Combat Hospital ep. 4, "Wrong Place at the Right Time" - Recap

"This is the best job ever." -Props Department

Lovely orange sunrise in the deserty distance gives way to the silly COMBAT HOSPITAL title card. But, and I know I haven't mentioned this before, I completely dig the theme music. I'm a sucker for middle-eastern percussion. It makes me feel kind of at home. Which is weird... must be a past-life thing.

Buzzed Head Guy walks into the computer bay. Hannah goes "HEY HEY HEY" really frighteningly. Buzzed Head Guy makes a crack about being better at golf than Tiger Woods and there's no adultery jokes whatsoever. Hey, remember 2006? Sigh.

Alert! Alert! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern load a foil-wrapped patient burrito into a waiting truck.

While scrubbing in, Bobby asks Too Much Makeup about their plasma situation. She says they're good to go. "SWEET," he replies, frighteningly.

Out of nowhere, Rebecca gets way too antagonistic on some poor unsuspecting orthopedic surgeon's ass. It's kind of shocking.

Rebecca: "Here's my impersonation of an orthopedic surgeon, ok? Mmm. Hm. Ok. Yes, it's broken. Ok. Bring me the hammer and screws, please. Oh! Oh no, I can't fix it. Bring me a saw."

Genetically Perfect Royal calls her nasty ass off and asks them to please resume doctoring. The patient is all fucked up in the legs and is apparently Romanian. Hustle, bustle. Then the poor persecuted orthopedic surgeon kneels down and starts wrenching at his leg and the Romanian's like ARGH!

Remember when Callie used to do fun things like straddle the patient and pop their hips back into place before she became the unofficial central character and full-time lesbian of Grey's Anatomy and ceased doing any medicine at all? I wish she'd straddle more patients and pop more hips back into place.

Dickish British Simon is whining at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to take him on a ridealong so they can drop him off at his farm which is conveniently on the way. His business?

Simon: "I have to talk to a man about a thing."

Simon: "My tenants haven't signed their lease yet."

Simon: "I have to harvest my melons. That's not a euphemism."

Guildenstern: "Weed. It's weed. You're growing weed and you want to harvest your weed. From your weed farm."

Simon: "I SAY!"

Rosencrantz: "There's a full acre of giggle grass in the southwest corner."

Simon: "I DO DECLARE."

Guildenstern: "We know everything. Has that - sorry, has that not been established yet? Or were you just not informed? Because we totally do. Know everything."

Well, naturally, G & R agree to it, because they are wise. They know that the best-case and most probable outcome is a very loud Xavier Marks chewing-out directed at Simon, and perhaps even a public one at that. And there's really nothing I'd rather see.

So Simon trots off all jauntily and calls Rebecca "The Beautiful Rebecca", which is sort of cute. And I'm being fairly sincere. She notices his unusually jocular attitude and he calls back "ADVENTURE!"

Remember Chuzzie's Big Adventure? That didn't go so well.

And, liftoff! Off they go on Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Simon the British Dick's Big Adventure!!!

Into Marks' office walks the rotund, cheerful, and wholly incompetent handyman.

Guy: Are you mad at me about the generator?

Marks: No.

Guy: The smell?

Marks: I can deal with a little smell. I let you into my office, didn't I?

Buzzed Head Guy, Awesomely: What smell?"

Marks: Give me your arm, I wanna take your blood pressure.

Guy: You want to take my... blood pressure.

Buzzed Head Guy, Awesomely: Is there an echo in here?

Long-ass uncomfortable silence follows, during which time Marks determines that Guy does NOT need a CAT scan. Which is good news, because SCANNER. BROKEN. FIXED BY VANS. WHO IS SEVENTEEN.

Guys, I just remembered Vans isn't even in this episode. That's some ol' bullshit. Considering in my humble opinion they should really just retitle the show "Vans' Big Adventure" and go from there.

Guy: *The pitiful bleats of the meek who has inherited the earth.*

Marks: Just make sure we get it before the end of the war.

Me: YOU HAVE FIVE YEARS. WHEE!

Beebeep! Beebeep! Beebeep! Buzzed Head Guy hands Bobby the file of a VIP patient, strategic ops, who needs to be in and out in an hour. Which I'm sure will happen. Haw. Haw.

So the conference room is a sad affair. Exposed wiring through uncovered wood panels, sexy plastic sheeting, idle ladder, and about three square inches of space around the drab table and conference phone. But, awesomely, they probably build it on the flip side of a functional set by stapling a plastic sheet and stealing a conference table from the writer's room. A guy with black hair, a Good Ol' Boy accent and CRAZY EYES guffaws about his crippling insomnia, "nothin' that a few sleepin' pills wouldn't fix."

And then he simply will not stop throwing out red flags. Such as, "That's right, you go ahead and put that in your report, I'm not hiding anything." And, "A prescription, and you'll never see me again. So..." And, "I just can't remember the last time I went to sleep."

I like this man a lot. You know why? Because they stole him from True Blood. Not that I have any evidence, but just look at him, listen to him, you know it's true. They chloroformed this man, threw him in the back of an unmarked van, and drove him from Malibu to Toronto without stopping. And when he got to Toronto, they spun him around a few times to keep him disoriented, calmly explained that he would be playing a vampire stationed in Kandahar, and completely prohibited his access to any and all media and communications from the outside world.

In his place, perhaps they left Janina Gavankar.

So Bobby plants red flags like the Minesweeper champ we know he is and then runs off presumably to find The Unpleasantness.

She's on the phone. Bobby asks her super politely to check in with True Blood. And upon second viewing, I think they might be fucking. Which could be cool.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern laugh at Simon's glaringly apparent and extremely painful motion sickness and give him all sorts of pointers on where not to vomit. His pain is pleasing to me. So you can imagine my glee when the guy piloting the thing leans back and announces that things are about to get rocky. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern grab onto some convenient outcroppings and Simon closes his eyes and thinks of England. With the glee of a thousand Sadists at a quit-hittin'-yerself convention, they have the following conversation:

Guildenstern: "Hey, how were those burritos today!?"

Rosencrantz: "Yummy! With greasy cheese!!"

Simon: *gurgle*

Them: HAHAHAHAHAHA

There's about thirty casualties, and the population of the chopper unanimously agrees to go save some asses. "Are we exploring our options here?" bleats Simon, who doesn't count.

Pilot: "You ever seen that movie Black Hawk Down?"

Simon: "No, can't say I have. Gurgle."

Pilot: "Oh, you'll love it, it's one of my favourites. It's about a Black Hawk that goes Down."

Simon: "I will fuck you up. I will cut out the part of your brain that controls your sphincter."

Pilot: HAHAHAHAHAHA

That guy that always sits next to Hannah is called Evander, which is cool. And Hannah's got GOOD news! "Just got a call from the Canadian field hospital." New scanner!? Marks does a hilarious "gimme gimme gimme" motion. "They wouldn't confirm it, but they said, 'You guys are gonna thank us'." It will NOT be a new scanner. Just sayin'. This show's so predictable in its unpredictability.

Unpleasantness walks by with a clipboard and Marks confirms that a) she's going to administer to Trueblood Crazyeyes, and b) that she landed them funding for the women's clinic. And whoever's dishing out the funding is being kept in the dark that it is a women's clinic. I guess this is "funny".

Trueblood is twitchy and can smell a psych from a mile off. He jumps and gets defensive when Pederson walks in, and then throws a bone to us the dumbass viewers by going all "Psychiatrist. Or psychologist - which is it, I can never remember the difference." She confirms that she is a psychiatrist, which means she's gots the drugs, and he becomes notably more pleasant. Which is even more frightening. Because--

Trueblood: "When they send you to the Wizard, it's never a good sign... down the Yellow Brick Road and all..."

I'm in love.

And then he insists he's "right as rain", which is a statement that has never ever been uttered truthfully in fiction. It is the alliterative simile equivalent to the surname "Jenkins".

Romanian has blown a pupil!! (Sidenote: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.) Rebecca jogs all over the place, ponytail bouncing, to get this latest shit taken care of, and everyone's pretty sure he'll need surgery. BRING ME SIMON THE DICK. But we the omniscient audience know this will lead only to wacky hijinks and nothing else.

In walks a bleary-eyed southern gentleman type with a little too much polite confusion checking up on Trueblood Crazyeyes. His CO, presumably. I think he knows god damn well that Trueblood is destined for the military loony bin, if such a thing exists, and his bewildered politeness is actually code for "keep that fucker away from me ya hear!?"

Pederson A-ha!s Trueblood Crazyeyes, hereafter known as Schmandy Bellefleur, into admitting that he's been on medication before. To treat his Mom-diagnosed "ADD or ADHD". Don't you just hate awful parents? Then he says something sketchy-sounding about not wanting any rumours starting. Then he pulls out a cigarette and very politely asks to light up in a hospital.

Pederson: "I'm using my polite voice right now, but you should know that I am secretly judging you like a gold-medal olympian in ladies' judging. And, no."

Schmandy Bellefleur - or I guess he's actually a pretty fortuitous cross between Andy and Terry, don't you think, so hereafter known as Tandy Bellefleur - grimaces and stares at the open flame for a bit before taking the cigarette in his hands and sighing with the disappointment of a thousand seriously mentally disturbed people.

Then things get weird. I've watched this bit like three times and I've been forced to admit that this show actually did something really cool and real. Because throughout this meandering monologue about loose lips sink ships and "careful what I say, just in case", I was sure that at some point the blaring message the show wanted me to pick up would pounce out at me. Some grand commentary on the military, or the war, or the state of soldiers. But what I think it actually is, is an extremely well-written and -acted rare moment of candidacy of a manboy raised in an environment of fear revealing the quagmire of his inner psyche in a way that makes perfect sense to him, but only sets off serious alarms in others. And Tandy Bellefleur knows what he's done. "You're just letting me dig my own grave here, aren't you, Ma'am?" And she goes, "Yes, it is my job as a psychiatrist and Dementor. SKREE."

And then, slapping that good ole boy southern charm back on his face, he grins bashfully and helpfully suggests she let him go back to his unit. Except it's more like he begs her. And when people beg for something charmingly and calmly, DO NOT EVER LET THEM GET IT. So she brings up the word "Polar", which I think stands for "batshit fucking insane," and he chokes out "...some soda... all this talkin'..." and she just LEAVES HIM THERE. Come on, Unpleasantness, Vamp up.

While staring pensively at the Romanian, an epiphany strikes The Beautiful Rebecca and she suddenly figures out that Simon is so not performing brain surgery today. She runs off to get the shit sorted and Royal calls after her, "IS HE OFF THE BASE!?"

He's off the base and fussing over a bloody hunk of unconsciousness. He's a little bit hot when he's being all medical and competent. But then:

Pilot: "Hey English! It's RC South! They're looking for you at the hospital!"

English: *sigh* "OhKAY!"

The latter utterance is heavy with the feigned enthusiasm of a thousand hungover parents at their small child's soccer game.

Rosencrantz: "Five bucks Marks didn't clear him."

Guildenstern: "That's a sucker's bet."

The cool thing about Hannah is that her last name is Corday, which is immensely exciting to a French Revolution nerd such as myself and a large part of why I always talk about Hannah even if her job in a scene is to yell "HEY HEY HEY" to Buzzed Head Guy. Anyway, she relays Simon's current location to Rebecca.

Rebecca runs off to sort this shit out and passes Pederson in the hallway. She greets her as 'Major'. Pederson greets her as 'Beck'. Given Pederson's clear disrespect of our heroine, I don't even feel sorry for her when she enters the conference room with Tandy Bellefleur's soda and finds him, in the words of Minvera McGonagall, having "done a bunk". We all saw that coming.

Well, except Tandy Bellefleur is doing that thing where you stand beside the door so you're hidden when it's opened. It sounds sillier than it looks, especially as he glares off into middle distance and defiantly lights a cigarette.

When Marks is informed about Simon's whereabouts, he barely skips a beat. "He'll have to talk us through it." And Rebecca's doing the surgery. She curses and goes off to put on her neuropants. Now there's the problem of communication. Whatever the conventional solution is would take an hour according to that guy that always sits next to Hannah. And it's at this moment when Trueblood begrudgingly lays aside his commitment to acting like batshit and steps in to help - apparently he being Special Ops has knowledge of some neat commlink device or something and he can get it all arranged for them. You know how sometimes you just love a distinctly unloveable character? And then they do something nice for someone else and you suddenly want to marry them? Like how we all loved first-season Eric Northman but then he cut his hair and suddenly he was in all our dreams?

What I mean by that is, his haircut was him doing a nice thing for our eyeballs, which I think still counts.

But then Marks and Pederson step out of the room and have a private moment wherein they realize that the dude is completely fucking bananas and whatever he's suggesting could very well be code for "blow the chopper out of the sky". But what choice do they have?

Suzie holds up the speaker up and rolls her eyes like she's way too old for this shit. Which she's not. And Simon gets immensely distracted almost immediately with his own ground-meat patient and some enemy fire that seems to be sending them into log rolls. With impressive forced upbeatness - the same brand that I might use when, say, waitressing an understaffed and way way over-capacity shift where my options are either make loud and stupid jokes or collapse in a puddle of exhausted anguish - he gets her as far as "drill four holes in the shape of a square" and then he takes a short, violent puke break. "I'm fine, It's just sound effects!"

Watching Rebecca mark the drill holes makes me want to have the experience of drawing on freshly-exposed bone with a magenta sharpie. It looks like it would make a very satisfying sound. Like drawing on an egg but firmer and with more surface area. Perhaps I should have kept this to myself. Anyway, she very nervously starts drilling, and the horror movie background music starts up.

Tandy Bellefleur, dangerous and angry: "You got cold eyes, anyone ever told you that, Ma'am?" Pederson's like "Oh yeah, television recappers tell me that all the time." "You got the coldest eyes in the world. One day someone will set down a judgement on you. Smash your life up, steal your dreams..." And then tearfully: "What's gonna happen to me, Ma'am?" Well, Pederson commends him for helping to set up this week's major plot point. Sorry, I meant, "helping to save a man's life". But she ominously admits that she'll need to lock the door on him. "Now don't go slashing through the plastic wall, ya hear?" she doesn't say.

I think I'm missing something. If I'm missing something, could one of you help me out? Because I think they're just sort of telling us that he's off his rocker without going into specifics, but if there's some subtext I missed - like if he's a kiddy-diddler or something - then let me know? This whole plot line is so very Tennessee Williams.

Oh look it's a brain! Well done, Rebecca! Simon instructions are peppered with helpful tidbits like "his is unforgiving surgery" and "Yeah? Well try harder!" And Rebecca does not act on her urge to pimp slap Too Much Makeup for giving her the wrong forceps. And then there's Blood Pressure drama. And there's a lot of orders for suction. And then "Got it!" and then "Let's cauterize these babies!" Cauterizing sounds like the most fun. It's like there's a bleed, and then sizzzzzzz, and then there's no more bleed! I can't promise that I will not experiment with cauterization next time I prick my thumb sewing. Just kidding. I don't sew.

Marks is a bit pissed that Simon's hidden all his vodka. Graham (Hannah's desk mate) very subtly offers to look. Marks takes him up on it.

Bloody unconscious guy seems to be doing all right because he's being tinfoiled, in keeping with the burrito theme of the episode. Over the phone, Rebecca reports that they're closing up the Romanian's head. Simon goes "Awwwwww, I feel like having a cigarette! Was it as good for you as it was for me!?" Yes! Yes it was! (I'll pretend you were talking to me and not her.) Because Rebecca's having none of it. 

Simon: "Hey, you know why we love this job?"

Rebecca: "Don't tell me - because we're the best?"

Me: Go to hell, Beck.

Simon: "Oh no, I gave up on that fantasy a long time ago!"

Rebecca: "I didn't."

Me: Seriously.

Simon: "It's because... we're in the right place at the wrong time. Like a... existential paradox, isn't it?"

Awesome line. Totally misplaced. Man, that writer's room must be bone dry if that thing made it in. In other, better writers' rooms this would be uttered by the meek little recent liberal arts grad and all the other bigger impressive writers would look at him/her and fondly and go, "That's really beautiful, sweetie. Maybe keep it for your diary." But it sounds super impressive in this show.

Then there's an incest joke and a weird attempt on Simon's part at a hick accent that kind of veers sideways into Gay Best Friend territory. It's fascinating: "Yee-haw! Yo mah sisturrrr!" And then Marks is like, "I'm here and yes I just heard that."

Filling the obligatory thirty seconds of "Let's all dump on Rebecca", Marks acts all disappointed at her for not using her telepathic link to Simon that it is apparently her job to have. Rebecca has at this point realized that Marks firmly doesn't like her and there's nothing much to be done about that, so she mostly just rolls her eyes and slouches and acts moodily agreeable. And this is the moment where I start to love ol' Beck as a sister. Because we've all been there. Unless you're a total goody two shoes, in which case, you're not welcome on this blog. Please leave.

I'm kidding. You can stay. I need the web traffic. But I still don't like you.

I mean, of course Marks calls her back before she stomps away to congratulate her on her surgical brilliance, but she already knew that.

Pederson rather regretfully reports to Marks that Tandy is going to need medication, treatment, and to go home. It's clearly a blow to the army, given his job. And the tender way Pederson says "Thank you, Marks," makes me think they might be fucking.

Maybe Pederson's just fucking everyone.

I still feel like I'm missing something with regards to Tandy Bellefleur. Bipolar disorder? Is that it? Is that all? Because they're acting like he kills people often, and frequently, and embellishes his underwear with his victim's toenails.

In roll Simon, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. "Sorry about your farm," says Guildenstern. "I had a horrid time," says Simon. "You turned me into a tattletale, you Dickish British Guy," says Beck. "I am duly chastened, you may whip me with your stethoscope," says Simon, awesomely. Beck storms away. "Oh come on," says Simon.

There's Bobby! Where the hell has that guy been all episode? I missed him like the dickens.

The CO, who has a strangely Plantation-esque demeanor about him, enters all politely bewildered into Marks' office. His name is Rudolph. Marks whips out that hot pink tube we all know and love: Simon's vodka! After absolutely the bare minimum of staunch regulation-citing, Rudolph accepts a tumbler. There's clinking and way too much sighing, and then Marks drops the bomb: "We're gonna have to send your first lieutenant home."

Rudolph doesn't really resist, in that he doesn't even try to protest that Tandy Bellefleur is anything but a ball of whack. But he does sort of regretfully mention that not only is this guy from a total military family starting with Civil War. ON THE WRONG SIDE THEREOF, I'm willing to bet (hot damn, the States are confusing for many reasons). And he's always done everything by the book and wrapped in the sweet fibres of the flag. But he concedes that there will come a day when Tandy Bellefleur will place his underwear over his head and start running around thinking he's a Jedi in a roomful of Stormtroopers and if that happens in the middle of combat, it's just gonna suck on a "dead humans" scale. And he insists on being the one to tell him.

The actual telling is filmed The Office-style through the conference room blinds and with pretty piano scoring in place of audio, so we really get to relish in Tandy Bellefleur's terrifying face falling and looking so so sad. Sometimes this show is good.

Tandy shakes Marks' hand when he leaves but walks right by Pederson while resolutely not looking at her. Pederson seems a little bovvered. So does Marks. It's all very strange... so different from the usual revolving-door mentality we see towards patients.

Graham reports an incoming appendectomy (seems so poetically prosaic, no?) and Marks sighs heavily and fobs it of on some other doctor. Then he announces that he'll be shooting shit, and if they see Simon could they please send him to get shot?

Simon knows.  He intercepts Rebecca on her way to her bunk and tries to get her to feel simpathy for his impending getting-shot-ness. She just tells him not to wear body armour. Then he tries to charm her. And she Protegos that shit. He looks after her wistfully. Man, can Tia Carrere speak wisdom or what?

"You have your weapon?" asks Marks as Simon heads into the danger zone. Of course not, he's a civilian. "I'll shoot for you."

Simon: "Are those vodka bottles?"

Marks: "Yeah, looks that way."

Simon: "Are they full?"

Marks: "I think so."

Simon: "Hold on hold on, are they my vodka bottles!?"

Marks: POW. Vodkabomb.

Simon: "Argh!"

Simon desperately tries to apologize. Marks replies by shooting. Simon begs him to stop. Marks replies by shooting. Simon starts to fall apart. Marks replies by shooting. Simon just stands there moaning with his hands over his ears. It's fairly sad. And Simon might be about to cry. Which is a good time for Buzzed Head Guy to show up and announce that the scanner's here! Or, if not the scanner, something about the size and shape thereof! Marks claps his bud over the shoulder and they saunter off to make medical history.

The cast has gathered to watch the scanner roll in. They're excited. It's like they're watching an eclipse. And then a truck trundles by with a gaudy orange trailer reading "Poutine Chateau", adorned with a fat chef.

Despite the weird and ignorant and slightly tragic grammatical construction of the phrase "Poutine Chateau", THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN A SCANNER!

Well, nobody onscreen thinks so. Except Beck gets it. Sort of. "It's comfort food for Canadians," she deadpans, her inner glee betrayed by a small smile. "Maybe the scanner's inside the Poutine Chateau," says Rosencrantz hilariously. "Huh?" says Guildenstern hilariously.

But it's a happy ending, because Marks and Rebecca suddenly notice that it's silent. No planes or choppers or screaming children. And then for chrissake it's Poutine time.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat the fuck out of a poutine. Perhaps with extra cheese.