Combat Hospital ep. 2, "Enemy Within" - Recap

Pederson: "And how do you propose we get her onto the base?"

Gordon: "I propose we Wizard of Oz that shit."

The title card strikes me as being super cheesy to the point of hilarity - goofy font over a panoramic shot of the airfield looming ever closer to your eyeballs - reminds me of the opening credits of The Rocky Horror Picture Show except it's not a comedy. Wait, let me check Wikipedia... yep, apparently they think they're not a comedy, so I'm obliged to consider them as such. However hard it might be. And that silly title card isn't helping.

A sweet-looking blonde exits a bunk, casting ferrety glances both ways before she runs off, doing up her jacket as she goes. Dammit, this woman is supposed to be military. Does sex eradicate one's stealth training? Isn't sex kind of supposed to be stealth training? Well, regardless, or perhaps irregardless, who should follow her out but Simon Hill, DBG himself, who hollers something before smashing something across the airfield with a cricket bat. So here are my questions: a) is she in such a hurry because he was chasing her out with a cricket bat? b) If not, then why was he even holding a cricket bat? Were they... oh god... using it? c) So presumably we're going to have to watch him trot every single squeamish English stereotype, including but not limited to: i) he has veneers, ii) not only is he an Arsenal fan but his younger and more vulnerable years frequently saw him defacing Man U property, and iii) he went to Eton, and then Cambridge, vehemently disappointing his landed family who had all gone to Oxford since his great-great-whatever Grandfather had been handed a minor estate for services rendered in the Great War all those years ago?

Anyway, his Cricket-batted projectile clangs off a container that Gordon happens to be jogging by. Then a Jeep comes out of nowhere and she throws herself into a pile of sandbags, anemically whining "Jeez, run me over, why don't you?" She needs to work on her rage. Or maybe the actress needs to work on her acting. Also, who goes for a casual jog on a airfield? Isn't dangerous driving kind of what's supposed to happen on an airfield? And don't they have a gym?

A presumably Afghan someone yells "Shava shava! Racka racka!" ("Derpa derpa!") and runs inside carrying his I suppose injured friend. The carrying guy is all in black, and the injured guy is all in white, so it all just looks super biblical. Trang directs them toward a bed. He's burning up. Trang orders vitals. There's a nurse/doctor wearing way too much makeup. Mr. Diagnostician Man calls Rebecca over and asks her to diagnose the weird rash over the injured guy's bicep, shoulder, and pec. But she hasn't seen anything like it either, so I guess it's acceptable that Mr. Diagnostician Man can't diagnose it? There's lots of swelling, especially in the armpit, so my thoughts go immediately to "Black Plague OH MY GOD" but I know they've already done it on Grey's and House and probably also ER and Scrubs and St. Elsewhere and MASH and in the pilot of several other medical shows that never made it to air so it would be irresponsible for them to do it here, and they won't. The Afghan guys that came with him are worried and shouting and gesturing, so Gordon calls for a Terp to kick their asses out, but carrying guy understands English so he obliges and the worried guys leave. Upon realizing he speaks English, Gordon lays into him for almost running her over and not getting not-black-plague-guy in sooner. As for the former, fine; as for the latter, blah-blah-blah, and what if they were all mid-desert à la The English Patient and they couldn't even "GET A FUCKING CAR" until it was approximately this much too late? Trang tries to reign her in but she's enjoying yelling until carrying guy speaks semi-perfect English and ripping off his headdress and she blanks and goes "You're American?"

Well, I'm glad he actually is American, because otherwise it would be very awkward. There are several reasons he might not be American; one of them is that he still looks vaguely Afghan even without the headdress and it's not unheard of for foreign men to learn very good English, and the other is that he still sounds like he has an accent. But then again when he spoke Arabic he sounded like Jabba the Hutt, or The Rock trying to speak Ancient Egyptian, or little Caesarion trying to speak whatever the court language was in Hellenistic Egypt. (Ancient Greek, I guess, with a growly twist.) He sounded silly, is what I'm saying, and he still does. Especially as he screams at the doctors for packing ice into his friend's pits and groin. Hasn't he ever seen a medical show, crissake? Also he's bleeding all over the floor from a cut in his arm. He's not winning any prizes, except maybe the Hotness Award. He looks a bit like a hot Jimmy Smits. (Whom I met once, by the way, at TIFF. He asked who the autograph was for, so I said it was for me, but then he went "Really?" with a very knowing look and I caved and admitted it was for my mom. He nodded resignedly and signed it to her and I'm sorry, I don't know when this became about Jimmy Smits. Moving on.)

Vans, wearing a VANS shirt, jumps up from his computer and tries to run when Marks wanders by the computer bay, but Marks catches him and admonishes him for what is apparently the hundredth time for using the computer. Well, given that he's probably using it to Google such current pop culture paragons as the Stadium Arcadium album and the trailer for The Departed, I can get where Marks is coming from.

Questionably American Guy tries to follow his friend into surgery, but Gordon yanks him back and sets about taking care of his arm. His accent is round and kind of nice in a sort of Native American way. She's still pissed about him nearly running her over, but it's become more of a gentle ribbing, which is what happens when the guy who nearly ran you over turns out to be hot. His friend's name is Hamasa and they only realized he was sick when he passed out and flipped the truck. She introduces herself. He can't do the same. I thought undercover people had things called "aliases" that they generally used, instead of riling up a bunch of suspicion by going "I can't tell you" when asked for their name, but maybe Hot Undercover Guy wants to incite that much more interest from Hot Doctor Lady. She calls him a Snake Eater with a bit of derision in her voice, which is I think unwarranted because his job sounds awesomer than hers. He suggests "George Washington" and "Lord Byron" as possible aliases for her use, which she dismisses respectively as "too presidential" and "preTENtious", so he settles on Joe. Which she likes. Then he tells her that her eyes are amazing. Lonely desert men only ever want one thing, don't you know. And the reason he dresses like an Afghan is because he's training and fighting with the Afghan National Army. "His privilege," he calls it, which is nice. She finishes cleaning his arm and tells him "We're done," à la Lucrezia Borgia Sforza. But there wasn't any counting.

Rounds in the Ready Room. As Trang delivers his report, the cute blonde horribly unstealthy soldier from before nudges Gordon's elbow and passes her a note, which she passes on to DBG with much eye rolling. I must also roll my eyes because come on. DBG passes a note back to the blonde, also through Gordon. Marks catches her and tells her off, which I support. DBG tuts at her. Marks gives them all one last reading assignment from The Colonel, head of US trauma or something, which I guess is important, and then sends them on their way with a gleeful "Let's Rock And Roll!"

Later she marches up to the picnic table where the blonde and the DBG are presumably eating. "Thanks for making me look like an idiot during rounds," she smarms. "Our pleasure, happy to oblige," he dicks. She's looking for Bobby and then she and DBG get into a kind of friendly banter about coffee, which the blonde cuts short kind of rudely. "Weren't you looking for Bobby?" she snaps in an accent that might be vaguely Russian, or Scandanavian, or Polish or anything else thereabouts. Gordon throws a "well excuuuse me" face and moves on, calling out "Good Luck!" DBG thanks her. She was talking to Beverly, which I guess is her name. DBG doesn't think she likes him. That makes Beverly happy. Is she jealous? "Hell yeah!" Oh, honey.

On the other end of the "women's troubles" spectrum, Trang and Gordon sit down to discuss the results of her women's troubles test. Everything is fine! "I MISSED my PERIOD." "It's not that uncommon," he truths, and then gets the "str" of "stress" out but then she snaps "don't say stress" and cites her night shifts at Miami General with a cold sore and the flu and her regular period as proof that stress is not an excuse. Ok, but were you in the most dangerous province of arguably one of the most dangerous countries in the world at the time?

Well, I guess that's one way to describe Florida. Badum-CHING.

He asks if any other signs pointed to preggers, and she starts giggling about how she "didn't think it was immaculate conception" or anything, she had sex, and Bobby starts to sweat, and she goes off on herself about how it was stupid and no protection and thought she was in lurrrrve. And he dumped her at her favourite restaurant because he thought she wouldn't make a scene, but he was wrong, she made a scene, and now she can never go back there, *sigh*, did that answer his question?

Well, no, because he's a doctor, not her damn girlfriend. But no, no other symptoms. "Then there's nothing wrong with you. You're just not pregnant." "Nothing wrong with not being pregnant," she agrees. Then they both get hit with a 911 page and obligingly run right by Marks, who watches them go and then says into the telephone, "I'm sorry, honey, I'm going to have to call you back." Aw.

Genetically Perfect Nurse updates them on just how fucked Hamasa is. "Joe" stands by with an angry face on his already naturally angry face. Gordon pulls back Hamasa's gown and apparently the meds aren't working at all.

After the commercial break, Buzzed Head Guy comes back with the labs, everyone concurs on a bunch of stuff, Gordon once again defers to Trang's opinion as the as-yet-untested diagnostician, and then Marks asks Buzzed Head Guy to call in some dude named Dr. Tarzai.

Oh look, snuggle time. Beverly's pager goes off. BGD enthusiastically urges her to run off and catch her plane. She informs him that her plane is actually not until the day after tomorrow, so they have another night together! Which is a "Yay!" for her, and a "Oh sorry, I'm on call tonight" for him. And he's not available because he's got a bitchin' high stakes poker game lined up. But he'll see her around. She storms off to go be sad and misguided somewhere else.

As Gordon changes, that awful Australian hag happens by and smarmily asks if she's forgotton about their trip. She clearly has. Then it all comes screaming back to her, causing her to growl "fucking women's clinic bitch cunt". Has a women's clinic ever sounded like such an awful idea? Is l'Austrichienne actually making me a misogynist? I think she's trying. I don't know how much resistance to the idea of a women's clinic this Pederson woman has met in her life, but it seems like she's constantly programmed to defend and convince other people of this perfectly rational idea that no sane person would deride. You know what? When other people on this show start admitting how much of a bitch this woman is and start treating her as such, it's going to get like so awesome. Until then, meh.

Genetically Perfect Nurse bends over a patient, excitedly hypes "LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE," and then Houdinis the sheet off his leg. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, A RASH! Yes, indeed, the disease has spread to another patient's disembodied leg. And now we're deep into the quarantine story line that you're really not supposed to do until your audience gives a single runny shit about your characters or your world. But whatevs, we're here, it's queer, and we're all drinking Canadian beer. Yum yum.

There's lot of shounting 'n' shit as the lady doctors (ALL OF WHOM ARE SUPER ATTRACTIVE) tie scarfs around their heads and walk into an ugly dusty shack in which Sergeant Samizay is waiting. Then the show spends several hours further convincing us of the incredible benefits of a women's clinic. Hey, wouldn't ya know, I used to think that women (including me) could just go screw themselves, but now I might just be beginning to think that women and women's health might just be a wee bit important! Thanks, show!

Marks, GPN and Buzzed Head Guy are all standing around shooting serious faces at the Psoriasis-esque leg. Apparently he was not ever in the same ward as Patient Zero. "IT'S AIRBORNE," gasps Dustin Hoffman. "RAAAAGGHHH!" screams the monkey. "Derpa Derpa, Jihad," screams "Joe".

Gordon is examining an Afghan woman in a beautiful pink gown, obviously all covered up with an ugly blue burka. Actually, I'd always thought that Burkas were just sort of mass-produced scrubs-esque things, like those modesty aprons they give out at European cathedrals to slutty tourists showing their knees, but this one is all silk-lined. Maybe it's just the colour that gave me that impression. Anyway, the woman's name is Afsoon and she's got swollen - whatever it is under your jaw that swells, hers are swollen. A peek into her mouth confirms she's got an abscess on her tonsil. Gordon asks Sergeant Samizay to relay that she's going to need to go back to base for surgery, but Afsoon recognizes the word "base" and worriedly insists that the base is not an option. If it gets back to her family, she could be killed. Oh, travel, it does broaden the mind so. Gordon just calmly asks her if she wants to recover, and Afsoon nods, tears in her eyes. So Gordon pokes her with a sedative. Immediately, like with the same breath, Pederson judges her for all of her previous actions. "But how dow you propose getting her onto the base? It's a huge risk." Gordon glances around the tent and her gaze falls on one of the guards. "I think we'll enlist Afsoon into the army." LOL! Zinger!

Vans is once again at the computer bay when Marks walks in. Vans leaps up and looks all sad/ashamed/sadshamed. Buzzed Head Guy steps in and informs Marks that Afsoon was just helping "Hannah" reboot some software. Oh, stereotypes, you do come through so sweetly. "Vans is not here to talk with IT. He's a translator. He translates Pashto and Dari into English. Now, I don't ever want to see him on this side of the desk again." Marks gestures in such a way as to be hilarious, and also to confirm that they envisioned the set arranged differently in the writer's room, considering there's not really a "desk" and no side of it that doesn't have a computer screen jutting out of it, and rewrites or adlibs aren't allowed on this set for some reason. Vans is sad and grumpy. Scrumpy. Buzzed Head Guy assures him that Marks will get over it. "Now make yourself scarce."

Pederson and Gordon drag Afsoon Westley-style into the van. Pederson does not know how to wear a helmet. She looks like a particularly ditzy Charlie's Angel. At the hospital, Gordon snags an OR and calls for an aesthetician, swearing that she'll have Afsoon in and out in under five. So no need to check with the boss man. I think that's gonna go great for her. But like, the opposite.

And indeed, by the time Marks wises up, Gordon is done. He's all weirded out as he informs her that everywhere's quarantined. "We can not have a free-for-all going on here." As she inspects the char-grilled leg of a recent electrocution victim, Marks harps on about her little stunt, and when they're out of the ER she comes back swinging, giving the preamble to what would have been a beautiful "I took an oath" speech, but when she gets into the "everything in my power" bit Marks comes back with "What do you think this is, roleplay?" HAH! and then hits the nail on the head: "You brought that girl into this hospital... without her consent, most likely. So, congratulations: you saved a life! Have a cookie."

I'm beginning to love Marks the most. He's filling a role I haven't seen in any medical drama thus far: that of a reasonable, good-hearted chief of surgery with excellent leadership skills. Who also cracks amazing and silly jokes like that one.

Anyway, he goes on for a bit longer until she's good and cowed, but her "Understood, sir" is a bit too cheeky for his tastes, so he threatens to personally escort her home, which gets a mildly less shirty response. Then he calms down a bit and gets her to go over he extraction plan for Afsoon, and then he points at her and goes "LECTURE OVER" in a way that doesn't really sound any different then had he said "LECTURE COMMENCING".

Joe beckons her over and she flops over next to him like Pepe LePieu following his nose. He tells her he just wouldn't have gotten caught. Whatever. "So, um, snake eater," she smirks, "how well do you know Colonel Marks?" Apparently even that is something that he just cannot divulge. Well, if he won't even give me a hint, I'm going right ahead and assume that he and Marks are former lovers, and I expect you all to agree with me. "You must be a blast on a date," she says. "Try me," he says. "Ohhhh, ummm, ok, um, ... ... yeah... um, we could go get something to drink...?"

SO, SO EMBARRASSING. THIS LADY IS BLINDED BY HOTNESS AND MYSTERY. WHICH IS HOW SHE WILL SOON DIE.

He doesn't drink, except chai. So she agrees to drink chai with him. Then they smile and nod like a couple of morons

Infected Leg Man is Tachycardic, among other thing that are not good news.

Pederson is hauling Afsoon down a hallway, ready to drive her home. Gordon checks her real quick in the middle of the hallway. She smiles sweetly and nods that she's all better. Gordon smiles. "Now go, before I get you in any more trouble."

"Joe" and Marks walk into some room. He alludes further to his and Marks' shared history by pseudo-promising to repay all his kindness sometime in the future. Marks is still super excited about Dr. Tarzai, talking about him like he's some kind of god damn Miracle Max of regional Afghan diseases.

A hysterical Afghan man sprints down the hall, folowed closely by Vans, who apologizes to Gordon and swears he told him she was busy. I can pick out the name "Afsoon" from his tearful stream, and I guess Gordon did too, because she looks at Vans with an oh-shit face and he oh-shittedly delivers "He says he heard what you did to Afsoon." Gordon starts falling all over herself taking the blame and apologizing and then Afsoon's father cuts her off and Vans starts to grin. "He thanks you from the bottom of his heart! For saving her life!" Gordon goes "OH!" and it's all really sweet. You know, I always assumed that the stories we heard of honour killings and what not were mostly just the cream of the awful crop of misogyny. But I also think this scene is a little bit propagandic. Not necessarily in a bad way, just... you know. It's super Canadian. But if being super Canadian means working your ass off to convince the viewing public to see common Afghanis in a different, more human light, then I guess it's kind of awesome.

GPN is thinking that double-amputation is the only way to go for Leg Rash Man. But he's too unstable. But he'll die otherwise. So... oh dear. But one cut scene later, Marks walks into the quarantined OR to find a freaking-out Trang performing CPR on a clearly flatlining patient. GPN and Marks gently and awkwardly convince him to call it, which he does, and the weird not-black-plague disease claims its first victim.

Debrief in the Ready Room. Hamasa is still truckin', but not responding to any treatment, so Marks orders everyone onto cleaning detail. 10% bleach. And as he starts assigning tasks, DBG just dickishly goes "Oh god, the mop thing again" and leaves. Which is just so, so dickish.

Beverly follows him out and tries to get in some smoochy-smooch in the lunch room, I guess? Dr. Dick pulls away and goes, "Are you following me?" "I wasn't... following you," she lies. "Ok, my mistake, see you later," he dicks, and tries to leave. So obviously she gets upset, prompting him to have to spell out that yes, in his mind it is super over. She asks if it's about Gordon. DBG says "I'm not her type." She swears at him and he tells her to grow up. It's sad. But she had it coming. Man, if I had a dime for every cute poor misguided girl I knew in college who put up with this sort of shit all for the sake of a pretty face... and I kinda hoped it would have ended, you know, post-college. But I'm starting to realize that it never, never ends. Beverly is more upset as I am, so she pulls DBG's vodka bottle out of the fridge.

Hamasa is gurgling out a dying speech, translated by Joe. Sum total: say goodbye to his family, thank you for trying, he's proud to have served. Joe is overcome. Gordon nods resignedly and holds his hand. "Tell him to rest," she says. Then Joe delivers the Speech of the Episode and I'm a big, big fan: "Out here you learn real fast, it's not the guns or the airpower that... that save you, guys like Hamasa... without him I'd be dead."

Oh, but here comes a van, and out walks a very kind-looking guy with salt-and-pepper hair and Afghan clothes. I feel better already! Later, we see him in semi-full Haz-Mat apparel, flitting around Hamasa and then fully taking off his face mask and SNIFFING HIM. "That's certainly not in the manual," says Gordon. Catchphrase - not working. "Dr. Tarzai wrote his own manual," says Marks. Tarzai strips out of his suit and meets them on the outside of the plastic curtain.

"I think I've nailed the bugger." I think I'm in love. "Judging by the distinctive odor [EW], the inflammation and the redness, it's [something something]." Common to the area, and a bit of a mystery. But "you won't lick him" [EW!] with whatever they're using right now, "he eats them for breakfast". I'm confused and I love it. He recommends something that Gordon thought "went out with the ice age". "Never to late for a comeback," he quips. Heh. Also is he Irish? Or Irish-educated? whatever the accent is I'm a fan.

Later on in the computer bay, Tarzai runs through his cleaning regimen recommendation: "A mosquito's eyelash can carry enough [whateveritscalled] to shut down the whole base... the skin rash? Vinegar." I'm with him there. Vinegar is the shit. "Mosquitos have eyelashes, sir?" says Trang gleefully. Then he dismisses them with, "Go, clean." Which they do. He barks at Hannah about who she gonna call, then sends a couple of airmen to the "southeast border" and when they're presumptuous enough to ask for any spot more specific Buzzed Head Guy chucks a file folder at them and orders them to "GO! GO! GO! GO!"

Which they do, joking about how they're going to end up somewhere with girls in bikinis and a casino. Prolly not. Just sayin'.

GPN walks down a hall where Trang and Gordon are in the process of bleach-scrubbing the floor. "I thought the mop routing was a joke," bitches Trang. Oh come on. YOU'RE IN A SOMETHINGSOMETHING-INFECTED HOSPITAL. I thought military peeps were good at following orders without bitching. Or maybe Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men is actually the best and most accurate representation, in which case we're somewhat screwed and I'm unsurprised this war has taken ten years to wrap up.

Whoops, here come inured people. Buzzed Head Guy yells at the stretcher-bearers to leave them outside. As the doctors triage, Marks starts ordering everyone to D-Fac. "What?" says DBG for our benefit. "You heard me, Dining Facility!" "Ohhh. Oh shit," says the viewing audience. GPN declares one of the patients DOA, and the music goes somber, but I have to imagine in their facility-less situation a patient who needs to treatment is kind of good news and I'm just sorry there's no one Christina Yang-y enough to say it out loud.

"I was thinking about ordering in tonight," says DBG, casting a wary glance around the mess hall. He's not so much worried about blood in his food, but what lives in it... did you know there's ten times more bacteria in our body than there are cells? That grossed me out the first time I heard it, but I've had time to process and rationalize it and I think I'm coming to grips with the whole thing. "Acceptance", if you will.

Hannah (I think this one's Hannah) hands off some results to Marks. Somethingsomething strain confirmed. In the event of a mass casualty... "I know, it's unthinkable," says Marks. "We'd have to turn away our own injured soldiers. Truth is, with this infection gone unchecked, we can't dispense anything more complex than a band-aid." OH SHIT.

As GPN and BDG carry stretchers down the hall, GPN suggestively mentions that he found one of his nurses crying and she wouldn't tell him why. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," dicks Simon. "You know, you can screw the doctors, and they can screw you too for all I care, but you leave my nurses alone," says GPN awesomely. Simon stops the stretcher parade to go "Whoa whoa whoa, are you talking about Beverly?" He is. Simon sighs like it's a superb annoyance and then tries to bring Royal around to his way of dickish thinking, which obviously won't work because Royal is Genetically Perfect. "Ok, if I was to promise you that I would never sleep around again, would you believe me?" GPN admits that he wouldn't, and that's the end of that conversation.

The two airmen re-enter with a backpack and act awesome. "Boo-yah! Caesar's palace, baby!" "Jackpot, sir! We got your meds!"

Hot Joe and Marks stare sadly at Hamasa as Marks drops the bomb that they're going to need to put him on a ventilator, which means inducing a coma, which means that might be the end of that, "that" being "Hamasa". Joe sighs resignedly. Unfortunately he also uses the phrase "there's no guarantee of a return ticket," which, I mean, come on.

Elsewhere, Dick Simon mops with all the purpose and enthusiasm you can expect from a snobbish asshole. GPN goes "Are you kidding me? Put some spirit into your swing, Simon!" As a seasoned stage-mopper, I have to concur. Mopping can be awesome if you attack it in the right mindset. And given that this mindset is something like "Riding a hospital of a virus that has sent us into quarantine", there really is no excuse. The awesome airmen whip out their cellphone cameras at the sight of the DBG holding a mop. "There is a god, and we get to live happily ever after," one of them says. Then DBG hold their viewing of some sports event on his TV hostage until the pictures get deleted. Knowing men and their sports, I assume that's enough of a threat to get the job done, which is infuriating.

Joe heads into the virus-y Hamasa zone, knowing he'll have to stay in there until (slash "if") Hamasa recovers. He sits by the bed, grabs Hamasa's hand, and delivers some more Jabba-sounding Arabic that's probably supposed to sound super heartfelt but really just sounds Jabbanese.

Marks and Tarzai are playing Backgammon. Tarzai, I think, is drinking whiskey. Then they're alerted that they have "a result..."

Hamasa's doing real good! Sort of. Trang mentions that Joe's going to have to strip down completely before leaving the tent (at which Gordon's like "yum"), and also he needs a sterilizing shower. "He looks like he could use a good scrub-down anyway," says Gordon with a little smile. Marks is getting it, I think.

Tarzai heaps some old-country guilt onto Marks: "If I had the luxury of an ICU I would never close it." "Eat! When I was your age we didn't have food!" "Sweetie, I understand why you chose to leave law school because you realized it wouldn't fulfill your life's passion. I had to drop out of law school too because World War Two started and I had to work twenty hours a day to support my entire family." And it totally works, every time. Marks reopens the ICU. Kids all over the world eat their grandmother's cooking. And prospective law school dropouts... drop out and then run off to teach English in Japan forever so they never have to face their sad-looking grandfather at the dinner table.

GPN tears down the plastic sheeting with the vigour and hotness of a Greek god tearing down a damn mountain. "Open for business, people," he cries with all the joy and dedication of a million World Vision poster children.

Elsewhere, Sad Beverly and the scary tiny Asian nurse lady are packing up her shit. Simon walks in and Beverly side-eyes the tiny scary lady out. Simon sits down and gives some bullshit monologue about how neurosurgeons are not programmed to do anything normal, such as treat their lady friends with respect, or mop. Well, going by other neurosurgeons I know (i.e. have seen on TV), Derek Shepherd is in a committed relationship and I'm sure he'd be fuckin' thrilled to mop a floor, but there are several other things about him that I find unsettling and frankly dickish. Maybe I just don't like neurosurgeons. Anyway, he condescendingly instructs Beverly to find someone who's right for her. And for fuck's sake, I think it works. She smiles.

Cut to Marks riding his bike down the hallway. Because an airbase hospital and the Disney animation studios have so much in common. Christ. He brakes in front of the computer bay and goes "Vans!" Vans was not at a computer, but he still looks cowed as he approaches Marks. Marks hands him a weirdly boxy laptop. "Is it broken, Colonel? I can try and fix it..." "No no, it's not broken. I want you to keep it." Marks dons his fishing hat, Vans crows "This is AWESOME," and Marks rides away. On a bicycle. Indoors. In a hospital. Whatever.

Oh, but then there's a lingering close-up of the machine gun on his back, which I guess makes the whole bicycle thing a bit more impressive.

Joe's sitting in a corner all smiley. "You clean up good," says Gordon. Then, pretty much à propos of nothing whatsofuckingever, she says "I always fall for a man in uniform." Then he tells her he's heading soon. So no Chai. He's taking a raincheck. Just until midseason, though. Then he's gotta go, but he'll catch her later - "For that cup of chai," she calls to his retreating back. At this point she kinda looks like Jodie Sawyer giving Cooper Neilsen cookies. You know what I'm talking about. Don't act like you don't.

Simon is all shook up because he doesn't think Beverly believes him. I'm all shook up because I think he'll use that pain to slip into bed with Gordon. And I think she'll go for it too.

So then she's jogging again, and Joe drives by in the jeep and they share a silent inside joke about how he almost ran her over. Then Marks drives by on a bicycle and she's kind of confused. "That wasn't in the manual," she doesn't say, thank GOD.

Credits.