Combat Hospital ep. 4, "Wrong Place at the Right Time" - Recap

"This is the best job ever." -Props Department

Lovely orange sunrise in the deserty distance gives way to the silly COMBAT HOSPITAL title card. But, and I know I haven't mentioned this before, I completely dig the theme music. I'm a sucker for middle-eastern percussion. It makes me feel kind of at home. Which is weird... must be a past-life thing.

Combat Hospital ep. 3, "It's My Party" - Recap

But more importantly, TIA CARRERE

Pederson snores like a trucker. Or like an elephant. Or like a foley guy standing in front of a microphone fake-snoring. Gordon is not impressed.

Then we get to see her with her hair down for the first time and finally she looks like Michelle Borth, like her sexy pouty hair-everywhere IMDb photo.

Then she's showering in a stall that only comes up to her shoulders. Kandahar is just going to keep looking more and more like summer camp throughout the episode. Especially when a nasty saucer-sized and depressingly CG tarantula inches its way over the shower wall to the strains of ominous horror-movie music. So, because Gordon is a chick and a military chick, she grabs her gun and shoots the fucker!

Combat Hospital ep. 2, "Enemy Within" - Recap

Pederson: "And how do you propose we get her onto the base?"

Gordon: "I propose we Wizard of Oz that shit."

The title card strikes me as being super cheesy to the point of hilarity - goofy font over a panoramic shot of the airfield looming ever closer to your eyeballs - reminds me of the opening credits of The Rocky Horror Picture Show except it's not a comedy. Wait, let me check Wikipedia... yep, apparently they think they're not a comedy, so I'm obliged to consider them as such. However hard it might be. And that silly title card isn't helping.

Combat Hospital ep. 1, "Welcome to Kandahar" - Recap

"Listen, kids, when someone as genetically perfect as me or as intimidatingly tiny as her tell you to mop the floor, you stop flashing your medical degrees in my face and MOP THE FUCKING FLOOR, ya hear?"

We open with urine on our heroine's hands. That's not a euphemism, it's simply a logical deduction - she is holding a pregnancy test; thus, there is urine on her hands. It's by far the most notable thing about this scene. Other tidbits include: according to the ambient noise she is clearly flying on a plane, she is wearing a flack jacket (that's what they're called, right?), and the whole shebang is about to touch down in Kandahar Province, Afghanistan.

True Blood Sneak Peek - RECAP

I'm doing this, y'all, don't even try to stop me.

You can call her MAAAB.

Click. Fzzzz. Choir of angels. And my whole body relaxes into the pure bliss and exhilaration of anticipation. Yes, it's only the HBO title card, and yes, I have in fact heard that sweet sweet symphony since that sad sad day in September; but hearing it once again at the vanguard of a brand new True Blood episode - well, it's like the Star Wars theme. Dime a dozen, right, crappy sitcoms shell out for it or the Imperial March left right and center as a fix-all and it's everywhere and you hear it all the time... but if you were to time travel back to nineteen-seventy-whatever and catch one of the first screenings of The Empire Strikes Back with all the crazy newly-minted Star Wars nerds in a time when nobody had been entirely sure there would be a second, and in a time when it looked like Harrison Ford had up and finished with the franchise, and the lights dimmed and that silent unassuming Arial-typefaced open-ended once-upon-a-time quietly faded in and faded out, are you going to tell me that you wouldn't have a mild heart attack upon hearing that first trumpet blast? Same basic principle.

The family that slays together, stays together.

Sooo, kids...

I've been feeling a little torn up over the end of our sweet, sweet time together. Allora, I have made a... TRIBUTE! Retrospective! ...Thing.

I present, your Benevolent Clicktator's YouTube debut.

It's, er, humourous.

Subscribe to my YouTube channel, I guess? I'll put other videos up... at some point?

Clicky out.

The Borgias ep. 9, Nessuno (Nobody) - Recap!

See ya later; Lucrezia Borgia got asses to kick and names to take.

Y'all ready?

Credits, and YO! Everything makes sense now! There's Rodrigo and Giulia's first awkward spider-man kiss; there's Michelotto snapping the shit out of a neck; there's Rodrigo walkin', there's Della Rovere kissin', there's Rodrigo holdin' a rosary, Giulia holdin' a lamb, Juan sexin' a Sancia, and Rodrigo manifesting in a puddle of ink. I am weirdly satisfied, as though I have completed a simple puzzle. And I am enjoying it, for I know henceforth that I shall never have a similar joy towards these opening credits again.

The French army musters. "Muster muster muster," says the Army in that strange language of clanking armour and vague hollering. Della Rovere coaches Charles on Deposition Theory; namely, as we've previously learned from Rodrigo and Dr. McP, that the whole College of Cardinals needs to show up if anything is to be accomplished. "I propose you offer ice cream cake," he suggests, or would if he knew anything about managing people. Giulia curtly warns them that the Cardinals have probably all done what cardinals do best - flown (geddit like the birds?) - but she might be bluffing. The torso-flinging cannon is being towed by honest-to-goodness yaks.

The Borgias ep. 9, Nessuno (Nobody) - Review

Call me crazy, but I don't believe I've ever been asked to strip down to my undies in my place of business.

Nessuno (Nobody). A title that is actually Italian for an episode that is actually good.

Nessuno (Nobody). A misnomer, perhaps, since one thing this episode did do was give us at least a tasty tidbit of everybody. (Except Alfonso, but he might be dead.)

Nessuno (Nobody). Maybe it's accurate, since the downside of squeezing in a wrap-up of everybody's storyline means that some characters get weak wrap-ups. For instance, Awesome Juan's wrap-up basically amounted to "he lived happily ever after schtupping his little brother's wife; Little Gioffre suspects nothing". And Della Rovere's wrap-up was that he got his ass handed to him by Lucrezia, but that's old news by this point. However, Giovanni Sforza's trial and declaration of impotency was so hilariously justified and I loved it. And Charles' dismay at having inherited a wasteland of corpses was just beautiful.

The Borgias ep. 8, The Art of War - Recap

That's a torso, y'all.

Stables. Night. Giulia Farnese sneaks around the corner holding a lantern in only the most appropriate sneaking clothes: a giant-ass fancy purple gown. I can't help but feel that some yoga pants or a good solid lycra bodysuit would have suited her purposes somewhat better, what with all the ducking and twirling that is often part-and-parcel of sneakery, but sadly spandex is a) not invented yet and b) rather out-of-fashion among wealthy Roman ladies. Paulo is conked out IN the stables, à la Samara from The Ring, so I guess we're now taking bets on when exactly he's going to go psycho and start butchering horses (or trying to have sex with them, one of the two). Giulia gently shakes him awake; he reacts with the fear of a man who has been prodded awake in the middle of the night by a pretty lady dressed for the damn Oscars. "Are you The One?" she whispers. He nods immediately because the Oracle told him so. She threatens to hang him if he tells anyone about their clandestine boffery. "It would be a shame to maim that body of yours," she says, creepily, like some sort of Disney villain (how creepy would that exchange be if the genders were reversed?) and then orders the horses. Paulo watches her go through sleepy squinty eyes. Man, have you ever tried to saddle horses on two hours of sleep? Me neither. But it's gotta blow.

The Borgias ep. 8, The Art of War - Review

Holliday Grainger has got ALL of our noses.

Last season ended with Lucrezia being PREGGERS, Y'ALL. So, by the law of historical dramas, Lucrezia will either give birth one episode later OR during something that historically happened two years later. And, since there was no panicked belly-clutching to be seen this episode, it's gotta be the latter.

AND IT'S CESARE'S BABY.

(Not.)

(But I wish.)

No, it's not Cesare's baby because the man is still forcing us to suffer through hella inane angsty Ursula scenes that are not so much awful as they are f'ing POINTLESS. You know, I could almost forgive awful? Because at least that would mean they tried. But why waste your time, your actors' time, your crew's time, and most importantly MY OWN PERSONAL TIME shooting and editing a scene that goes NOWHERE and does NOTHING? Nobody had sex. Nobody died. Waste of time.