And now, our feature presentation:
You knew something like this was coming.
Still loving the theme song
So naturally, the Unpleasantness steps all over it with her smoker's voice. It's group therapy time! A cute blond kid shares his sad feelings about how he's home less than 24 hours and can only think about getting back to Kandahar. Sounds like a very intense emotional issue, laden with emotions such as fear, anxiety, and crushing guilt; and it sounds like something a lot of people experience and yet can't bring themselves to share. An ideal topic for a group therapy session. So how does Unpleasantness react?
"That's ok."
That's it. That basically means "I forgive you for feeling that way". How the fuck is that therapy. Ugh. Clearly she's bored of the blond kid because she scans the circle and asks "Anyone else?"
Now Rebecca happens to be in the circle, so Pederson's gaze lands on her at one point, which discomfits her to the point of blurting out "Don't look at me!" And she wouldn't be here unless she had to be, and blah di blah, we covered this in the third episode, didn't we? The OR is her therapy, she bleats. She doesn't require a lot of sleep, she bleats.
And she's a perfectionist with "Daddy Issues" who got dumped by the genius Montrealer she picked out to replace her father and she's still holding onto the engagement ring. That too. And suddenly she wakes up to the fact that everyone is cocking their eyebrow at her. Even those who cannot cock their eyebrow have discovered that ability within themselves in the face of Rebecca's Niagara Falls-esque unloading.
So then therapy lets out and Rebecca gets down to the brisk business of deflecting. "How could she just ambush me like that?" Bobby's like "Yeah, the way she shot you a passing glance was really insidious, let's vilify her. and that was adorable."
Rebecca: Shut up.
Bobby: Sell your damn ring. Ebay. Craigslist. Make it happen, Cap'n.
Rebecca: I'm a Major.
Bobby: Blast. That could have been awesome. Best slip that into my back pocket for later use.
Marascino scrub shirt - it's Xavier Marks! He once again establishes that he is a foam finger-waving fan of Unpleasantness and all she does. "Emotional health is essential to the success of his hospital," he intones, setting up his episode arc nicely. Then he foreshadows an upcoming conference call with other Colonels or Generals or whatever-the-fuck. "We're gonna brag about our 97% survival rate." Pedants, start your engines! I want to know if that figure is correct thus far. Rules: Only reported deaths are to be counted. Bed-filling extras are to be presumed survivors.
Also, it's nice that there's a medical show that acknowledges the weird success rate of their patients. Could this show also be the one to admit that patients only seem to die when the surgeon has an important lesson to learn about humility?
And then he's got a call with "9er Domestic" or something. Which Royal divulges is code for "wife". So Marks and Unpleasantness are not fucking. Good thing. Because I love him. I love him as I would love a wry genius prof who I really want to fuck but only if his wife is involved.
Bobby is sort of impressed at the daily-phone-call-to-spouse thing, but Rebecca is still behind on her casual conversation skills so she threatens to throw herself to the floor and start screaming at the very mention. So Bobby switches gears to the upcoming conference call. And it's established that they need to memorize all the cases ever.
Bobby: I HAVEN'T EVEN MADE FLASH CARDS.
Rebecca: No time. Highlighters and colour-coding if we're lucky. Make it happen, Cap'n.
Bobby: Well played. Any chance of scoring some Red Bull?
Rebecca: Probably not, but I'm sure Simon's got some Aderall. I can get you a deal. He's in love with me.
Bobby: Ok, so maybe we'll be lucky, maybe today will be QU--
Rebecca & Royal: SHUT THE FUCK UP *pounce*
But the damage is done.
They explain to him very clearly the concept of "jinxing" like it's such a quirky superstition completely limited to the medical world. He acts bewildered, like he's never watched a medical drama in his life. Which is bullshit. We all know he <3s House.
Rebecca, naturally, is skeptical of jinxing. Silly girl, there's a reason "break a leg" is a thing.
Then Royal hops on Rebecca about her charting-related procrastination.
Rebecca: I'll get to them later today.
Royal: Fat chance. We've been jinxed.
Rebecca: Your spidey senses acting up?
Royal: Look at my genetically perfect face. *scowl*
Rebecca: Jesus. Ok.
Bobby's patient is scanning a map and he takes too much umbrage when Bobby addresses him as "Sir". "Don't call me 'Sir', Sir, I work for a living." WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. Bobby's like ErrrrrKay.
He's complaining about an Old Football Injury, because of course he has an old football injury.
Marks is talking minutiae with his wife, which is sweet in that he's clearly very aware of what's up with her, but it's also kind of sad because they're both clearly kind of bored. And then she mentions that some appliance store is now gone with condos going up in its place, which makes him feel way too removed. He's fingering a photo of her. Not that kind of fingering, get your mind out of the gutter. She's very pretty. But preoccupied. And then there's Something She Needs To Talk About.
Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep.
The above onomatopoeia represents both Marks' internal alarm and the beeper on his belt. His wife hears the beeper and insists on continuing the conversation later, but it sounds like she's being totally evasive. Marks is now freaking his shit out. And that is How Bobby Trang Cursed the OR.
Speaking of Bobby, Footbaw Guy rolls up his sleeve to receive a cortazone shot, revealing an ass-ugly mole on his shoulder in the process. The mole is so big it might as well be wearing a little nametag that says "HELLO my name is CANCER" on it. You know those red and white nametag stickers and everyone tries to make theirs look all sassy and individual? No doubt Mole has embellished his with little metastasizing cells in the corners. It's totally cancer.
For some reason Footbaw doesn't clue in until Bobby mentions the "B"-word - biopsy - or bobopsy - but when he does clue in he storms off, leaving his mission packet behind. Bobby tries to chase him down but Buzzed Head Guy yanks him into the OR.
STOP... Hannah time! The Bearer of Bad News alerts everyone that some violent shit went down in a civilian sector, seriously harshing the mellow of a wedding procession. Marks pulls his head out of the marital problems vortex and sends everyone on their way.
OR: everyone's assembled. Too Much Makeup gets her gameface on. Bobby jumps up and down repeatedly, which is funny. The wait's getting weirdly long. "Anyone fancy a game of Monopoly?" one of them cracks, which is unfunny.
There's actually some cool cinematographic work as the truck rolls in that manages to communicate a few of the characters' headspaces. Yay cinematography!
Whoo chaos! People and people and more people! Simon makes a mentally deficient seatbelts-and-traytables/bumpy ride joke that doesn't even make sense, let alone make me laugh. For some reason Bobby, Rebecca and Too Much Makeup are unbusy enough to lean against some expensive piece of medical equipment and take the piss out of each other.
Bobby: WEDDING PARTY LOVE MARRIAGE. Oh yes I went there.
Rebecca: BOBBY SAID THE Q WORD.
Too Much Makeup: Fuck you, man. Seriously, fuck you.
Me: I will! I'll fuck him!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern wheel in the last one, a writhing screaming guy who seriously needs to stop writhing and screaming. So they knock him out and call Vans over. Things are about to get Vansy.
Hey! I have an idea for an awesome party theme! Ready, dear British readers?
...Vansy Dress!
So the guy is the groom. And he's screaming for the bride. But Bobby's noticed that Footbaw is lurking around and leaves Groom in Rebecca's capable hands.
Footbaw's looking for his lost mission packet. Silly him. My parents would say something like, "If you were careless enough to leave it behind, clearly it doesn't mean that much to you. Maybe you should focus more on upping your grades than on going off on silly missions." And Bobby's like "I believe you were looking for this?"
Frantic groom guy pulls a picture of a gorgeous girl in a red veil out of that pouch where you keep convenient photos. Vans is all up on that plot-point shit - it's his intended, her name is Zarmina, and where is she!?
Vans, with all the melodrama of a thousand Greta Garbos: He begs you to help him! She must be scared, or maybe hurt, or worse!
Groom: *gurgle*
Vans: HE THROWS HIMSELF AT YOUR KINDNESS!
Rebecca: Seriously? This is my episode arc!?
Rebecca regretfully splits, leaving Vans staring sadly at the photo.
Royal is giving a status report to Marks' hunchy back. Marks is rubbing his head, full of consternation. He absentmindedly makes a move toward the phone, but remembers that his wife would be asleep. Royal leaves, full of worry for his bud, and Marks slumps back into his chair.
Simon steps into the OR and that orthopedic surgeon starts cracking about how this is "real surgery", I guess implying that neurosurgery is "fake surgery"? Maybe... I like to think that the only kind of surgery Derek Shepherd is good at is the "fake" kind. Simon starts talking about a patient and does that annoying thing white people do wherein they show off how worldly they are by trying to pinpoint a person's exact ethnic group. The patient in question is, according to Si, Filipino, or possibly from Micronesia.
Then he notices the superbly shitty country music Beck is blasting in the OR - Suzie's over-ten-hours-on-her-iPod really turned her crank, I guess. Beck gets hers back by bringing up Boyzone. Ortho asks for a screw and Simon's like REBECCA LET'S SCREW.
The minute Rebecca gets out of surgery, Vans is there, grinning and waving Zarmina in her face.
Rebecca: (weakly) My charts...
Vans: You haven't done your charts in a week! Why clean up your act now? True Love waits in the wings!
Simon is loving this, every second, and offers the "people-finding" services of some perfectly legitimate-sounding guy he knows. Finally, Vans' bobbing and grinning is too much for her. Rebecca snatches the picture and storms off into...
Buzzed Head Guy's office! Fuck it, his name is Graham. I have something to admit: I literally hadn't figure that out until now. You know how sometimes when you're just hanging out watching a show you totally don't notice supporting character's names?
You know how sometimes, when you're obsessively perusing a show and chronicling each little tiny baby step each character takes, you sometimes don't clue into their names until the fifth freaking episode?
Anyway, GRAHAM accepts the picture and is off to see what he can do. Making Rebecca's contribution to this search basically amount to a walk down the hall.
Bobby ganks Marks, who is on his way once again to the phone booth, to ask him What Is To Be Done about Footbaw. Marks heaves a huge sigh and advises Bobby to pull rank.
Marks: Make it happen, Cap'n.
Bobby: NICE ONE.
But the lines for the phones are two deep, and also Samizay just called to say that the women's clinic is taking in the spillover from the injured wedding party. Sucks for Marks.
Now Simon's attending to the Filipino-or-maybe-Micronesian kid who is named Barry Foley, is actually from Saskatoon (which, let's be frank, is indisputably the best city name ever) and has a Filipino momma. Simon breaks out his awesome Tagalog, which Barry does not understand because WHY IS SIMON SO OBSESSED WITH FILIPINOS? Is Tia Carrere Filipino? That could be it...
Anyway, Barry knows Zarmina, which catches Rebecca the Bounty Hunter's ear. They met when they were building a girls' school, and "She's Awesome". Barry clearly <3's Zarmina, but they're not going to go into that because this show is already mired in subplot hell. And then he loses Simon's bet by revealing she was estranged from her family, i.e. no big dowry, i.e. clearly Kahn (or whatever the groom's name is) was not only after her money...
Then Beck leans over the groom's bed and he leaps up and grabs her sleeve, which freaks her shit out, and starts hollering for Zarmina. Then he gurgles and Beck notes that his belly is rigid (which seems to be the only complication ever on this show) so the kid needs surgery.
Guys, mark your calenders, Pederson is about to perform the only effective psych work thus far seen on this stupid show! Marks leans over and quietly recounts the phone incident, emphasizing that it was something in her tone that dot-dot-dot. And Pederson goes, "Worst case scenario?" prompting him to say, "That she's fallen out of love with me and she wants a divorce." It's actually kind of cool, how citing it as the worst-case scenario actually makes it seem like more of a probability thing, thereby allowing him to moderate his dread to a percentage of his total anticipation. Then she tells him to call her, and he says she's at work, and she gently implies that he's being a big fat procrastinator.
You know, now that I see it all written down, it doesn't even look like basic psychiatry work, let alone decent psychiatry work. It just looks like the actions of an awesome friend. But maybe Pederson's just been so Unpleasant this whole time that anything useful out of her seems like a little nugget of genius. That's one way of doing it, I guess...
Whatevskies, Marks is chicken-shit; he mutters "It can wait" so quietly that she doesn't even hear him.
Bobby's waiting in that fucked-up unfinished conference room where all the crazies go to craze. And what do you know, Footbaw slouches in as though he's being coerced with a cattle prod. Someone's pulled rank! Bobby lays it all down - namely, that he's acting like a timebomb of lunacy vis-a-vis the MOLE and leaving his mission packet everywhere and that Bobbino could very well ground him. Footbaw strikes up the tinkly piano music and begs him to let him "be with his boys" on "one last mission" (jesus) and then he can do such things as "send him home", "pump him full of drugs", and "whatever". Bobby's like "Well, at least this guy doesn't look like he's itching to slurp up Sookie Stackhouse or traumatize Tara Thornton, unlike my last loony patient," so they shake hands and Footbaw goes on his way.
Graham delivers a search report to Rebecca - no Zarmina. Groom is now spleenless, apparently. That's not a metaphor. And Bobby's just finished anticipating sleep when Vans trots up with coffee and further search party encouragement. "If it means so much to you, kid, pick up a damn phone," Rebecca doesn't but really should say. Then Vans spills a bit more backstory: Zarmina was betrothed to some other, richer dude, but flew the coop and married crazy screaming groom guy instead. That's why there were no elders in the procession - oh, yeah, right, like I was really sitting here being like "Hmmm wonder where all the elders are at?" Finally, Bobby senses Beck's palpable malleable material annoyance and offers to pick up the damn phone himself. Vans does a happy dance. Beck is changing in those weird stalls that only come up to shoulder height making them a cruel mockery of the very concept of modesty. Like, this Michelle Borth broad looks like a freaking pixie, what's a tall girl supposed to do? Squat?
With all the begrudging of a thousand dick husbands at a baby shower, Rebecca storms over to Simon's Austin Powers pad to request the digits of his "guy". Simon snaps out of his inebriated bedroom eyes thing and becomes all business with her, telling her to "put it on his tab". So she'll "owe him". And right in the middle of her violin-music speech about how nice he's being and how he actually has a heart, he slams the door in her face. Fine, I'll say it: I'd sleep with Simon. His seduction so far has been really cute and tempting.
Bobby and Rebecca take a moment to have a little status report sesh on the porch. So far: Nothing, and Even Less, respectively. Rebecca can't believe she's now in business with someone who is clearly a mobster (and probably a government official - no judgement, but you know it). Bobby thinks her foray into the underground crime world of Kandahar is "romantic". She vomits quickly in protest.
Then they have a big talk about the "Daddy" of the aforementioned "Daddy Issues". He sounds like an awesome, supportive dude who gently pushed his daughter in all the right directions. It's not particularly fascinating but it'll surely come up again. Because they're leaving it open as to whether or not he's dead, and if it's the latter, well, he'll definitely be coming to work at Kandahar Airbase (played by Gary Cole); and if it's the former, ghosty dream sequences. Or there'll be some kid who looks exactly like him and needs surgery.
Marks is standing all sad in front of the phone booths, which are all currently occupied. You guys, it's so sad. Just standing there in them maraschino scrubs, waiting for a phone that clearly isn't going to open up any time soon. Just standing there next to the "Hoagie Shack" (serving The Original Hoagie!), desperate to and at the same time desperate to not talk to his wife. Then his pager goes off, which is an annoyance and almost a huge relief.
Bobby and Beck's pagers both go off as well, and Vans pops out of absolutely nowhere to emotively scream that it's Footbaw! They're bringing him in! He's injured bad! Bobby's like "Knew it".
This is Rosencrantz's and Guildenstern's only function in this episode, and even still I think only Guildenstern speaks lines, which seems to indicate that the show really doesn't know there their bread's buttered. According to G, dude charged into open whatever to absorb the enemy fire. Kind of like that shitty opening scene in that shitty movie Dances Shittily with Wolves. Also, he received needle decompression in the field. Remember that. It's going to be important. (sort of.)
Later in surgery, Too Much Makeup does that thing where she's "heard" about something that's happened in the last few minutes but it's sort of strange that she's passing on new information considering she's presumably been in surgery for as long as they have...? Or maybe not...? Bobby has a sudden realization that he really should have known better than trusted anything a patient said to him in that fucked up conference room, and vis-à-vis grounding him, he really should have made it happen, Cap'n, because IT WAS SUICIDE.
Dr. Tarzi found Zarmina! ...who also apparently has a distended and rigid abdomen. What the fuck else is new.
Footbaw dies all over Bobby's happiness. But he won't stop pounding his chest. Which I think we've already covered with ol' Bobby, nay? And everyone's sort of standing around waiting for him to stop. Marks tells him to call it but he's too scowly and slouchy so Marks does it himself and I guess it's sad.
Dr. Tarzi, my favourite Afghan miracle doctor with a deceptively Irish accent! His only function is to introduce Zarmina (who is also wailing "Khan! Where is Khan!?" making them possibly the most annoying couple ever and yes, I feel bad about saying that). Tarzi sticks around long enough to do what I believe is stealing a significant amount of medical supplies. Go Tarzi!
Beck yanks the tube out of Khan's throat and then they do a grand reveal of Zarmina! and shove their beds next to each other. And holy shit, are they beautiful. Is it racist to just go ahead and call them Aladdin and Jasmine? I hope not, because that's what's happening right now. Rebecca explains what's going down inside Jasmine's pelvis, and she nervously (and to be perfectly honest, awkwardly) translates it all to Aladdin. And then the kicker: she might need a hysterectomy. And then she gets all "He can't marry me..." And of course Aladdin's having none of that. The following is said in either Pashto or Dari, but I can translate it for you pretty effectively:
"Bitch, you trippin', right? Look at yourself. Now back to me. Now back to yourself. Now back to me. Even at my considerable level of hotness, you are still clearly out of my league. You think I'm going to give up an opportunity to tap that? Besides, I know that if I'm dickish enough to let you go, Filipino Barry over there is going to snatch you up. You think I'd be happier knowing that your rockin' out on Barry? I'm only pretending to like him for your sake; to be honest I've always thought he was a little shit. And hey, if we have daughters, I mean, great, whatever, but by the law of Life Is Fucking Unfair if the mother is absolutely Disney Princess stunning, the girls definitely take after their fathers, and we both know that'll make them miserable at some point around age fourteen; so if you do have a hysterectomy, it'll obviously suck, but that's a definite silver lining. So obviously, OBVIOUSLY I'm still marrying you."
Vans's grin spreads like a one of those gross toys that grows when you dunk it in a glass of water. Zarmina translates the above somewhat differently - "He'll marry me, whether I have children or not" - which is the same basic gist, just with a lot having been lost in translation.
And then they insist on being married right then and there. And there's a whole lot of smiling and Beck realizes that f'ing Vans will literally not take no for an answer, in that she would literally have to get some guys with guns to restrain him while some other guys with guns rushed Zarmina past him to surgery, and there are no guys with guns in the immediate vicinity. And since Rebecca's still a bit shy about using her own firearm ever since the Spider Combat fiasco, she's forced to acquiesce, and Vans runs off to find the marrying man.
Bobby decides to bother Marks once more with a bunch of "Mea Culpa" this and "Suicide Is Not Heroism" that. Marks advises him to shut his whiny little trap, again, and gives him a little "Allow me to remind you that you are in, as Vans would say, freaking Kandahar." But then he pats him comfortingly on the shoulder because Bobby's a good kid.
Meanwhile, Aladdin and Jasmine are getting married! As anybody who's actually seen the sequels can tell you (me), it's been a pretty arduous process, but now they're all pleased looking and radiant despite their distended/rigid abdomens and Filipino Bobby and Filipino-obsessed Simon are holding up a ceremonial shawl and they've popped a cute little red cap on the groom that is not making him look any less like Aladdin. The marrying man is explaining the process as he goes for the doctors' benefit, which is sweet, and Rebecca is (I think) clutching a skateboard, which is I'm sure a key element, and Vans terps the deal-sealing prayer at Jazarmina's behest "so my friends will understand". Oh, you guys, I'm not made of stone.
Footbaw's team bids their final goodbyes to Footbaw and Marks stands there looking somber in a beret, which is his hottest look yet.
Beck holds up the skateboard in front of the happy couple, which is obviously not a skateboard but a mirror that looks too much like a skateboard on the back. Simon fidgets and looks Beck up and down. The marrying man pronounces the happy couple a happy couple and Vans claps at extreme velocity. Rebecca manages to drag Zarmina into surgery, promising that she's not just going to go around ripping out uteri willy-nilly.
Bobby pops his head into that office to talk to Marks, who Buzzed Head Guy (sorry, "Graham" isn't cutting it) announces will be "indisposed" for the next 21 minutes (how romantic). Royal ganks him before he leaves and starts laying out the Sergeant Footbaw thing for him: Sergeant leads boys. Sergeant becomes boys' de facto father. Sergeant wants sons to live so he is willing to risk his life to that end. Sergeant usually dies. And there's no way Bobby's skinny ass could have stopped him from doing just that. And no-one's happy about it, but what can ya do.
Zarmina is wheeled back from surgery, and Rebecca gives the universal sign for "uterus agogo". Or "a-ok", one of the two. And then, because the ceremony was lacking the traditional gift-giving portion, she pulls out her gorgeous ring and offers it - not to wear, "no, God no, heh, talk about bad karma." She wants them to sell it, because it's expensive, bought with Doctor money. Vans naturally takes the liberty of embellishing it to the point that the ring is cursed, dooming poor Beck to a sterile loveless existence, and the only way it can be broken is if an injured married couple sells it on to some other poor schmuck. Which they warily agree to do, because that shit is crazy in any language. And then Aladdin promises to name his first daughter "Rebecca", which is very sweet, except the thought of Zarmina having daughters at all still makes me sad. Rumer Willis took after Bruce Willis, Carrie Fisher took after Eddie Fisher, Jessica Capshaw is a lot more interesting to look at than Kate Capshaw but let's face it she's not getting cast as an airheaded sexpot any time soon... the future Rebecca is just going to have to be funny.
That scary conference call is happening. I can tell it's scary because they managed to hire the most generic All-American Crusty Colonel voice they could find. I can practically smell the cigar smoke. Marks is unperturbed and bitches some more about his "prehistoric" scanner, and then Crusty Colonel screams more about how some patient didn't receive Needle Decompression in the field, which is standard procedure for a collapsed lung!
"Maybe it shouldn't be," mutters Bobby.
All eyes vroom to him. Soft gasps. Crusty the Colonel growls and asks who the hell DEFIED HIM. "RANG?"
Trang meekly corrects him, and then picks up speed as he begins to recount how needle decompressions are not the answer to all life's problems. Crusty the Colonel goes, "Prove it! Conduct a study!" and thus is Bobby Trang now the busiest doctor in Kandahar. He's like ohhhh fuck.
Also he made everyone else, including Marks, look bad, which Rebecca stresses way too much. But OBVIOUSLY Marks is impressed, because everything Bobby does is just fucking brill.
And finally, he's on the phone with his really really silky-voiced wifey, who says everything as though she were stroking her legs with purple velvet at the same time. Poor Xavier is not about the pleasantries right now, so he launches right in with "You said we needed to talk" and she goes "Oh, that".
Their kid wants to go to Coachella. That is it.
After standing there stunned for a minute, Marks just starts laughing at himself. And then laughing with happiness. And it's so rare that you get to see a good joyful laugh that I'm grinning like a fool right now.
The actual episode end is just Simon and Rebecca chatting about boring stuff, so I'm going to pretend it faded out on Marks' joyful apple-cheeked mug.
Credits
another pitch perfect review! can't wait for episode 6 and 7...
ReplyDeleteWhat are the review cards which are shown for a brief moment before the patients are brought in as everyone is assembled?
ReplyDelete