The Borgias 2.5, "The Choice"

"God will judge your actions now. So please, if anyone is willing..."

Fuck yeah, this episode!!

This time around, we get to see Rich People Church. Rich people get to sit on chairs. It's much less depressing to watch rich people drop coin into the collection basket.

Suddenly, Lucrezia has a tremendous Signorina Obvious moment during which she realizes that the Church is able to look so shiny and ornate because they leech cash out of the devoted's hands every Sunday. Welcome to consciousness, Lucrezia!

She, Vanossa, and Giulia Farnese are sitting together, the better to facilitate their little womanly tête-à-têtes concerning all things that would ruin the College of Cardinals' day.

Rodrigo is still probing Cesare about the KABOOM. Cesare's still being coy. He dryly cites his Cardinal status as proof of his innocence. Rodrigo, Cesare, and Ascanio Sforza are all wearing their big boy pants today. Ascanio Sforza looks much less vile in his civies.

The current plan: Rodrigo and Cardinal Sforza are road-tripping up to Florence to spy on Uncle Fester/Savonarola and hang out with Frollo/Machiavelli. Cesare's going to Catarina Sforza's castle in Forlì, intending to drag her back to Rome. Cardinal Sforza thinks he's an idiot for going alone. As they go their separate ways, Rodrigo epically roars, "You tell that Lady that if she does not obey Us, we shall reduce her fortunes to dust and DRAG HER IN CHAINS THROUGH THE STREETS OF ROME THE CHOICE IS HERS! TO FLORENCE, AND ITS HERETIC SAVONAROLA!!! BE PREPAAAAAAAAARED!"

Girls Ep. 3, "All Adventurous Women Do"

Scene 1:

Charlie has shaved his head. He breaks it to Marnie as a surprise. She is understandably enraged. "Whooooooo-whee," he hums awkwardly. "You look scary to me, like Mickey Mouse without the ears. Why are you doing this!?" It's in support of someone at the office who's starting chemo. Marnie yells at him for making her look like an asshole.

Hannah emerges from her bedroom, all gothed-up, posing, purring, "How do I look?"

"You look like you're about to put a hex on some popular girls," says Charlie. Hannah's like, "All right, American History X".

Marnie wonders why everyone in her life looks scary. Ha. That's nothing. Sometimes I have goth days, and on those days I tend to wear concealer as lipstick to really affect that White Walker look.

The Borgias 2.4 - Stray Dogs

Go ahead.

Paint us.

We open very soon after where we've closed - indeed, I don't think anyone's even had a wardrobe change. Rodrigo, Cesare, and Victor/Victoria are all toasting their great plaster victory. The dynamic is kind of hilarious, vis-à-vis Victor/Victoria's vaginahood: Rodrigo doesn't know Cesare knows. Cesare doesn't know Rodrigo's tapped that. Victor/Victoria doesn't know how unlikely it is that she'll live out the season.

Here's another thing that's kind of queer: it seemed like nobody in the city knew about the plaster cannons, except for Cesare and Victor/Victoria. ...AND all the employees of all 20 or 30 foundries in Rome. HOW did this not get leaked?

Micheletto shows up, kind of killing the mood with his sociopathic ginger presence. He's clutching the general area around his heart, which could be a sign of grief, but it looks like he's just been stabbed and is being pretty casual about it. Cesare knows immediately that there's something terribly wrong, BUT WHAT? And then Micheletto reveals that the French rode in on the road through Ostia, right by the convent of St. Caecelia... DUN DUN DUN. Ride, Cesare, ride to your ladylove whom you abuse horrifically!

SMOKE ON THE HORIZON. OH HEEEEEEEELL NO.

Girls episode 2 (Vagina Panic)

Scene 1:

Hannah and Adam fuck. Hannah is once again having sex like the good little bewildered feminist that she is: "I like everything that you're doing." "It seems like you want to cum on my tits, so you should cum on my tits." "That was really good. That was so good. I almost came."

As for Adam... remember when Marnie called him That Animal? Citation: "I knew when I found you [on the street, at age 11] that you liked it this way. You're a dirty little whore and I'm going to send you home to your parents covered in my cum."

Hannah: "No, don't do that, they're going to be so angry."

Ah, but who could blame her. Sometimes it's just easier to let the men have their way. 100% chance of success for one of you, it'll be over quicker, and you'll still get some cardio out of it.

The Borgias 2.3: The Beautiful Deception

And Juan's just like, "Adios, cabrónes."

We open on a gruesome shadow cast on a stone wall. Well, I say gruesome, but the only difference between this scene and Clayton's death scene in Tarzan (Disney version) is that it's more disturbing. Than this show. That scene in Disney's Tarzan is more disturbing than this scene in SHOwtime's The Borgias. Does that blow your mind? It shouldn't. 

Lucrezia just happens to be out and about this morning, shopping for froufie gowns that are presumably intended to torture little Groombaby. Cesare shows up; he's walking from the general direction of the hanging spectacle, so we know his goofy smile and jovial attitude is such an act. He's a bit too eager to hustle Lucrezia home - "It's getting hot" and all that - but Lucrezia's smart. Lucrezia's Lucrezia. She can tell something's wrong just by looking at him.

And that's when we hear some guy yell, "CUT HIM DOWN! GIVE ME A HAND! I NEED A SHARPER BLADE!"

"Girls" episode 1 (Pilot)

I heard a term, "FUBU", which stands for "For Us By Us", referring to works of art created by young people hoping to be the voice of their generation. It's kind of a deprecating term, but fuck that, I like it. And I'll be using it whenever I spot something that is overwhelmingly FUBU.

Scene 1:

Hannah snarfs spaghetti in a silent uncomfortable dinner in a nice restaurant. Her parents are in town for a visit, played by career TV parents Becky Ann Baker and Peter Scolari. (Side note: who else watched Peter Scolari's Disney Channel show Honey I Shrunk The Kids? I remember it as being weirdly good, much better than the movie.) Hannah describes her book-in-progress - four essays, to eventually be nine. "It's a memoir," she explains, as everyone in the restaurant suppresses either an eye-roll or a shriek of laughter. Then her mother jumps in and announces that they won't be supporting her anymore. "We can't keep bankrolling your 'groovy' lifestyle." Hannah: "Do you know how crazy this economy is right now? I could be a drug addict, do you realize how lucky you are? Everyone I know gets help from their parents."

Announcing: "Girls"!!!

On Sunday, I had a friend over. We were eating and watching TV because screw you, that's where I get my kicks.

We'd just finished an episode of Rome, and were looking for something else. Well, I wasn't going to suggest watching that evening's new installment of The Borgias, because such an activity is only appropriate in private, so I thought for a bit and then said:

"Well, I heard about this show that just premiered tonight, actually. It's called 'Girls'. I think it's supposed to be about us. Like, our people. I mean, It might sound a lot better than it actually is, but I guess it's worth a try."

So we watched it, my friend and I, and when it ended, we just sat there, mouths hanging open.

For, you guys, Girls is GOOD.

So good, in fact, that I decided to cover Girls concurrently with The Borgias. The Girls pieces will be quite different; they won't exactly be "recaps", in that the focus isn't on funny commentary. I'd call them "breakdowns".

So if you're watching Girls, hopefully you'll find value in my breakdowns. Or just slide right past them to get to the Borgias recaps; I won't be offended. But either way, you should really watch Girls. Lena Dunham must become famous.

The Borgias Season 2, Episode 2: Paolo

"Be safe," she says, because she's seen this show before.

If you're a character of low class, and they name an episode after you, just get out. Run. It's not going to end well. It should, but it won't. Don't blame the writers - blame the Borgias.

Paolo rides a donkey... And he's totally un-deformed! Indeed, I'd go so far as to say "unscathed"! And looking hotter than ever, because he's on a horse, and he's got this little extra kick in his step that I guess comes from having rid himself of the stench of Sforza. He asks a farmer for directions to Rome. "Can't you smell it from here?" says the farmer, accurately, giving Paolo an opportunity to reveal just how in-over-his-head he is - "Does Rome smell?" "It stinks!" Yeah, poor Narcissus has absolutely no idea what he's in for. The farmer points him in the right direction, and Paolo heads forth on his donkey to Jerusalem, I mean Rome. Jerusalem? What would possess me to write "Jerusalem"? Hm. Dunno. Let's see how this plays out, shall we?

BACK, BITCHES: Borgias Season 2, Episode 1: The Borgia Bull

Old rivalries. New wigs.

Jeremy Irons, sexily: Previously, on The Borgias.

HABEMUS PAPA!

SIMONY!

EVIDENCE!

LECHERY!

FAKE CHASTITY!

NEW WHORES!

ASSASSINS!

VULTURES!

FLYING CARDINALS!

ALFONSO!

CAREER DISAPPOINTMENT!

MARITAL RAPE!

SILLY PORTENTOUS NIGHTMARES!

GROOM BABIES!

THE FRENCH WAY!

KABOOM!

THE "ART" OF WAR!

TORSOS!

THE CROWN OF NAPLES!

PLAGUE!

IL BAMBINO!

And just as we're starting to catch our breath, we're hit with:

NEW OPENING CREDITS!

Things I Wish I Never Saw: A Rage-Fuelled Special Edition Recap of the (Awful) True Blood Season 4 Finale

I wish I'd never seen Nelsan Ellis try to pull off a Fiona Shaw impression. This is mostly because Sam Trammel's Tommy impression set the bar higher than most commercial airliners fly and this Lafarnie bullshit is squatting on a powerline.

I wish the opening sequence was still relevant to the show. Remember those days? Those sweet good days?

I wish I hadn't seen Raelle Tucker's writing credit on this episode. Because the lesbo crush I had on her just disappeared.

(I actually kind of love the fact that Hoyt perhaps literally kicked the shit out of Jason.)

I wish to the Dear Lord above I had never heard Arlene speak the words "Zombies are the new vampires!" Because that makes NO FUGGING SENSE WHATSOEVER. HOLY SHIT. THE WHOLE POINT OF TRUE BLOOD IS THAT VAMPIRES ACTUALLY EXIST. They are not some fad phenomenon that could quite possibly be linked to the political climate. THEY EXIST AND THEY ARE SCARY AND ARLENE IS RACIST AGAINST THEM. NOTHING IS THE NEW VAMPIRES. VAMPIRES ARE THE NEW VAMPIRES. Holy shit. This is where things really start to get pukey.

I wish I'd never heard Jesus say the words "Vampires Suck". But I am happy I heard him say "You Can't Trade Magic Like Fucking Pokemon Cards."

I wish I had not seen Lafarnie stab and kill Jesus. But admittedly that is only because I do love Jesus.

I wish Emma had not misinterpreted Arlene's obvious question about her Halloween costume as a question about her species. Because Emma is not retarded and it is cruel to make her look retarded via ze shit writing.

WHY IS SCOTT FOLEY ON THIS SHOW? Because it's one thing when a former Grey's Anatomy guest star walks onto this show and becomes Franklin Mott. It's quite another thing when a Grey's Anatomy star that already makes me want to shoot things walks onto this show and becomes someone who makes me want to shoot things. Did we really need a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" storyline? I vote no.

But it's kind of cool that apparently Alcide and Sam are hanging out.

I wish Alcide had a better cell phone ring.

I wish I had not seen Strong Confident Angry Holly prance around in a strippertastic faerie costume.

I wish I had not seen Sookie pretend like she's been high before. That V-trip does not count.

I wish I had not seen that stupid steadicam shot that surprise-revealed Bill and Eric chained to a fucking stake like some sort of whacky smash-cut in a dismal Pirates of the Caribbean sequel. If this is going to become an odd-couple buddy comedy I would prefer some more advanced notice.

I wish I hadn't seen Holly surreptitiously lay down a salt circle without Lafarnie noticing. And I also wish I hadn't seen Bill do that thing where he notices and then quickly starts hurling dorky little whatsits at Lafarnie to keep her distracted.

I wish I never had to ever watch Lois Smith reach her hand into Lafayette's throat and yank out an Aunt Petunia like some shit rip-off of something from Ghostbusters, or Casper. I so dearly wish that this scene didn't look like they hauled Lois Smith out of a drunken stupor and propped her up long enough to puke out lines that were deemed too idiotic for The Young and The Restless.

I wish they didn't feel the need to plow Marnie's nerd angst into us like a semi with severed brake lines. Need I even utter at this point that WE GET IT?

And you know who else is in that graveyard!?!?!? CAROLINE AND THOMAS AND PROBABLY SARAH COMPTON. And you know what was the best scene last season and probably in the whole history of the show? THAT SCENE WITH CAROLINE AND THOMAS COMPTON. SO WHERE WERE THEY? IN AN EPISODE FULL OF AWFUL CORNINESS WHY WAS I DEPRIVED OF SUCH A WONDERFUL MOMENT OF CORNINESS?

I wish I never had to hear Tara wail "Bitch talk to me!" over Lafayette's unconscious body.

I wish I never had to hear Eric drawl "Excuse me... we're feeling a little crispy up here!"Because mostly what I'm mad about with this whole episode is that I've been waiting for a mass-resurrection since Maudette Pickens died and they treated it with all the grace and aplomb and production values of a MadTV sketch and it nearly drove me to tears. Angry tears.

I wish Rene's inevitable comback was somewhat less fucking brain dead. Even if the aforementioned "Ghosts of Terry's Past" turn out to be legit shit, there's no excuse for this.

I wish I never saw Jessica run around in a slutty Little Red Riding Hood outfit. Except what I mostly wish is that the Jason/Jessica thing had never happened. I mean, I don't know, maybe it could have been good, but it just turned such the utter opposite of good that I don't even know what a "good" handling of the Jason/Jessica thing would even look like. (And by "good" I mean "exciting", and by "opposite of good" I mean "so boring that I feel the need to fast forward through their scenes and I don't even like Jessica anymore and I NEVER thought there'd be ANYTHING that would make me not like Jessica".)

I wish I never saw a Jason/Jessica sex scene because it always makes me feel like I'm watching porn. In that there's always stupid music and I'm not invested in either of the characters or the relationship at large.

I can't even quantify how much I wish Pam had never turned into a one-dimentional curse-words-and-cliches vending machine. Pam is not the least bit awesome anymore. The minute you accept comfort from Ginger the Glamour Zombie is the minute you probably need to move to N'awlins and become a cage fighter.

I wish Lafayette had not stabbed Jesus because now we have to watch him being sad.

I am actually glad I get to see Eric and Bill going at Sookies wrists at the same time.

But I wish I didn't have to see that NOT result in a proper threesome.

Do I even need to go into detail about how much I desperately wish I never ever had to see this bullshit out-of-character poorly-written poorly-staged poorly-shot overlong fucking wreck of a pile of shit of a come-to-Jesus I-Choose-Myself rip-off? And how this might have been the ultimate dealbreaker of the episode? "Dealbreaker" as in I can't even muster up a decent amount of excitement for season 5? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD TAKE TO GET ME TO POSSIBLY WRITE OFF SEASON 5?

It's actually kind of cool that Jesus will be wandering in and out of the coming seasons in forest green scrubs.

I wish I never had to see a cutesy Holly/Andy scene immediately followed up with a pukingly cutesy Luna/Sam scene. What's that line of Luna's? "Don't jinx it. I just feel like if we are too cute and cheesy, that God is going to... drop a brick on our heads." Dingdingding, if "God" is Me and "Drop a brick on our heads" is "Possibly stop watching what used to be my absolute favourite part of summer."

I wish I never had to see a scene that was all about what Jason and Jessica "like" that lasted for more than 10 seconds.

While I couldn't be happier that Steve Newlin's back (mostly because I have a feeling that Anna Camp might be hot on his heels), I dearly wish there was just a tad more context and suspense surrounding his reappearance. Because, I'm sorry, as it is it looks like they only jammed him in there because test audiences were playing Russian Roulette out of sheer boredom.

Same as above, except replace Steve Newlin with Russell Edgington (and Anna Camp with that bitchin' crystal candy jar).

YO, WHAT IF IT WAS PAM WHO DUG HIM UP? Ok, that might be the motivation I need to tune in next season.

I wish I never had to hear Eric use the term "Gay Stormtroopers" because, while it was awesome, when combined with all the other vomitous self-referential horseshit in this episode, this was around the time I became convinced that the whole damn episode was written by the fans' twitter feeds.

I wish Nan didn't have to die. Because I loved her. That being said, Bill looked kinda hot while doing it. And at this point, I'll take what I can get.

I wish Brit Morgan would have gotten the slightly less shit-soaked end of the stick in this episode. That woman is a fantastic actress and a great human being and her exit was unceremonious and insulting.

And finally, I find it reprehensible that they killed Tara. Rutina Wesley was one of the greatest things about this show, in my humble opinion, and while she (like everyone else this season) was putridly wasted, her killing is almost so random that it looks like they fired her. 

To be honest, she's always seemed kind of ditzy in her interviews, so it might just be that she's a total idiot savant acting-wise and they canned her out of sheer annoyance.

But still, no. No to all of it.

There's been something off this whole season. It feels like something's broken, either there's dissension in the writer's room or they hired stupidly incompetent directors or the fact that they're working entirely in LA now is seriously impeding their creativity or I don't even know what. That being said, google searches for "true blood crew shakeups" have yielded nothing, as have "true blood falling out" and "raelle tucker juicy tell-all". However, "alan ball nervous breakdown" steered me towards his 1993 play Five Women Wearing The Same Dress, which is an interesting read.