Girls Ep. 3, "All Adventurous Women Do"

Scene 1:

Charlie has shaved his head. He breaks it to Marnie as a surprise. She is understandably enraged. "Whooooooo-whee," he hums awkwardly. "You look scary to me, like Mickey Mouse without the ears. Why are you doing this!?" It's in support of someone at the office who's starting chemo. Marnie yells at him for making her look like an asshole.

Hannah emerges from her bedroom, all gothed-up, posing, purring, "How do I look?"

"You look like you're about to put a hex on some popular girls," says Charlie. Hannah's like, "All right, American History X".

Marnie wonders why everyone in her life looks scary. Ha. That's nothing. Sometimes I have goth days, and on those days I tend to wear concealer as lipstick to really affect that White Walker look.

Scene 2:

Adam pumps iron. Hannah calls him and sexily orders him to come to the window. He's a dick to her until he sees her. "Oooh. You look awesome. Come the fuck upstairs. You should know that if you come up here I'm going to tie you to my bed for three days. That's just the kind of mood I'm in." Ok, that was kind of funny.

Scene 3:

Jessa is wearing a floor-length, completely see-through lace mumu with a bikini underneath. Shoshanna timidly suggests that, while gorgeous, it might be a bit "threatening" for a babysitting job.

Scene 4:

Adam plays with Hannah's stomach. She hates it. He asks her if she's "tried" to lose weight. He asks if she "eats for fun". Because he eats for fuel - when his eyes cloud over, that's how he knows to eat. She obligingly compliments his body. He tells her to feel his fat. "You'll feel less alone if you feel my fat." She pinches some skin. He thrusts his crotch into her face. Her phone rings.

I mean, I just hate Adam in this scene. Don't you?

Scene 5:

A sweatshirt-wearing, frazzled but loving mom bids goodbye to her daughters - "Mommy is shooting." Cool mommy. "She's making a documentary about people who used to be rich and now they're homeless. That can't just happen to you. You make choices," says her beautiful redheaded 8-ish-year-old Lola. Beatrix (5-ish?) wishes she were homeless. Her mom reminds her about their prior conversation in which she explained that it's "not like camping". Mom spits out a few suggestions for activities (including proofreading Lola's novel - Jessa startles a bit but Mom whispers that it's a "novel", really cute but only 10 pages) and kisses her girls goodbye. She's wonderful. Busy mommy.

Scene 6:

It was Hannah's gynecologist on the phone. "She was calling with some news about my, uh, vagina, so..." Hannah, drumroll has HPV. "Fuck, I'm so sorry," says Adam, hugging her. "Are you sorry because you gave it to me?" says Hannah into his chest. He's mortified. He got tested last week. "My best dyke friend works for a dick doctor, and I don't have that shit."

Hannah: "Will you still have sex with me?"

Adam: "When it's appropriate, sure."

Then he starts doing bicycles on his bed. "Can I hug you goodbye?" "I'M BUSY."

Scene 7:

Hannah calls Marnie and breaks it to her. Marnie immediately bursts into tears. "It's just so unfair, Hannah! You're so careful about sex, and you're like nervous, I just figured that with people who are really scared of flying, their planes don't go down. It's just not how it works!"

Hannah figures it's her college boyfriend Elijah who's the culprit. Marnie's unsure, based on his... unfuckabilitiy? But the only other person Hannah's slept with is... a girl? Right on, Hannah! "She's always, like, liking my facebook statuses. It's such a weird aggressive move, it's like, 'Oh sorry I passed you an STD, but I enjoy your quirky web presence.'"

Snuffling, Marnie asks if she's good for the rent. "I HAVE PRE-CANCER," Hannah screeches, and hangs up.

Scene 8:

Lola reads Jessa her novel in a makeshift tent while Jessa massacres a string cheese. She's wonderful with kids... like, calmer, totally serious, totally adult, but really, really friendly. Probably because she's such a child herself.

So what's the deal with the string cheese? Is that pregnancy cravings? I bet you Jessa's still pregnant. I BET you.

Scene 9:

Hannah's stopped at Shoshanna's $2100/month bachelorette pad to change. Hannah is depressed and jealous that Jessa has a job. Shoshanna's watching a game show called Baggage, which Hannah's never seen - "Shut. Up. No. Way. Get. Over. Here. Now." Premise: One bachelor. Three bachelorettes. Each 'ette has three suitcases, little-big-medium. E.g., Little: expensive weave. Medium: preemptive wedding dreaming. Big: pokes holes in condoms. Yeesh.

Shoshanna asks Hannah what she's put in her baggage. Hannah starts to answer, but Shoshanna clearly had an answer prepped and interrupts. Little: IBS. Medium: "I truly don't love my grandmother." Big: "I'm a virgin... obviously...." Hannah smartly points out that soon she's going to have sex soon, so that doesn't count. So true. But Shoshanna's unconvinced.

I have this argument with my Girls-watching buddy as to whether the show is dealing with Shoshanna's virginity crisis in a realistic way. I say yea. She says nay. What do you think?

Hannah's baggage: Little: Unfit for all paying work. Medium: Just bought four cupcakes. Big: HPV. Shosh: "Do you have any warts?" Hannah says she hasn't seen any, but she hasn't plumbed the depths of herself so she can't be sure. "Oh, it's like much less bad then," says Shoshanna, before spilling that Jessa has HPV "Jessa says All Adventurous Women Do."

Shoshanna thinks Hannah should tell Elijah. She's very convinced of it. Hannah's worried they'd end up having sex. Shoshanna: "Yeah, but like that's OK, because you both already have HPV."

Hannah: "God, that's a really good point..."

Sometimes virgins are really astute. Clarity of sexual vision?

Scene 10:

Marnie moves through the hippest gallery show ever, sipping a drink, looking amazing - magenta cocktail dress, hair in these Pantene commercial waves. The gallery owner Reese demands tit-tape from an assistant and then furiously pimps Marnie out to the artist, Booth Jonathan. She leaves, and Marnie, acting all fake-mortified, starts flirtatiously apologizing. "Try and give less of a shit," he counsels.

Scene 11:

Hannah waits at a freaking beautiful bar, sipping wine. Elijah strides over, extremely goodlooking. And gay-sounding. They hug happily. He asks if she's lost weight - "I mean if I have, it wasn't intentional. I think people just remember me fatter," she says nonchalantly. I've said the same sentence verbatim. Elijah news: he is now assistant to a "Curator of Dance". Unpaid, but could very well lead to something. Ha. She talks about her book of essays, working title: "Midnight Snack". He's awkwardly not a fan of the title. "I mean, you know, there's lots of titles."

Hannah launches: "I did not bring you here to retread old territory emotionally... I"m more open to it physically..."

Elijah jumps in: "It's true. And I hate that you found out through the post-Collegial rumour mill..."

Anyway, he's gay. His lover's name is "Bo". Hannah: "I didn't know that."

Elijah "doesn't say 'gay'", which he explains while Hannah's lip trembles. "I'm fine," she squeaks. "What I'm having right now is an inappropriate physical reaction to my joy at your self-discovery."

Elijah tries to make himself feel better by comparing his own journey to Hannah's exploratory nature.

"I do explore," she squeaks. "I mean, right now I'm seeing this guy and sometimes I let him hit me on the side of my body, so..."

Elijah is mortified. "It's great... that you're... seeing someone."

Scene 12:

Booth Jonathan drags Marnie across the street to some lookout structure. Marnie fights to keep up in her heels. "Do you ever come here with like a book and some friends?" she chirps. Then she mutters, "That's a lame suggestion." Anyway, the lookout is locked. Booth Jonathan curses, and then shrugs it off.

Booth Jonathan: So, do you live with your boyfriend?

Marnie: No. I live with my best friend.

Booth Jonathan: Is she cute?

Marnie: No!

Booth Jonathan: Burn!

Marnie: I mean, yes, she's cute, but I'd never let her near someone like you! I mean, you usually hook up with french girls and models, right?

Oh Marnie, you blind horny thing. What we have here, kids, is a giddy girl instinctively quashing any notion that there might exist a woman that Booth Jonathan would prefer over Marnie, under the guise of protectiveness for Hannah. "I have an ugly best friend," Marnie is essentially saying. "She's a really sweet girl," she's saying.

Then Marnie goes with her gut and tells him, smilingly, flirtatiously, regretfully, that she's not going to kiss him. She sticks by it, even though he teases her about it - "To Assume makes an Ass of U and Me." Then he backs her up against the rail and growls:

"But I want you to know, the first time I fuck you, I might scare you a little. Because I'm a man. And I know how to do things. See you later." And then he just leaves her with that. What she's been wanting to hear for ages.

Scene 13:

Marnie storms back into the gallery. Beelines for the bathroom. Locks the door. Leans up against the wood. Yanks up her skirt. Reaches down her tights. Has a little pants party.

Hey, I wonder if Brian Williams watches this show...

Scene 14:

Scruffy Dad comes home and introduces himself to groggy Jessa. He asks how everything went. "Bea is so cute," she raves. "You know, she fell over and I kicked her in the head trying to get her up? She's so resilient." Ha! That's the kind of thing that an experienced parent would laugh at and an inexperienced parent would fucking freak over.

Jeff has just gotten home from a friend's terrible rock show. He offers Jessa some weed, like, immediately.

Scene 15:

Elijah: "Are you asking, did I always want to have sex with men? Yes. Are you asking, did I think about it when we were together? Yes."

Hannah still doesn't quite comprehend how he could have had sex with her when he knew he preferred men. He replies, "There's a 'handsomeness' to you... Alright, maybe that wasn't the best..."

Hannah snaps that he maybe could have figured this out when they were at liberal arts college, which was naturally overrun with gay men.

So Hannah angrily takes this moment to break her little HPV news to him, citing Adam's test as proof that he gave it to her. Affronted, Elijah goes, "There IS no test for men. And your boyfriend would know that, had he even taken an intro level to human sexuality workshop."

Hannah refuses to be talked down to, since she's the hurt party in this scenario. He pops Maya Angelou: "We're only as blind as we want to be." 

It's that, the suggestion that she should have known, that really throws her for a loop. "This fruity little voice that you've put on is a new thing," she snaps blatantly. He gasps gaily and asks if it's about his scarf. "It's about your tone of voice, it's about your mannerisms... if you had been this gay in college, I would have known. Because I have two eyes, two ears..."

Then Elijah insinuates that he father is gay. Hannah is offended. But... yeah, I kind of see it.

"It was nice to see you. Your dad is gay." And then he leaves.

Scene 16:

Jessa and Jeff snack. She asks what he does. Then figures out that he's unemployed. He asks what she's going to do with the rest of her life. Then figures out that she has no idea.

Beatrix groggily stumbles into Jeff's arms, which seems to seriously bother Jessa, since she's gone in about twenty seconds. Daddy issues? Or just stoned?

"Daddy? Why are you eating my school snack?"

"Well, sometimes Daddies need snack."

"Well, you're not in night school."

Oh, I hope and pray Jessa doesn't get inappropriate with her charges' father. But you know what? "Scruple" is not a word in her vocabulary. So probably not.

Scene 17:

Now, my Girls-watching buddy texted me soon after watching this episode with the following message: "Oh my god. Hannah's tweets. They are your tweets." So... I guess... you're about to find out a lot about me? (Speaking of which, @BenevolentClick. Come on guys, I have like 8 followers, help a sister out!)

Hannah's tweets:

how often do you think a guy is looking at you with love eyes then realize he's special ed/traveling with a caretaker. i've done that thrice.

just poured water on some perfectly good bread to stop myself from eating it. ate it anyway. BECAUSE I AM AN ANIMAL.

First attempt at new tweet: You lose some, you lose some.

Hm. Too cryptic? Too downer? She starts again:

My life has been a lie, my ex-boyfriend dates a guy.

Then she says fuck this noise, turns off the floaty girly pensive music, puts on some Robin, and starts bouncing. "All adventurous women do." Positive. Empowering. Slightly false? Maybe. But it's the end of the day, and she's allowed to frame today however the fuck she wants.

Marnie gets home to find Hannah dancing like a champ. "Yo girl! Wassup! Oh my god, Elijah's gay!"

Marnie thinks it's funny. That's not the word Hannah would have used, but she should have guessed - apparently he only came about 30% of the time. They laugh. "He was gay!" they crow, because it all makes sense now. Hannah yanks Marnie into her bedroom to dance. The she clings to her. I cried a little the first time I watched this scene. Because, wow. When it comes to sound confidence thrashings, you could not develop a better course of treatment than a dance party and a friend.