Combat Hospital ep. 1, "Welcome to Kandahar" - Recap

"Listen, kids, when someone as genetically perfect as me or as intimidatingly tiny as her tell you to mop the floor, you stop flashing your medical degrees in my face and MOP THE FUCKING FLOOR, ya hear?"

We open with urine on our heroine's hands. That's not a euphemism, it's simply a logical deduction - she is holding a pregnancy test; thus, there is urine on her hands. It's by far the most notable thing about this scene. Other tidbits include: according to the ambient noise she is clearly flying on a plane, she is wearing a flack jacket (that's what they're called, right?), and the whole shebang is about to touch down in Kandahar Province, Afghanistan.

Kandahar: One of the largest Afghan provinces. Called "the birthplace and spiritual home of the Taliban" and the main area of focus for the Canadian forces in the current ten-year-old war.

Some accenty American type raps smartly on the door and advises "Dr. Gordon" to wipe her ass and resume her seat, in so many words. She politely and Canadianly calls back, "I can't right now, I'll be out in a second." He reminds her they're about to do a combat landing, which is gonna be rough, and Dr. Canada has read the manual but we haven't so Captain America stresses the "avoidance of gunfire" bit and "everyone's gonna yak" bit for our benefit. Still, she resolutely refuses to exit, meaning that now she's going to be known as the lady doctor that shat through combat landing. The pilot warns everyone that shit's about to get real, the camera starts to jerk around, Dr. Canada smacks her head on the bathroom door, several rows of soldiers go "euuurrrggghhh," and a pretty realistic CGI shot shows a plane bombing towards the sandy ground. When the madness is over, Dr. Canada takes a moment to collect herself before checking the pregnancy test and flashing an unreadable serious face.

The hatch drops open and a bunch of badasses in desert cammo hup-two-three-four out onto the tarmac. Dr. Canada in her fishing hat casts a glance around the airfield and walks away into the sunset (slash the opposite direction from the sunset, so more like walks away from the sunset, I guess).

Lens flare! IV's! Gurney! Disoriented soldier with a scabby head wound! Weirdly oval-shaped head with hippyish "flags of the world" scrub cap and candy-apple red scrubs! Head-wound's like, "Where am I? Am I gonna die?" In response to the first, "Rural-3 hospital in Kandahar airfield." And to the second, "You're gonna be fine." We'll see. 

Lost Asian Guy calls out "'Scuse me, ma'am?" to Lost Canadian Lady and asks for directions to that hospital, which is actually fully called "Rural-3 Multinational Medical Unit". His name is Bobby Trang, hers is Rebecca Gordon - remember that, there will be a written test - and she's walking the right way (not him). Dr. Gordon 1; Dr. Trang 0. She's a major and a trauma surgeon, he's a "brand new captain, brand new doctor". He's unfamiliar with Canadian ranks. I'm unfamiliar with ranks in general, so I'll call this one a draw. A small phalanx jogs by them and Dr. Gordon Canadianly calls "'Scuse me! ...Scuse me!" and obviously they pay her less than no mind because soldiers + full kit + jogging = we don't stop for nobody; I'm completely undereducated in these matters and even I've got that figured out. Plus I thought she had directions. Dr. Trang glances back and the running men and goes, "That was weird." Sorry, did he think he was in, like, not a war zone?

Dr. Gordon's phone buzzes. Trang's jealous because his phone doesn't work. Gordon's jealous-ish of him in turn because it's her ex who be blowin' up her phone. Trang apologetically asks if she's "feeling ok" and she affirms that she is in a way that makes it quite clear she isn't. Also she's tired. That's probably the truth. "It's nothing that a solid eight hours of sleep won't cure." Mwah-ah-ah.

Speaking of Australia, one of their finest (and hottest) is srubbed up and wrist deep in a soldier, asking about the "fresh meat" they're expecting. Stern red-scrubs guy is not amused. Given the amount of hang-time between their planes landing and now, it's clear they've been lost for a significant amount of time. Dr. Australia cracks that they should stay lost if they know what's good for them. Also he wants more women. And he acts suuuper sketchy when he finds out one of them is. Too bad for him she's dealing with ex drama, she may be pregnant, and she has ZERO PERSONALITY THUS FAR. I understand it's been four minutes, but DAMN, this is a network show! Hook me, bitches!

Our lost-in-transit boring main character people seem to be somewhat disappointed with their new digs. They're hoping for air conditioning, but something tells me that they whether there is or isn't air conditioning won't affect their pretty network makeup jobs. As they step inside, they're confronted with... a normal emergency room? With a worse paintjob? And perhaps somewhat less floorspace? Well, the angle's not wide enough for us to tell what exactly the problem is, but according to Trang's and Gordon's faces, there's definitely a problem. A Genetically Perfect Doctor patiently informs them that the patient clinic is closed, mistaking them for sick cookies looking for medical attention, which is em-bar-ras-sing! On their part. Gordon tells them they're not sick, they're reporting for duty, to which Genetically Perfect Doctor awkwardly replies, "Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that you looked a little... uh..." and then he shoves some mops at them and politely orders them to mop up the blood so people don't slip. Gordon gets her MD panties in a twist and tries to Canadianly inform GPD that they're not fucking nurses, but Tiny Asian Nurse at his elbow freaks that "does that mean you don't know how to mop a floor?" While Gordon Canadians and Trang remains mute, GPD and TAN go "Great then" and run off to be awesome elsewhere. Dear writers, "Stereotypical Canadian" is not a personality type. See to it please.

Then again, maybe I'm giving the writers too much credit. Lily Brenner from Off the Map had less personality her first time out and she was supposed to be American, so maybe these writers aren't so much relying on stereotypes as they are just sucking.

Thankfully, Gordon and Trang's pissed-off mopping binge lasts for about two seconds before a buzzed-head guy hands it to them for leaving their bags in the middle of the floor, and then for showing up a day later than expected. She got stuck in Dubai. He got stuck in Kabul. Buzzed-head guy spits out a bunch of stuff that sounds like things are about to get busy. Then Red Scrubs Guy shows up and, after establishing that they're "feeling alright" (to which Gordon confusedly replies that they're good to go), he directs them towards "this way" and gives them a tour of the all-on-one-level medical facility. Gordon starts to whine something about her training but Red Scrubs Guy shuts her up and shows them into the "Ready Room", the name of which he is not thrilled with. 

Dickish British Guy is spread-eagled (clothed, sillies) on the couch - ready for something, certainly, which he demonstrates by leaping to his feet and giving Gordon a slow, gross once-over. So I hate him already, and I hate the writers for thinking this shit is funny. Or I hate the viewing audience for thinking this shit is funny. He shakes Gordon's hand and rebuffs Trang's polite greeting. Red Scrubs Guy - Ok, enough of this. Red Scrubs Guy is apparently Col. Xavier Marks (which is a very realistic name and not stupid at all), and Dickish British Guy is Dr. Simon Hill, but we'll see whether I agree to call him anything other that Dickish British Guy. Maybe DBG for short. So yeah, Col. Xavier Marks has them change into their scrubs and then waxes poetic on his firearm, obviously. Gordon and Trang nip into the changing stalls to change and DBG slinks over to be dickish about Genetically Perfect Doctor's propensity for handing mops to the new people. "They tried that with me. They didn't get very far, let me tell you," he dicks. Trang has picked an ugly teal scrub shirt. Marks dubs him trauma team leader. Gordon follows them in prettier cranberry scrubs (this hospital looks like Candyland) as Trang tries to vehemently talk himself out of the TTL position. He considers himself a "good diagnostician", which I think means he studied for his MCATs by watching House. Marks asks if he knows his ABC's. "Airway Breathing Circulation?" asks Trang nervously. Ok, that's just insulting. I got my damn babysitting certificate, does that mean I can lead up a trauma team? Goody-two-shoes Gordon thinks so and Hermiones about how she has TTL experience, but  Marks orders her to stand by the red line until she's needed. And there's an actual red line.

Before Trang can complain anymore GPD grabs him and hustles him towards a whole bunch of beeping crap, loudly introducing him to his new trauma team. Trang is super wide-eyed and a bit sweaty.

An all-American type comes in pretty much unable to breathe and Trang nervously asks his team to make a decision, but they bomb it right back to him, so he tentatively decides to intubate him and then is completely unable to do so. Marks takes pity on him and sails in to the rescue. Gordon gets tired of standing on the line so she runs over and shoves a tube into the patient's chest. The blood starts to drain and Marks asks Trang if he thinks they should cut, but Trang meekly backs down and then apparently struggles not to cry. It's kind of sad, but mostly awkward.

The next day, the injured dude struggles awake. Genetically Perfect Doctor, who has turned out to be Genetically Perfect Nurse (and who, by-the-by, is giving off a bit of a "don't ask, don't tell" vibe) introduces himself as Commander Royal and cautions Injured Dude to not squirm too much and that he's fine. "You've got your arms and your legs and everything you had yesterday, including an ugly-looking plastic tube sticking out of your chest." In walks Marks, who lets Injured Guy know that he missed his "CO" (commanding officer?) by half an hour and that he's scored a purple heart. Can I just say, I've always thought that purple hearts sound awkward. Like, their very existence is awkward. Like, first of all, it's a total Mad Lib of an award, and also, it kind of reminds me of an abusive parent buying their kid ice cream so they won't tell anyone, and also, it's not really an award you can strive to achieve, is it? But Injured Guy gets all teary-eyed.

Out in the hallway, Gordon and Trang are watching the action unfold. Buzzed Head guy comes up to them brandishing file folders and beepers. "Beepers? In 2006?" snarks Gordon, which confuses me, since don't real hospitals still use beepers? And by real hospitals I mean Seattle Grace (I don't have many life experiences). Or are those something different?

Also worth chatting about is the fact that apparently this series begins in 2006. I guess this is a good move. It means that the writers can pace the show with the benefit of a good five years of hindsight, but they don't have to deal with the sticky messy post-9/11 headspace. Hey, I wonder how much of this was in production or pre-production when Bin Laden's death was announced? I wonder if this show will be on long enough to have to deal with it? My guess is no, and my second guess is that when the writers start to smell death they're going to start jumping huge amounts of time so they can realistically incorporate the Abbottabad airstrike into the series finale, and also for some reason Gordon will end up on the helicopter and some big-lipped swarthy actor will be hired to play the bad guy himself.

But this guy I was chatting with, a vacationer from Pakistan, was saying that it's widely-accepted fact where he comes from that Osama died in 2003 in a military hospital. And to be perfectly honest, it sounds about as probable as Obama's version, because who really knows what's been going on? I don't presume to.

Well, back to the fictionalized version. Guess what? Gordon has a blue star tattooed on her neck. It's kind of badass. Guess what else? Gordon got a personal email from the "DND" in Ottawa, which Buzzed Head Guy is not super happy about since he sent it to the general email address. Embarrassing. "If he does it again, just tell him to eat crap and die," snips Gordon. There's that personality! I like it! "Eat Crap And Die, yes Ma'am," says BHG.

Marks joins them in the hall, having taken enough undo credit for the day, and asserts his satisfaction with his new team members while leering creepily at Trang. Then he orders him to follow. Don't do it! Oh, but all Marks wants to do is massage Trang's ego. Apparently the only reason he could fit the tube in and Trang couldn't was because he's been "doing it" for 25 years. And also apparently it's all Trang's doing that the kid is alive and about to call his mommy and daddy. My first thought was "ugh", but my second thought was "well, I guess in the delicate business of doctoring, lack of confidence is more dangerous than anything, so maybe over-complimenting is not a bad way to go in this case."

Dickish British Guy comes over to chat with Gordon and clearly Gordon feels the same way as me; when DBG compliments her tattoo in a perfectly normal way she automatically assumes it's just more dickery.

Marks cuts in, compliments Gordon on her chest tube, and then gets nasty on her for crossing the red line and undermining Trang's confidence. Which, fine. But then he says some garbage about how if it came down to choosing he'd rather have a calm and confident trauma team leader than a hotshot trauma surgeon, which, give me a break. Gordon IS a calm and confident team leader. You MADE her the hotshot trauma surgeon. I get ladling compliments all over Trang's narrow ass and I get reigning Gordon in, but this choosing between the children is just dumb. "Other than that you did very well today," he concludes, and stalks away.

I have a problem with overuse of music on television shows, and I think here's a great case against constant scoring. Elias Koteas, the actor playing Marks, has a certain way of speaking that involves pauses in unusual places, which is great, I think. It's an imperfect rhythm and it's interesting and realistic. But when they've got cheesy stalk "emotional" music underscoring it, the irregular cadence sounds stupid and also dumb and it should sound neither. So less music, please, thank you.

So now things are just a little awkward between Trang and Gordon. Thanks, Marks. Speaking of Marks, before he round the corner he turns back to address "that thing about the mop". "It has come to my attention that a certain Dickish British Guy has made the Thing About the Mop out to be some sort of dumbass frat hazing ritual. What you need to know is Blood Is Slippery, this is a busy effing place, we need all hands on deck, and med techs and nurses have more shit to do between ambulances than doctors do, therefore quit yer bitchin' and mop, motherfuckers." Then he flashes them a grin. It's pretty funny.

Dickish British Guy in his scrubs leads Trang and Gordon in their cammos to their rooms. Trang thanks him for the favour. DBG goes "You being sarcastic?" Ugh. Well, Trang is rooming with a serious snorer. A lieutenant colonel named Max, and Trang isn't bothered because he is exhausted. So is Gordon, but she laments that she'll probably be up all day. But then they remember that they're doctors, and DBG invites her into his room for a little pharmaceutical adjustment. Oh, honey, don't go in there...

She does. The room is about twice as big as my bedroom and luxely decorated with "real" Persian rugs that DBG is looking forward to turning a sweet profit on. Outside his window he's erected a curious shadowbox of sorts with a balcony setup and a vast arial view of London with Big Ben and Parliament and the Eye and all that. It's all very Queen Sophie Anne's New Day Room. He's a civilian, so he's got this room, he doesn't have to share with anyone and he's making fucking bank. And now my poor ass is trying to figure out the quickest way it can get itself to a war zone and land a gorgeous room with a fake view of the mountain and a marvelous salary. I'm sure I have something to offer them. For instance, I can transcribe what people are saying and add bitchy comments, that's probably useful in some way. So Gordon's pocket starts vibrating, and we get an inch more exposition: ex-fiance. (And possible baby daddy, which she doesn't say.) Whoop-de-doo. DBG offers her a drink in a biohazard container: "It's only hazardous if you're allergic to fine vodka." Gordon declines because what's the point. DBG slugs it back, thus assuring us a future Very Special Episode about lushes in the military. We establish that no, Gordon did not "leave him at the altar and go off to war," and no, she doesn't want to talk about it, and no, we aren't particularly interested in hearing about it. Which, according to DBG, explains why she can't sleep. He prescribes sex as an ideal natural sleep aid, because he is of course DBG. "But there is a place for the pharmaceutical approach." "Such as now," she snaps, and he goes, "Shame." Shut up. But before she can pop and drop, they both get hit with a 911 and it's time to run.

A loud dude jumps off the chopper screaming medical shit we can not hear, followed by a grossly injured Arab guy on a stretcher. Another loud dude starts rattling off acronyms, none of which I know, and one of which Gordon doesn't know. "EHVI?" "Enemy High Value Individual. He's Taliban." DUN DUN DUNNNN! The first loud dude literally drags the second loud dude away and the Taliban guy starts yelling.

Trang, by the way, has now got his shit on lock. He's giving orders and everything seems super awesome. Just as Taliban guy is about to be rolled away, a bunch of yelling Arab soldiers storm in and try to shove their way toward him. A dweeby civilian guy frantically yells out in perfect but heavily accented English that the Arab guys are all "on our side", but they think Taliban guy is faking. Without missing a beat, Gordon snatches up a scalpel, orders them to watch, and opens a finger-sized slit on the dude's chest. Then she jams her whole finger in there for good measure. Taliban guy doesn't react. The soldiers believe her, and also they're incredibly grossed out. They leave, but dweeby translator guy lingers.

"That was so badass, how you just stabbed him like that?" A very random doctor/nurse lady (probably nurse since she actually seems to know what's going on) introduces him as Vans, "one of our 'terps". Gordon takes polite Canadian issue with his use of the word "stabbed", being a doctor and having taken an oath and all. Also the incision now has a tube in it, so she wasn't just randomly chopping fools up to make a point. To that, Vans says "whatever". I like Vans.

Along comes Marks, and Trang delivers the patient status monologue with a stern doctor voice that could use a bit of work. Genetically Perfect Nurse shows up and Marks infuriatingly orders Taliban Dude to OR 3 "without collecting $200" and OH COME ON, REALLY? Slow clap on that reference, writers. Real original.

Surgery time! Marks makes the mistake of complimenting Gordon, who thanks him and then embarks on a bragging binge which Marks cuts short by ordering everyone to freeze and then pulling out his on-him-at-all-times firearm. WHAT? Insurgents? Come to rescue Taliban guy? No, it's just a snake. A SNAKE?

Anecdote: One time when I was giving an English lesson to a group of teenagers in Ghana a snake popped in to say hello and the school shut down until the male teachers managed to yank it out of the roof and kill it dead. It was more exciting than a field trip. Anecdote over.

Marks shoots it in the head (with one eye shut; I know from Pocahontas that one should always keep both eyes open when shooting fools in the head) and then calmly asks for a fresh glove. Buzzed Head Guy runs in with his machine gun but starts giggling when he sees the decapitated snake lying coiled on the floor. Marks tells him to keep it and surgery resumes. Gordon insists she's fine, "but, uh, that wasn't in the manual."

Surgery over, and Gordon is finally able to check out her room, and by "check out" I mean "flop over in her cammos and fall right the fuck asleep", but before she can get busy doing that another chick doctor marches in and Gordon springs up like a whack-a-mole. She's Major Pedersen, her new roommate, and she's Australian.

It's significant that I managed to figure that out, because I've always had serious issues with Australian accents. Me, the Clicktator who can distinguish a Geordie from a Manc, Northern Ireland from the Republic of Ireland, I am completely useless when confronted with a subtle Australian accent. I always assume they're English. Sorry, it sounds the fucking same to my stupid ears. Life would be so much easier if everyone in Australia talked real broad like Crocodile Dundee. But c'est la vie, and the moral of the story is, this lady is Australian. 

And she's glad that Gordon's not "too tired". For what? For the women's clinic, of course! Catering to traditional Afghani women who will not show their bodies in the presence of men. Yes, obviously I'm all for such a clinic. What I'm against is this lady's blatant riddling and guilt tripping. "Oh, well it's strictly volunteer, but you see, we do get a lot of physical problems as well as the emotional ones. Most of the women we see are physically sick, so..." "Ah, well, stands to reason, you see a lot of sick people at a clinic." "But I'm a psychiatrist, so... But no worries, if you're really too tired, I..." People who talk in ...s bug me. This lady bugs me. And Gordon obviously cannot back down in the face of so many ellipses, so off goes this poor exhausted cookie to the women's clinic.

...With a quick stop at the supply closet. Gordon rummages just enough to annoy Passive Aggressive Australian Lady and asks if they stock pregnancy test kits. You know, in case any of the, um, Afghan ladies want to find out if they're pregger macgregor. Aussie lady's never had a patient ask her that. Well, I've known her for about two seconds and I wouldn't trust her with my worst enemy's secrets. This bitch sucks. "Well, suppose someone on the base thought she might be pregnant," Gordon tries. LIKE WHO, KIDDO? Passive Aggressive Australian Lady judgmentally informs her that she could hand off a urine sample to the lab. Then she judgmentally whips off her bitch glasses and reminds her that sexual relations on the base are forbidden, and if the results were positive the chick would be sent home on the first plane.

If this policy is true, it is so sexist I can't even stand it. I know Passive Aggressive Australian Lady didn't write the policy (well, I assume she didn't but she probably would), but clearly she agrees with it wholeheartedly, which is leading me to upgrade her status to Australian Bitch. Gordon agrees with me, Canadianly.

In walks a Stern Clipboard Lady with her hair plastered back in a tight bun. She's Captain Marianne Raith the pharmacist, and "I didn't see you, you didn't see me". With that not-at-all sketchy quip, Captain Raith goes off to get a coffee, meaning literally the only reason she walked into the supply closet was to make Gordon very uncomfortable. Australian Bitch drops the minor bomb that, while the women's clinic is sanctioned, there's no budget for supplies, meaning that they're kind of forced to Robin Hood that shit. "The colonel calls it... requisition without paperwork," she smarms.

Hey, I thought of a better nickname! They used to call Marie Antoinette l'Austrichienne, which is a portmanteau of la chienne Austrienne, which literally means "Austrian female dog"; but I think Austrichienne works kind of great for our bitchy Australian friend, nay?

A stern-looking headscarf lady pulls up in a car with sirens. Buzzed Head Guy announces her as "Major Samizay" and she's here with bad news: "I believe the base is going to be attacked," she intones in robotically perfect and mildly accented English. Remember Taliban guy? Yeah, because of him. Marks, who was literally fixing a bicycle a moment before, is worried. This guy is "the number-three Taliban in all South Aghanistan", and she thinks the Taliban thinks they'll lose face if they don't mount a mission to get him back. And that's why  no woman will show up to the clinic today. I bet that's a deleted scene, Gordon and Austrichienne sitting awkwardly around in a kind of dirty, empty clinic. Almost immediately, an air siren starts blaring.

Chaos! Everyone's running around and shrugging into their armour and GPN is attractively barking orders. Trang is trying to send Taliban Guy through the MRI; Vans tries to relay Trang's "Hold Still" but Taliban Guy just horks a loogie at him. "Dude! Gross!" Vans wails. "Tell him to count backwards from 10," says Trang. That goes over well. Taliban Guy gets in one more good swear before he conks out. "He says to have sex with a..." "With what?" "He didn't finish." I know it's easy, but Vans is my fav.

Elsewhere, nurses and doctors and others are strapping armour onto the patients. Recently Operated On's buddies are all cracking lame jokes about spaghetti. Tiny Asian Nurse walks up and, after handily being shut out of the inside joke session, orders them all to the bunker. They're clearly all terrified of her, making her approximately the six-millionth tiny intimidating lady on television. And the four-millionth tiny intimidating medical lady.

Gordon runs into the X-ray room. Trang asks where she was. "I'm not allowed to pee?" she snaps. URINE SAMPLE. Anyway, Taliban Guy has an esophageal injury that Gordon just canNOT believe she missed. She's all prepped for another Colonel ass-kicking, but when he shows up and checks out the X-ray, he concedes that it's easy to miss because he missed it too. Um, not a reason, buddy. And I'm starting to think the only thing that the Colonel doesn't like is when people are too good. And I think it's because he's jealous. Marks offers the patient to Gordon, unless she's too tired (man, that just does not sound any less passive aggressive with repetition), so obviously she lies that she's not too tired and dives right in. "I am never too tired for surgery," she Christina Yang's.

Cut to an OR, which I guess is in the bunker since they're out of their flack vests. Gordon's scrub cap is aubergine and boring. Trang's is awesome and covered with skulls.

BOMBS.

MORE BOMBS. Everyone in the bunker looks overhead worriedly, including a pair of CUTE LITTLE AFGHAN KIDS that are just so cute, you guys, and smiley to boot. GPN agrees; he laughingly snaps their picture and then curses and asks around for another camera when his battery dies. "Oh gosh," he says, with all the disappointment and broken dreams of a million crack babies in his voice. "Anybody got another camera? My battery's dead." This guy is something else. Also, how much do you want to read GPN's scrapbook? Better yet, have him go through his scrapbook with you? And how do you think he would caption that picture? Hilariously, right? "Bunkin' in with Mohammed and Khalid! Bombin' times! :)" "Newbies moppin' the floor! Whistle while you work, guys! :)" "Changin' a colostomy bag! :) :P :'("

Surgery! Bombs! Rattle rattle shake! Oh crap, Gordon nicked the fricken' artery! Clamp it! Trang does. "Little slow on the uptake there," she snaps. Someone needs a nap. "You're welcome," he retorts. Well, it's your job.

Back in the fun bunker, Injured Guy's funny friend points to Vans's oversized green T-shirt and goes, "I was there." Vans squeaks, "YOU SAW THE WARPED TOUR???" Hm, from what I remember of my friends' starry-eyed descriptions of Warped Tour it always sounded super laaame, but I guess to these all-american types and living-under-oppressive-regime types it's super badass. "Summer '05, baby." "My Chemical Romance? The Offspring?" "The Offspring were sick, dude." Vans's face falls like a house of cards. "They had to cancel?" No, sick like awesome. GPN, whose mood has been in to toilet ever since his camera died and he disappointed the cute Afghan kids, grumbles at him to not teach Vans any more slang, "you can barely understand him as it is." "Pay no attention to Commander Royal," says Vans awesomely. Injured Dude's Funny Friend did not see Avenge Sevenfold, but he did see the Dropkick Murphys, which, respect. I'm not made of stone. But GPN's genetic perfectness rears his head again and he spots a bit of redness under IDFF's T-shirt, which he lifts to reveal a whole ribcage's worth of nasty redness. IDFF shrugs it off but GPN soberly instructs him to get it looked at. "Seriously though, really it's nothing," he insists, which means he's going to die. Spoiler alert.

Soon after, they're given the all-clear, and all the badasses stream out of the bunker, GPN carrying the cutest of the smiley Afghan kids on his shoulders. I mean, really, this guy.

Taliban guy's out of surgery and his surgeons are zombie-ing down the hall. Gordon decides to crash in the Ready Room, but of course there's a very serious meeting going down. GPN points out a shrapnel hole in the plywood wall and Marks bitches everyone out for dawdling with their helmets and flack jackets. To DBG, he snarks, "What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation?" The whole time, Gordon's nodding off like a bobblehead, the audio drifting in and out and the mood music very True Blood in its use of squeaky strings. She snaps awake and impulsively blurts out a bunch of surgical jargon, going on for way too long until someone shoves a coffee at her.

Just as the speech is ending, a kindly portlier gentleman wanders into the Ready Room. Marks nabs him about the snake in the OR. Chubs is skeptical until Marks orders Buzzed Head Guy to get the snake. "And while he's getting the snake, I want to talk to you about the dust." Heh.

Gordon swings by the lab and asks if she'd be able to sneak through a urine test without paperwork. A pregnancy test. "For a friend." The guy's like "yeah, heard that before. I run through about sixteen syphilis tests a month for that dickish British guy's fake friend."

Back in the ward, they shove Taliban guy into a separate cubicle. Some dude in a baseball cap asks a bunch of impertinent questions about when can he be moved and Gordon gets a bit shirty. "It's Dr., or Major, not 'Miss'," she snaps. Then Trang calls her over to look at Injured Dude.

Trang and Gordon spend a bunch of time trying to fob off the credit for saving Injured Dude's life on each other, which is obviously very productive and even more self-congratulatory than a simple "you're welcome". And then Injured Dude's Funny Friend blinks, and then just fucking drops. Ultrasound reveals blood in the belly. He's been bleeding internally. "But he was fine," insists Injured Dude.

What's this, the fourth surgery of the day for Gordon? Everyone's kind of somber and silent. IDFF's friends are all crowding around the window; DBG gets a nurse to shut the blinds over them. The third surgeon starts CPR, but between the brain damage and free bleeding DBG decides there's nothing else they can do and they step back to take a moment of silence. Injured Dude is distraught. Taliban guy is gone... through a hole in the freaking wall. "What the hell" indeed.

Gordon races outside to see if she can catch the patient burglars, but stands at attention as she comes across Marks, GPN and Buzzed Head Guy saluting the American, Canadian and Afghan flags at half mast for Injured Dude's Even More Gravely Injured and Now Dead Friend. It's a powerful moment.

Anyway, Marks has been appraised of the missing Taliban guy situation and is on it. But Gordon's not satisfied with his relative lack of pissed-offedness. Marks orders her to get some sleep, but we'll see.

Trang catches up with Gordon and she dizzily asks him how long they've been here. 'Let's see, it was night, then day, then night... I don't know, I've lost track too." And now, to business: the lab guy was unsuccessful in getting Gordon's attention when she was on her "find the Colonel" rampage, so he gave the results to Trang instead. Gordon doesn't have the energy to get properly pissed off, so she just parks her ass on a pile of sandbags to read the results. "Well, you read it, naturally," she snips. "It wasn't exactly in a sealed envelope."

"Well, you're the diagnostician [House fan]. And as I'm sure you've already figured out, I thought that I might be pregnant, and according to this, I am not... I have never missed my period." Bravo, Miss Type A, I'm impressed and a little shocked that you are completely assured of every single cycle for the past fifteen-someodd years. I guess not every woman is as flippant and disorganized as me about their babymakers. Trang thinks it could be either something or nothing, which a blood test will reveal, and can she stay awake for another half hour? Ha, please. And pregnancy is what she was worried about, cervical cancer can wait.

Bzzz, bzzz. Gordon finally snaps and starts Mexican hat-dancing all over her 2006 cell phone, throwing her hands up in a goal-scoring victory. They bid each other good-night and not three seconds later both their beepers beep. Buzzed Head Guy screams at them to "Hurry up, hurry up" and Marks sardonically welcomes her once again to Kandahar.

Credits.