia is fighting to keep a clear head despite SO many distractions - "Oh my God, it's my one true love whom I thought I'd never see again!" "Oh my God, my psychotic brother is trying to kill him!" "Oh my God, I can't let on that I know him or my psychotic brother will kill him 50% faster!" "Oh my God, Juan's actually going to kill him!" So Lucrezia's preferred debate style - slow, measured logic - is kind of useless, which means she has to talk REALLY REALLY FAST to get her rhetoric across. "Donotruinthisdayformedearbrother! Andletthecommonerkeephistongue! Hemayneedittoexplainhisimpertinenceinthefuture!" Somehow that word salad manages to get through to Juan, so Paolo lives to speak another day, and Lucrezia hints at him that if he's by the fountain at midnight, she will also be by the fountain at midnight. And it won't be a coincidence. It's super sweet, especially since there was a moment when it looked like Lucrezia might have just refused to acknowledge him and sent him back to Pesaro empty-handed.

On her knees, Esmeralda spits politely while a black-robed clergyman lays a coin in her hand. "Oooh, thank you, kind Father," she coos while he walks away. Paolo comes striding up, hair drying in spikes, big goofy smile on his face, bene pendentes swingin'. "I've seen heaven," he grins. "So have I, from a different angle," Esmeralda quips. Ew. Paolo calmly reveals that Lucrezia has promised to meet him, and suddenly Esmeralda believes him. Tears spring to her eyes while her saucy wench act melts away. "Paolo, you just made me cry," she accuses playfully. He affectionately wipes away her tears  and she embraces him like a sister. "Just promise me you'll be careful, hm?" she implores, staring intently into his eyes. Good golly, she's a proper Hooker With A Heart Of Gold!

This scene was magical, and it's all due to the acting. It was a scene practically designed specifically for the cutting room floor - 100% synopsis, no revelations, nobody gets slapped - and I'm sure the crew that day felt like they were basically filming it specifically to round out the cut scenes reel, but it just turned out so much better than it should have. All due to gold-star acting. I really like this trend (I think it's sort of a trend) in these big costume drama series of including one story line that is, for exactly one episode, unabashedly and ecstatically romantic. Last season, The Borgias proved itself as a series that would never intentionally shy away from plot complications or the crueler, grittier perspective of each scenario, meaning that when they decide to go schmoopy, it will always be with the utmost integrity. "For this little window, things will go right," they say, "because we aligned the stars to make it possible."

Rodrigo joins Cesare and his Faramir wig for lunch, wondering aloud whether they can get any sort of intelligence operation going in Naples. They take a moment to shout-out Alfonso, whose death they're pretty fine with, although Rodrigo still thinks Alfonso and Lucrezia would have made a good team. DON'T TEASE ME. Ah, I see why they worked in all the lovey-dovey shit between Paolo and Lucrezia - to distract me from mourning my sunken ship! Ugh, fine. I'll take it. 

That evening, Lucrezia kisses little Groombaby goodbye before heading out across the grounds. Juan follows in his own Faramir wig, looking angry. I hope Lucrezia's not shocked when she finds out that he untangled her cunning scheme. But no time for snark, because in the empty square, Paolo stands fingering a coin, and Lucrezia steps out into the opening, and they can maintain casual conversation for about two seconds before: "Oh, Paolo, is it really you?" "It is no-one else, my Lady." And then they're all over each other in literally the prettiest way I've ever seen in my entire life. They won't kiss, they won't even press their bodies together, but their foreheads touch, and they play their hands over each other's bodies almost tentatively. It's as though even the barest contact is almost too thrilling, almost too much to bear. Very well-played. But Lucrezia's already trying to be practical - "But... you know, my love, it is impossible. Have you not yet read your romances? I know - I know you still cannot read." it's a bit of a downer, but Paolo's still really enjoying the moment.

Esmeralda's tall friend joins her at her eavesdropping spot behind a pillar. "It's a bit past her bedtime, isn't it?" Esmeralda shushes her; she's loving every minute.

Paolo's not just here to drive Lucrezia up a wall with romantic longing. "I would see my son before I die," he begs. Lucrezia implores him not to use the "D" word because that's probably what's going to happen to him if he sticks around Rome. "If there is any kindness in your Borgia blood," he begs (weird phrasing), "You will let me see you with my son before I leave." I guess Lucrezia isn't going to take that Borgia blood thing as an insult (even though it's a really weird choice of words since the only other character to use the phrase often was Sforza the Rapist himself). No, now Lucrezia's remembering that the last time she saw Paolo, he'd just risked his life for her. "Were you not whipped, Paolo," she asks hesitantly. "My back was at your husband's mercy," he replies, and she kisses him even as she starts to cry. The kissing, can I just say, is totally worth the wait - they're so incredibly into each other, and the lighting is rad, and the camera work is rad, and the sound mixing (i.e. slurping noises) is also rad... They totally give themselves over to the kiss, letting their minds dissolve into the ether of the kiss. It's like every single nerve and function in their bodies spontaneously re-routed into their lips and their hands. Their whole raison d'être right now is this kiss. The whole series has built up to this kiss. And there is absolutely no reason to ever stop.

"Oh lord," says Esmeralda, completely hypnotized. The wenches wonder aloud if that's actually what Love looks like, that strange phenomenon that is talked about in songs and plays but never seems to actually occur in the beshitted streets of Rome.

Lucrezia concedes to fulfill Paolo's wish the next night if he pinky-swears that he'll leave Rome right away. He agrees, though he still sounds a bit skeptical of the danger she talks about. Waaaaayyyy in over his head.

Juan is lurking in the street, absentmindedly playing with the coins in his pocket. It's a hooker clarion call! Esmeralda's friend sidles over to him, wondering if those coins are a present for her. Juan starts pressing her for details on the kissing teenagers, and she finally realizes how she can get her hands on the coins. "Some country bumpkin, father of her bastard child," she obliges. Juan ends up hiring her as a spy, which means she "needn't lift [her] skirt tonight," because this episode is sponsored by the Poor Abused Whores Lobby.

Lucrezia returns to check on Giovanni, but instead of his wetnurse, there is surly Cesare! Lucrezia doesn't look unfrightened to see him in her room. She decides to tell him the truth about Paolo, but makes sure she's on the other side of the room when she does so. That's not Cesare's worst-case scenario, though, so they relax into a more comfortable hash-out sesh as they speculate how Juan, who you'll remember has that little issue about illegitimate fathers, would choose to mutilate Paolo's body. Cesare, who has actually managed to about-face from creepy corner-lurker to totally normal and not-at-all creepy brother, resignedly offers his sneaking services to Lucrezia, and he promises her one night alone at Vanossa's house if she'll promise that it is indeed going to be a one-night only deal.

Paolo waits nervously by the fountain when a red out-of-focus blob sneaks up in the background. He plops a stone in the basin to get Paolo's attention. It's obviously Michelotto. Paolo jumps. Michelotto stalks around him, hobbit-riddling: "Who you waiting for? Someone prettier than me? You saying I'm not pretty?" Outcome A: He's the fetcher. Outcome B: Cesare decided the whole thing was silly and decided to off the kid, making it look like he stood up Lucrezia. He would. But the scene ends with Michelotto leading Paolo toward the house, and he's not dead yet. Someone - Juan's spy wench - watches from behind a pillar.

Cesare leads Lucrezia up Vanossa's staircase. Vanossa' really into this whole intrigue thing, even though she concedes that Rodrigo is "the Pope of love", and thus wouldn't fault Lucrezia too hard for her little tryst. I love how she put that, and it's totally true: for all his several and varied faults (a list which I would be happy to make in the future), Rodrigo is just totally in love with love. No matter how poorly he treated Vanossa, he NEVER stopped loving her, which is why I think she is able to accept Giulia Farnese so graciously. Cesare leads Vanossa away. Will Paolo come? Or will Lucrezia just sit up there with the baby waiting all night for a lover that is currently bobbing in the Tiber?

Michelotto throws open an alley door for Paolo, which he moves to enter very timidly. Michelotto stops him with a firm hand on his shoulder. "Tell me: love..." he whispers earnestly. "What does it feel like?" "It hurts," answers Paolo simply. "Ah, like life, yes?" And then he lets him go. Looks like Paolo's gettin' it in tonight, in a sexual sense rather than a stabby sense! "Like Michelotto," Mick adds after Paolo's gone, before crossing himself enthusiastically and shutting the door. It's a cool moment even thought I have absolutely NO idea what he meant by it.

Some strapping chap greets Paolo at the top of the stairs. The camera pans up his body, deliberately concealing his face. Option A: Cesare, to lead him to Lucrezia. Option B: Cesare, to kick his ass down the stairs. Option C: Juan, to kick his ass down the stairs. After it's revealed to be Cesare, there's this long pause before the show selects Option A, and Paolo gets to snuggle his infant son. "My baby, let me hold him," he practically weeps. "He's the most beautiful thing I've yet seen!" OH I LOVE IT.

Hey, who's seen Pillars of the Earth? Show of hands? Dudes, consider it recommended. If you love The Borgias... if you love David Oakes but think Juan is a character too measured and reasonable... if you love idyllic romances and sweet babied reunions after long, hard separations...

Vanossa and Cesare watch them go, promising each other to keep it a secret. Option A: Let's keep this tryst a secret from Rodrigo and the rest of Rome. Option B: Let's keep Paolo's impending doom a secret from Lucrezia - could Vanossa be in on a murder plot?

Meanwhile, in a sick haze of candle smoke, Rodrigo is riding Juan to pick a wife from a row of portraits. Rodrigo's losing patience. Juan's angrily dwelling on Lucrezia's common lover; he mumbles some slag about Rodrigo marrying her off to a commoner, which causes Rodrigo to finally snap and drag him to his feet. "Is that wine going to your head!? Look, stop drinking for a while and make a choice," he orders, planting Juan in front of the row of portraits and storming out.

Lucrezia holds up a sleeve for Paolo to slowly untie.

Juan storms into Lucrezia's empty room, checking the empty cradle. "Sister ssslut," he snorts.

Paolo lets down the golden ropes of Lucrezia's hair, pulls her slip off her shoulder, kisses it. One of her breasts pops out beatifically. Then, they're on the bed, down to their undergarments, rediscovering each others' bodies. They've never had this kind of freedom before. She knots her leg around him. They're blissfully entangled.

Meanwhile, spy wench is gazing at the open window, chewing on a [something]. A shadow appears behind a hanging sheet. "Fuck off, whoever you are," she intones. She's REALLY proud of not having to "fuck" tonight. We know she's in immediate danger because the shape behind the sheet is revealed to be Michelotto.

Juan stumbles drunkenly across Vanossa's courtyard. Michelotto gets Spy Wench in an advantageous half-grip - she tries to keep herself firm, but we all know she already lost - and when she confirms that Juan is indeed her employer, Michelotto drags her behind the sheet. We hear a struggle; then a crack. I guess Cesare didn't have it in for Paolo after all. But Juan? Juan totally does.

Lucrezia and Paolo have commenced to the teen lovemaking, all rosy-cheeked and nubile and lovely, when there's an angry knock at the door. They pause, nervous.

"Were you expecting visitors?" asks Cesare. Vanossa wasn't. He grabs his sword and goes to investigate.

He acts relieved upon finding Juan in the courtyard, but we can tell he views Juan as kind of a worst-case scenario in this situation. He sort of tries to Jedi mindtrick him into leaving - "Ha, you're so drunk you thought you still lived here! Oh, you little imp. Home's that way. Go home and eat something. Or drink more. Whichever. I literally don't give a damn." But Juan knows all about Paolo - though he doesn't let on that he knows Paolo is currently inside [his mother's house with] his sister. Cesare breathes a sigh of relief and manages to convince Juan that Vanossa will be less than impressed by his current state.

Lucrezia and Paolo have forgotten about the door knock and are back into it, being so so pretty and so sex positive and lovely. Of course, little Groombaby starts to cry. I actually have a problem with this part of the episode: it's pretty clear that the baby is crying out of pain rather than regular baby needs, indicating that they probably pinched him to get the response, which does not sit well with me at all. Of course, I have no doubt that this production adheres to all union rules, but it's still disturbing.

Anywhooo, the important part is that Juan can hear the crying, which Cesare tries to pass off as the cry of his pet doves. But when the camera pans away, we see that the only doves in sight are "ex-doves", if you will, because one of Rodrigo's falcons KILLED THEM ALL. "Screeeeee," it cries, and flies away.

Lucrezia and Paolo O in beautiful slow-motion. Lucrezia's hair swings like a wild horse's mane. It's so wonderful. Total womanporn. I wish the world was always that lovely.

Oh, right, there's an ugly side to tonight's tryst. Michelotto drags Spy Wench's body around the side of the house, pausing as he hears Juan and Cesare storm by. Juan tries to get an admission of brotherly love out of Cesare. Chezzie can't quite bring himself to lie. Cesare will cop to loving his family; but when Juan brings up the family name, he falls silent. As they rove out of sight, Michelotto continues on his merry way.

Lucrezia must regretfully hustle Paolo out of the house. She's in tears as he promises that he would die for her. That's exactly the opposite of what she wants, and he respects that. It's interesting: Paolo has a very open mind about dying for intangibles, such as his love for Lucrezia, and Esmeralda with her chastity, and earlier in the recap I posited that he could only speak thus because he's an innocent, he hasn't had his values tested against true suffering yet. But just now, I remember that he's actually experienced torture for Lucrezia's sake, so he doesn't speak without precedent. I wonder if he's always been so firm in his convictions, or whether the torture actually galvanized him. Anyway, he'll do his best not to die because Lucrezia couldn't have it, and anyway, where there's life, there's hope. Lucrezia promises to write; and at long last, she asks Paolo to learn how to read. He smiles, and turns away, and Lucrezia can barely wait until he's out of earshot before bursting into tears. I wonder if she knows how much danger he's in.

They grey dawn is a terrifying time to wander the city. As Paolo marches through stone archways, skirting the homeless, he notices two men on his heels. A chase erupts, but ends in seconds - Juan is blocking his way, holding a noose. Paolo begs to be left alone. "Suicide," sneers Juan, "a sin even the Pope can't forgive, because dead men can't confess. Can they." he loops the noose around Paolo's neck and drags him away.

Meanwhile, Michelotto finally arrives a a lake outside the city. Christ, that must have been a hard night for him. He dumps the body and gives her a push-start toward the current.

Lucrezia feeds and soothes little Groombaby. Paolo's beautiful body hangs by the neck from a bridge, turning slowly in the air.

See what I mean? Allow me to start throwing things. Djem - MURDERED. Alphonso - DONE IN. Paolo - BUTCHERED. Gian Galeazzo - SNUFFED. Altar boy - SLAUGHTERED. That sweet Aztec boy from episode 4 - PROBABLY DEAD OF THE COMMON COLD. These story lines are great, full of pathos, and I don't regret their existence, but oh my god, this show's creators have a kink about slaughtering young males! Gioffre is not safe!!

Credits.